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Aiswarya Aug 2017
It takes a boy to make you feel beautiful,
It takes a boy to make you feel ****,
It takes a boy- to sleep with you,
But it takes a man,
Only a man to love you- like a mother,
To protect you- like a father,
To fight you- like a brother.
To understand you- like a best friend.

And your father remained my boy forever,
So I found a man for myself
- Said my mother.
#boy #man #love #affair
Aiswarya Oct 2016
I say I’m abused,
And someone glares at me like I’m deranged,
I say I’m abused,
And someone tries to look for my scars,
I say I’m abused,
But no one looks me right into my dolor eyes and suppresses the river that’s trying to break through.

They come and go,
But some are rather unique,
Some come -leave haunting images and then go,
But they all have something in common,
They all come,
But, they never stay.

When someone searches for my scars,
With my clothes,
Or without,
With love,
Or without,
I just want those two prying eyes to search deeper,
Search in me,
Not just search places on me that they can fit.  

My form of abuse is internal,
My form of abuse does involve blood,
But of my spurting veins,
My form of abuse does involve tears,
But of my crying heart,
My form of abuse does involve scars,
But of my damaged soul.

So now I tell you,
If there’s anything you’re looking for every night,
The quest you’re never tired of,
It’s not all over me,
It’s hidden deep within me.
Aiswarya Apr 2018
It was a new opening,

A window that showed the tall greeny hills and the open blue sky.



But it wasn’t all about the view, was it?

It was about where I was standing- on a tall hill under an empty sky,

Still exposed and vulnerable


-Aiswarya-
Aiswarya Aug 2017
If it is not him,
There will always be another man,
That will look right into your eyes- that you will be afraid to look at anything else but him,
That will do things with you- in you- without a single touch of those itchy, prying fingers,
And that will carry your heart- that's gasping for love, in his very rugged yet comforting, warm palms.

There will always be another man,
Just like him,
Who will break your- broken heart.
Aiswarya Aug 2017
I had a rather fun childhood,
Because I was always played with.

Attention from my loved ones were always reviving,
And the best part- they always rewarded me,
Always.

For every candy,
My loved ones ran those fingers higher and higher from the sole of my foot to something my mommy called- treasure,
Like a stinging scorpion crawling up my thigh- it felt.

For every hot wheel,
I got my 'it' grabbed harder and harder,
Like my eye ***** being squeezed out till it spurts blood- it felt.

And for every dollar,
I used my 'it' to fit the lock- her lock,
Until it satisfied her gratification- her undying ****** gratification.

And just in case you're wondering,
'It' is what I called it because my mommy and daddy would never ever tell me what 'it' really was neither did they teach me how to protect it.

NO,
DON'T,
Is what I said,
But moans were all that was heard.

So I cried,
Because that was the only thing about my body that I was permitted to control.

And just when my heart lost count of its beats,
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
she said,
  **"BOYS- DON'T CRY"
Aiswarya Jul 2017
Dear murderer,

The rain helped,
Yes,
Those diamond drops helped cover the tsunami you flushed out of my eyes.

The sun helped too
Yes,
Those rays helped wash my scars away from your eyes.

But you?
You never helped,
You never delved deeper to search for my sorrows,
You always thought they were never there,
Just like my feelings for you ,
or at least you never cared.

But let me tell you,
I fell slowly,
Actually- madly for all your huns, babes and oh boy right at babygirl my heart forgot to beat,
Although I knew I was just one of those hundreds who were high on your very generous coquettish drug.

But boy- sorry,
Your waves were too strong
They hit too hard.

I sunk,
I suffocated,
I gasped for air,
But I got it every single ****** time I looked into your deceiving selfish- lovable eyes.  

That's when I thought,
This- is worth dying for.

Dear murderer.
Aiswarya Nov 2017
After our casual goodbye kiss,
‘I will love you till death do us apart’- he said

It took me eleven phone calls and the entire night to realise,
It came too soon
#death #love
Aiswarya Feb 2017
Do I or do I not love you?

There's never a day where I don't lay in my backyard starring at those shiny diamonds that give me little hope in the darkest nights,
Wondering- do I or do I not love you.

Words try and form in my mind but they aren’t complete enough to escape my mouth,
So I pick a pen.

I couldn’t do more than doodles I vaguely remember scribbling back in high school.

