I was hoping that today
Wouldn't be our end

Hands on waist
Thrown over shoulders
One stumbles backward
The other forward
Walk unsteady
We talk all heady
Lost in you
A hundred times over
I'd choose you

I was hoping today
Wouldn't be our end..

I guess people fall apart
When they hold on too tight...
We forget to keep ourselves together...

He says I'm the kind of girl
Everyone falls in love with..
He shakes his head,
Says not everyone.
Starts to think
Why he wouldnt...
Our friends talk
"We'd be good together"
But he sizes me up
And shows nothing at all.
"You should get together
Make everyone happy"
Looks at me,across the room
Says, "the pressure"
"You'd have the most beautiful kids"
Then he says " you're too weird"

Didn't be, Couldn't see
Between maybes..
Think I lie when I say
I don't care..
But I've tried,line won't fray
Don't you dare
Judge my choices, I chose my vices
I've paid my prices..

I'm lonely but I'm free
Didn't sell out for packaged love..

I never understood why
When people let go
They let go completely.
But holding on
Is like cupping your hands
Trying to catch the light,
You only create
a darkness inside
And wind up
holding shadows instead..

It's the hour of light
Windows to the soul
curtains are drawn
Shapes on them
Casting characters
Seconds when you wake up
'fore dreams rot to reality
Incandescent
Ghosts dance in memory
Catching breaths
One too many
Strings always snap
Puppets break
Like shattering illusions
I'm left holding
Pieces of you
That never existed

I'm in a state of disrepair
Switched off all the lights
Stayed beneath these layers
Hoping days would turn into nights
And the count would cease..

Can't even stand to look at you
face won't hide what I'm going through
I'm mad at myself for being
Life was better when I wasn't feeling
Now it's all too much
And tears are always close enough to touch..

Can't blame
Blissful ignorance
Elizabeth bennet blindness
Tore a hole in me

And I'm left wishing
I'd never learned to use my heart
The trouble I've been through
I hope it's worth it

Doesn't seem to matter
Where this road leads
And we believe in angels
But With shadows we plead
To flip the switch
Turn off the guilt
Our feet smell of beer
And our hair of cigarettes
They don't judge us
But we judge ourselves
For treading the beaten path
And even the sky fills with ash
Blocking out the angels
They all thought we were
Somewhere in there
I still yearn for purity

Empty, dripping faucets
See color everywhere but here
Airwaves, stolen words
Feels a little better now..
She plans to ruin it all..
Don't you know?
She'd push you lest you fall
Sees today pink and hot
Through eyelids closed
No thunder could rip that veil
You're barely a whisper
Scratching the surface
Of a sun waiting to explode
On winds that will wail
For a moon that was her sister
a mumble couldnt replace
And This life Will be an ode
To it's own destructive rebirth
Clutching her in both hands
As thunder echoes her name

You seek to destroy
Everything that loves you..
Spreading the darkness within
Wont make it grow lighter..
I know you're broken
I know you're hurting
I cant be the one to fix you
I cant be the one to swim
In the depths of your mind
I cant be dragged down with you.
The truth is
I never really loved you.

I am fine with losing you

We missed our exit on a one way road

I was a puppet
Handing over strings
I loved you
You never cared much

Why am I always at the door?
These feet were made
For threshholds
These lips for silence..

Been breathing air
Polluted with freedom
We are all selfish
In the pursuit of it..

I loved you
You never cared much
I went looking
And life is such

When we fall, we break..

I died trying to build my pieces
Into a different form..

The thing is though,
I loved you when I was whole
Even more so in pieces..
The thing with freedom is
It must be given as it is taken.

