i was told today to find peace in the silence
to be okay when it is silent and you are alone
i was told to stop managing with clubs and grades and activities to busy myself with
and it struck a cord
who is okay with the silence?

i remember being afraid
and i remember being threatened in a way only i would be afraid
and i remember asking everyday as though it was a secret i had willingly aided in creating
and i remember anger
and confusion at the end
and it blurs all over but so does every other memory
and the thing is i just do not know.
and i feel ashamed and i feel weak
i feel inadequate and dumb
a misrepresentation of all that i stand for
i feel afraid
but i feel i must say something
when my mother asks again
and after 19 years i finally say yes
i finally confirm her questions
because it was no longer just i
but my sister as well
and that simply, will not do.
and that is what opened my mouth
and that may be what fuels my fist into his face

Look into the eyes,
the eyes which degrade and ******.
Condemning those who wish to escape to years in solitude.
Tearing apart the wounds of scars healed up long, long, ago.
Peeeeeeeling back the wall paper which covered up monstrosities, and capturing the deranged inside the wicked;
placing them upon the souls of those innocent thoughts,
those innocent desires and wishes
and dreams.
Burning the shape of water into the stagnant pose of fragility.
Grappling with dandelions trying to steal the berries.
Pouring gas into the wilderness
the beautiful,
free,
                                                                                            abyss of hope,
Shattered with the soft whispers of the trees themselves.

Infiltrate.
Just like a burning fire,
lights a can of gasoline.

Just like your eyes.

the struggle lies in looking at the reflection
whilst walking down the street wondering how large my mass appears
the struggle is in wanting nothing more than a sweet yet knowing that i will regret it later
in wanting to be happy with my image
and yet never finding such happiness
...
it lies in building others up
simultaneously unavaible to myself
dedication to fitness and activity and never seeing change
...
the struggle lies in finding validation for myself
in search of something that is just beyond my grasp
...
wishing i could only believe the words that i believe when i send them to others
if only once
i could find acceptance or peace within my reflection