I yearned to write about you,
I wanted to know the answer,
I wanted to describe every part and every aspect of you to validate my love- for you,
But,
It was to no avail.

Tears rolled down my dolor eyes,
It wet my scribbled paper,
While the lead of my pencil blackened it,
Just exactly how my heart felt then.

Just when I couldn’t recognize my paper nor myself anymore,
I felt goose bumps- from the start of my neck to the tip of my toes,
I felt a thunderstrike that I couldn’t even clench.

I felt so warm on the inside yet so cold on the outside,
I felt so free on the inside yet so restrained on the outside,
I felt so lost on the inside yet- felt love on the outside,
I-felt you.

I like how you wrapped your rough fingers around the strands of my hair and tuck them, so softly behind my ear,
I like how you extended your flexed arms and secured my body so tight from the back,
I like how you grabbed my hands so firm, making sure the wet pencil doesn’t slip off our hands.

Mostly,
I loved how you wrote our love story holding- my hands.
#ILoveYou
Aiswarya May 2017
You were a drug,
My drug,
Not only because,
You were addicting,
And harmful,
But because,
You led to a lot of-  side effects.

Incurable ones.
Aiswarya Sep 2017
If you can see sunshine in her eyes
One day she'll show you what a storm looks like
Aiswarya Oct 2016
Do you know how it feels to have a father but not have one the same time?
I do.

I seek love,
I am desperate to be loved,
Seeing other girls be their father’s pet, honey and what not,
And here I am trying to recall what my father used to even call me.

When I reminisce all the little time I had with him,
I can only form vivid thoughts of my parents clouting,
But not even a vague image of a father’s - good night kiss,
That I start to question myself,
Did I even get one?

So I look forward to my future,
Hope someone,
Anyone would gift me what I’ve lost.

Hence,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry if I ask for good night kisses,
I’m sorry if I ask for attention,
I’m sorry if I beg for love- to be loved,
But boy,
I won’t be sorry for loving you hard.
Aiswarya Dec 2016
Fear,
It’s exquisite on its own,
It plays with you, uniquely at each stage of life,
Form the second you were born to your very, last… breath.

My first breath- out of my mother’s belly,
The fear- that it would be the first and last.

On the first day of pre-school,
The fear- of leaving my parents behind.

The first day of elementary school,
The fear- of boys.

First day of high school,
The fear- of being lonely,
And then,
The worst of all,
The first crush,
The fear- of being crushed.
The fear- of not being tall enough,
Not thin enough,
Not hot enough,
Just not enough,
Not enough,
Not enough for him; to love you  
Just then you’ll realise,
It is not something that should be cried over because,
It is just, not…worth,
But it’s too late,
Isn’t it?
By that time,
Your heart spurts pain; from all the punctures he had made,
It melts; from all those hurtful, fiery words, he had uttered.

Then its repercussions,
The fear- of falling in love again,
The fear- that it will a happen; all, over again,
But,
That is, love-isn’t it?
It just doesn’t give a **** about how or even what you feel?
It’s just selfish- just, like the ones who you end up falling in love with,
And despite all,
You will still fall for him!
You will drown in his flattery words,
And comfort your cold heart from the warmth of his skin,
And kiss him- till you can taste his soul,
Every single day, and night.

Then,
The awful fear,
Oh My!
The fear- of him leaving,
But you will marry him anyways,
Because that is love.

And at last,
The moment where love is expressed without a single, word,
The moment where you make love,
The moment where you merge,
Connect,
Feel,
Unite,
Form ONE pure soul.

Then motherhood visits,
A little something,
That brings shine and tranquility,
An art that represents you both.

And it all starts,
It starts; all, over again.

Fear.
Aiswarya Jan 2017
Maybe I’ll love you maybe I won’t,
Don’t ask me why,
Because that would make me cry.

If you had loved me enough,
You would know why,
At least, I hope you’d know why.

I hope, you’d know it’s not you- but me
It’s because of me, you are locked outside my life,
It’s because of the fear in me.

Be my knight in shining armour,
Break down the wall of fear between us,
And I show you how much luxury my love can offer.
#FEAR #LOVE #LUXURY
Aiswarya Aug 2017
It's like a ferris wheel,
It goes round and round and round,
What you ask?
My relationships.

My first love,
My first ride,
My first kiss up the empty yet hopeful sky,
And when the ride was over- good journey he said 'but I have other rides to take now'.