Love you in a way
You can't possibly understand
Impermanent like an artist's charcoal
Always present always changing shape
Staining and marring, yet making clear
That which you think but cannot say
And I find comfort in the cryptic
If you can find your way through
I'll see you on the other side

Let's not fade too fast
From white through to black
In the space between
where palms breathe quiet touch
the fabric of being
Soft, slow and steady
Pulse, heat, electric
won't put a clock on becoming
Life is not sand, held by gravity
We are freefall, we are infinite
"Lets not fade too fast, too sudden"
Said the comma to the colon
turning to the last inked leaf
Before those that fall into place
writer to watcher
Walking on tightropes
Rooted feet do not fall too far
Come walk this crooked line
Let it bow under weight
Inching further to see
What it'll take to snap

When words are said
Censored thoughts
And I drown in moments
You barely remember

This state of mind
Is a house I built
I made you a key
You said you'd take
But wouldn't use

Do I stay in this house
Or do I leave?
Do I walk away
Or burn it to the ground?

Where do you draw the line
Between faith
And delusions of grandeur?

"None of this is now"
predetermined..
Name and skin like hers
We flow like rivers of words
Just a notch above her belt

Yet an idea of perfection
Clung onto..
Do you call that faith or delusion?
Acceptance akin to a betrayal of self
A hedonistic negligence of good sense..

He falls and I follow
I've got a safety net
But he'll definitely break
So I go after him

Predestination sits not well
On A creature of choice and control
Queries and misgivings
Don't make it any less real
But I'll forever question
If the choice was ever mine at all..

Does a believer's love
not contest the democracy
Allowed by chance?

It still remains that I can't explain

Falling on a whim
Of a delusional net
Where breaking
Is an inevitability..

That moment when you're scrolling through your phone and you realise you are utterly alone and all you want to do is cry for no reason or have someone tell you it's alright and it'll pass but there is literally no one you can tell about how you feel because you have no justification to feel that way.. am I alright?
Am I making this up?
So I stuff it down, I can think it away..
I just noticed I'm using different voices
Now I'm freaking out about that
****** how did this start?
Where's the ******* door?

i catch myself sad
stopping mid sentence
wanting to shed a solitary tear
then i disappear
back inside my colorful shell
my empty laugh reverberates
and the walls grow closer
uncle claims i'm bipolar
somethings cant be unfelt
i cant be unbetrayed
so i talk too much
i say too little
i lie.
back inside my colorful shell,
the walls are crushing me..

Wear all the pretty candy colours
Transparent eyes behind
Swinging Rainbow braids
I try to wear life
Death is eating me alive
There is no hiding
The storm always
Waiting in the wings
Underneath which
I thought I was safe
I was after all the eagle's child
Marked in blue ink on his shoulder
Leaning on walls thousands have leaned on
How many tears have these mirrors seen?
Flick those stormy eyes upward
The brown watered down
Like a second coffee from the same grounds..
Do they see how dark the world has become?
Planting one foot in front of the other
Grey sneakers through rainbow braids
I hold onto the sound, its sanity..
Everything else feels
Like im being held underwater

its going to be a long way
to find you again.
i know your hands more
than i know your face,
the house is louder
at the same time, emptier
the echoes seem louder.
i dont have it in me anymore
i cant see except for closed doors
where it is empty, it is full.
these echoes are louder than the present
i want to breathe nothing less, nothing else.
promise not to take away the pain,
much too soon. much too soon.
living seems odd now

When Is it going to happen
Is it ever going to
I'm falling apart wishing
For everything you..
Come on now
Am I that hard to love?
Stop that now
This hope that breeds
Eternal misery..
Just let me step
On this landmine
Let me detonate..
I'm falling apart
Couldn't you just pretend
That I was worth a shot?

You were both my world and it's destruction
But your eyes, there's nothing there
A glare that's grown colder and more wary
And you ask me, why don't you stay?
My stare has grown shorter and more angry
I ask you, what is there to save?

Loving you was like floating
On a twisting empty sea
Land in sight but out of reach..
I should have known
Your eyes were fixed
on a different horizon.

I breathe a little better
With paint under my fingernails
Than with words on my lips

I got tired of seeing a reflection
That was too true
Sometimes rose filters
Make the world seem a little warmer..

This doesn't rhyme or flow
But thoughts rarely do
What I'm saying is
When I can't sleep,
I won't be thinking of you..