Then came second, third, fourth...
It goes round and round and round.

When will the ferris wheel ever stop you ask?
It's when I choose to stop offering rides because I am worth more than a -priced ticket.
Aiswarya Apr 2018
I'm a flower
   My thorns will pierce through you  
But my fine petals will caress you

So honey it’s for you to choose
To protect me or to throw me
Because either way
I’ll still grow

-Aiswarya-
Aiswarya Dec 2016
God I wanna hate you,
I wanna curse you,
Yes,
I want to ram you with a concrete mixer,
And I want you to be swept away by a hurricane,
But then she appears,
She appears like a red, warning, siren, in my head.

Her smile,
Her laughter,
Her beauty,
Her everything,
Mostly,
The comfort I sense when she lays against your chest,
The same comfort I felt,
When I was the one playing on the swings of your chest.


Only because I understand the way you make her laugh,
The way you fall asleep playing with her hair,
The way you haul her into your arms and kiss her when no one is watching.

I know,
I know everything,
But I also know how it is to be snatched away from all of those,
And I want her to treasure all that she has,
Only until she loses the battle to some other girl.
#father #iwannahateyou
Aiswarya May 2018
a future without you
isn't a future at all
Aiswarya Aug 2017
I said I love you,
I also said I was scared,
I parcelled my emotions and presented you my vulnerability,
But in the end,
You only showed me what a bloodsucking ghost you could be.
Aiswarya Nov 2017
I grew,
Not the kind of mental growth that makes you a whole new person,
Nor the kind of physical growth that would turn eyes

But I grew out-
Out of him,
Out of love.

They say forgiving makes you a bigger person,
But I believe the growth that come with forgiving is so much more.

When you grow,
You get to see the world,
That was blinded by his beautiful yet deadly, deceiving eyes.

You get to feel the world that you could not even see what more touch because,
Because his arms were protecting,
At least, that’s what he said.

And mostly,
You get to love -love the world,
Because when you were in love with him,
You didn’t have enough love to give anything or anyone but him.

So don’t stop growing,
Because today I grew,
I grew to love the me that doesn’t love him anymore.
Aiswarya Apr 2018
He showed me heaven- again

And then said honey,

It’s time I drag you to hell-again.

-Aiswarya-
Aiswarya Apr 2017
I’m here,
Right here waiting,
For you to realize I’m the one,
But looks like you’re taking a bit too long,
Never knew her spell was so strong,
At least stronger than mine.

Looks like her spell has more than one victim,
It's such as shame I had to be one of them.

She made me weak,
She made me forget everything my mind and soul used to dwell in,
You,
Love,
God,
And the list goes on.

Now I believe in her,
I believe in her love,
I believe that she, will never let you be mine again.
Aiswarya Apr 2018
Do you know how to love he asked?
I don’t know the mechanics of it
But I do know how to fall
and to never be able to pick myself up
Ever again
She said.

-Aiswarya-
Aiswarya Feb 2017
I am a woman

I am always admired for my beauty,
But never for my intelligence,
I am always applauded for my expertise in house chores,
But never for my expertise in a professional career,
I am always expected to raise my kids,
But never to raise my voice.

I am a woman

I deserve to be a wrestler,
I deserve to be a lead actor,
I deserve to be a racer,
I deserve to be a DJ,
I deserve to be a pilot,
I- deserve to be the woman I, want to be.

I am a woman

I am just like your father,
I am just like your brother,
I am just like your uncle,
I am just like-that male stranger.

I am a woman
#WOMAN
Aiswarya Feb 2017
I feel light,
I feel free,
Something I haven’t felt in a long time,
A feeling,
That I last felt in the warm palms of my mother.

I realised that my feelings weren’t the ones holding you back,
But the memories,
Not the ones stuck in my head,
Because I’ve managed to bury them in my heart,  
But those texts, gifts, letters and worst of all the touch,
Your touch,
Like glue sticking on my body,
Like you-sticking on my body.

I feel free,
I feel light,
But I realised it isn’t something I have not felt in a long time.

I felt it,
Yes,
I felt free,
I felt light,
But that, was when I was with you.

When I was with you,
I never was with you,
I was always above you,
Above everyone else,
Light,
Happy,
And free,
But- you left.

You left, and hung a heavy weight on my throbbing chest,
Hauled me down from the sky,
That I hit the ground with such an impact,
It crushed my heart.