I'm playing with figments
Stopped thinking in "wills" and
Started in the "could haves"
Of Door number 1..

Smacking my lips for a taste
Of last night's alcohol,
"Just as well," I tell the ghost of you
"You wouldn't like being here like this"
"Then why can you picture it so clearly?"
I hate them for not being you
Door number 2, it's a pity really..

I know you chose your path
And I remained at the fork
It's just sad to think
We won't get
To be here like this..

I'm playing with figments
Life doesn't fall like dominoes
Sometimes you flick a piece
And the rest remain still..

I write sometimes
Of the monster I've become
And there
in the highway of pages
I find comfort
In counting mile markers
Each marking how far I fall
Setting sail for denial
Fill my sails with a liar's breath..
In the morning when I wake,
I'll rub a blind man's sleep from my eyes
Reciting a hypocrite's creed
Believing it..

Darkness grows old
Within these aching bones
And all I've touched
Has turned to dust
Words don't turn on lights
Like stones they sink
It's a stifling work of empty
And I write more of these
To skip and sink
To tell to the walls
And hear them upon my tongue
For therein lies a truth
Of which I must not speak
Hands that make
Are not hands that hold

I've been a cynic
Since time stopped ticking

Craving sustenance
the ones and zeroes
are all but fickle
Yet so easily forgotten.
Forgetting I held on
The blue strings
Woven in the air
Connected me and you
And I swore I would never
And I swore forever.
There you were,
Forgetting..

Have you ever felt that?
When you intend to blink
But your eyes stay closed
Longer and longer
Walking blindly
In familiar halls
the walls seem
Much much closer
While your thoughts
Loom larger larger
Consuming
The air that you breathe
So you stay awake
Not to stir
The beast that sleeps
That plays on a loop
On eyelids shut
You crave distraction
Brief escapes
That keep you from falling
from scratching
The skin off your bones
The longer you blink
The longer you see

like sunsets and sunrises
The places where dark meets light
Their beautiful backs turned
As one washes over the other
Clashing at the horizon,
Always out of reach
To put my hand against the seam
To feel what holds you together
To see you in art
To hear you in music
To read you in poetry
I am quite convinced
You are magic

a moment away from today,
the broken memory seems only
mere breaths since yesterday..
versions swim in my head
like images in broken glass
and I've taken on a fade
since yesterday passed..
I fall through you like sand
leaving traces that can't be made whole..
I rearrange the glass
I don't meet up at the seams
the image is still shattered
and the sand is still clinging
to the memory of you
that is falling through my head
like yesterday
in this moment
Before today

I'm going to live on the beach
And I'll be happy forever

how can i breathe?
i sit at the kitchen table
but i still see the blood from a month ago
where you were shot with your own gun..
how is death do casual?
"papa used to..."
every day is another day
i don't get to see you
i dont go out into the rain anymore
i remember that phone call
an "accident" they called it
and i walked a mile in a storm
never to see you again.

Never felt like second place
Or third or fourth..
I was a non place,
Existing outside
The circles we draw..
I feel more like a concept
Than a real person..
It all seems
Like an elaborate
Multiple choice..
I'm a series of letters
Chosen with good intentions..

How do you leave
If you do not know the way back?
I painted scars
Where skin never broke..

My eyes burn
Out of focus
Trying to wrap
Thoughts in form.

You felt familiar,
Like an old lover.
My body and mind
found another,
As did yours..
But I find that I stand
Close to you.
Too close....
I see smoke in those eyes
Maybe there's a fire
You haven't quite learned
to put out..
The day you said there was none
I've never felt so heavy
On a rooftop, small and discarded
She said you were too afraid
To set the forest ablaze
And I...
For a moment..
I was running after you,
turning back..

But if you wanted me,
You would have found me.

I don't know if I can forget you
Not when I still see that smoke
You pretend doesn't exist

Can anyone feel I need someone?
Will the darkness sink
Like clouds of sand in the ocean?
I need to be told
I'll be okay
But everyone left
Because I told them to
They wanted love
All I could give
Was attention.
Is there a way to be alright?
I'm broken in ways
That can't be described..
What do you call a person
Who started reading poetry
To understand what life should feel like?
I'm sure there's a category..
What I wouldn't give
To unring that bell..
Are there words that can be said
To make this darkness sink
Like clouds of sand?

the tarmac becomes fascinating
the way my shoes look against it
you can love the feather, obsess over her
i felt your heart dance to the feather's beat..
made something grow inside me
you light up,
the sky falls, mixes with my yellow skin
I'm green..
you pick her up, swing her around
suddenly, i feel like a prisoner
i cant stop watching, cant stop thinking
but the sun is shining and i cant start crying
four walls and locked doors aren't safe enough
i'll never be free....

God i've tried to let you go

Ask yourself
In every breath
In the silence between thoughts
In the whisper before the fear died
When your heart beat flutters
like the wings of a bird
before it takes flight
............................
Do you believe?

Mental tirades play out
Behind dilated pupils
And blank expressions..
I say hello and how's the latest you been up to?
But I'm pounding my fists on your chest
wondering If it'll ever be less true..
That you don't think I'm worth a second
Fine, I think I finally get it
this turmoil is nothing more than a stipend I'm owed
I always decide ; I'm over it
Then you walk in the door.

I would very much like to be strung along
would love to be your target practice
Wouldn't mind being hurt by you
It's all better than nothing

I think he loves me
Maybe only a little
Maybe the way
I stopped loving him

I think he loves me
Like a moon
Shrouded in mist
Like the air
Before it rains

I feel guilt
For thinking
For knowing
For imagining
He loves me

I can no longer
Think him
Know him
Imagine him,
love him....

I think he loves me
I think he could have
If he wanted to..
Once upon a moon..
If he loves me
I think its too late

i saw you in my dream
both you and i knew you were gone
we stayed out all day and you bought an abstract wall
you winked knowingly because
"what am i gonna need the money for"
i heard you think..
in that moment, you said the best and the worst goodbye
i truly knew that when i woke up, you'd always be gone
you were sad, you smiled though..
you knew and came back
one last goodbye
you knew you were shot
and i didn't get there in time.
i've slept in your bed ever since
no matter what i do
you haven't come back since

My thoughts form organically
Flowing paths like rivers
The easiest way is down
So down we go
Breath held
And eyes shut
This machine doesn't sleep
Chugging in spirals
blowing off steam
Red lines run through conscious minds
And walls are built around panic triggers
I'm always waiting...
Stave it off for a moment
While I catch my breath
Strive to deal chronologically
But sequences are only patterns
And those are fabrics of being
I am what I am
I've only started seeing..

all to run away
All toward to run
Destructive spirals
Ride them ever on
and all the way down
Take the bus with me
Spinning slowly
Out of orbit
Ever away, Ever toward
You're my toxic medicine..

that line from that song
"maybe you could've been
something I'd be good at"
resounding when I close the door
seeing you around every corner
my brain keeps screaming no
you've been burned before
But I still see you
and it's always empty
after the 90 degree.
it didn't end, it stopped
I'd take flames over ice...

there was never enough you
to make up for me
i got tangled in the web of lines
that run down your palm

Doesn't seem to matter
Where this road leads
we believe in angels
But With shadows, we plead
To flip the switch
Turn off the guilt.

Our feet smell of beer
our hair of cigarettes
They don't judge us
we judge ourselves
For treading the beaten path
And even the sky fills with ash
Blocking out the angels
we thought we were

Somewhere in there
Through lashes that imprison light,
I painted scars, Where skin never broke.
It was a stifling work of empty
I wanted to breathe nothing less,
nothing else.

promise...
not to take away the pain,
if I do not hate the rain,
then what do I have?

I develop
an aversion To being alone
A penchant for tinted glass
an affinity to poetry

I say "I'm finding yourself"
But I'm really running away
From the things, I let go
But they never went far.

promise...
not to let go of the pain,
if I do not hate the rain,
then what do I have?