**You crushed my heart
Aiswarya Oct 2016
Doors shutting,
Shutters slamming,
How unfortunate it wasn't the wind howling, But my parents fueding.

My childhood was exceptionally fun,
As I lived it like a dreaded bunny,
HIDING.

Was I a coward for doing so?
Hiding behind the walls as if they were barriers of the warzone?
Pummelling and battering just like the movies, I was lucky to witness it live,
Wasn't I?

Call the police,
Ring the deparment,
Run away,
Those weren't the only things my friends and acquiantances has enjoined,
But had I done any of it?
No,
Do I regret my decision?
No.

It took my  parents long enough to realise,
They can mend a broken glass over and over again,
But,
It will never look the same.

It took my my parents long enough,
To realise,
Their marriage was just sword blades,
Holding them firmly for the sake of the kids, Weren't doing anyone any good.

It took  my parents long enough,
To get a divorce.

Stop them,
Beg them,
Demand them,
To not let go of each other,
Those weren't the only things my friends and acquaintances has enjoined,
But had I done any of it?
No,
Do I regret my decision?
No.

"If you could get another chance to do something over again from your past what would it be?"
My question is,
Why would I change anything?
WHY?

Today,
When I look at a married couple disputing,
I can see the effort and sacrifices made to save their marriage from sinking like Titanic,
The only difference is Rose and Jack still loved each other,
Unlike that marrried couple.

Today,
When I look at a child from a broken family,
I too can feel those needles piercing through their hearts,
Slowly and death-dealing.

Today,
I am passionate about helping millions of children,
That sail on the same boat.

So,
Do i wish to alter anything the past has offered me?
NO.
Aiswarya May 2017
You told me you'd wait
Forever,
It took me forever to realise
You didn't know what they meant
Aiswarya Nov 2016
Loving you was optional,
But falling for you wasn't,
Loving you was within the boundaries of my heart,
But falling for you was a matter of life, and death .


But now it's gone,
Everything,
All the love and care and obsession,
It's all gone,
I gave you my all,
But you parcelled it in a pretty box,
Played with it,
And threw it back at my face,
As if it was a temporary gift.


But now it's gone,
Everything,
All the love and care and obsession,
It's all gone,
But, the pain you inflicted upon my deep sincere vulnerable soul, isn't,
It still aches,
Such pain, that dictates both my bleeding heart, and my demented mind.


I guess,
It isn't all gone,
I guess my feelings just drifted to another route,
The hate route.
Aiswarya Apr 2018
I’ve heard of love
But it takes more than those letters to actually feel it

My heart always yearned for love simply because it missed home

Just then, she came. She walked in like a dangerous yet breathtaking tornado that snatched my heart and safeguarded it between her soft palms

The very same palms that held my face when my mother couldn’t

But her palms weren’t just soft,
They were powerful
So powerful that they could let go

Let go of my face, my heart- let go of me

But even now the scars of her carved fingers still remain

Because a scarred heart is deadlier than a broken one


-Aiswarya-
Aiswarya Jan 2017
I aspire to be a kind, loving person,
I might not have found the reason behind my existence,
But I do believe being kind and loving will guide me to an answer,
An answer, many aren’t fortunate enough to find.
Aiswarya Nov 2017
love is not when you feel butterflies in your tummy
it's when he leaves
but those butterflies still can't escape
Aiswarya Jan 2017
I thought wrong,
I thought I loved you,
I thought you were all I needed,
I thought our memories together, were the little fuel left- for my burning soul,
But God,
I thought wrong.

It wasn’t you,
Neither was it your ‘love’,
Nor those - bitter, sweet memories,
But,
Myself.

I was desperate- for love,
I am desperate -to be loved,
I envied the comfort I sensed when she sunk- into your heaving chest,
I yearned that peace I could never win,
That touch which could mend my shattered leftovers,
And mostly those lips which would sit long enough to carve mine.

Now that I’ve outgrew the tiny box your insincere love had locked me in,
I have learnt to love, love and not you.
#LOVELOVE #ENVY
Aiswarya Nov 2018
Love until you're scared to love any more
because any more would mean
loving him more than you will ever love yourself
Aiswarya Nov 2018
I love your morning coffee not for the coffee itself but because it had your touch
- the subtle touch of your fine fingers
Aiswarya Feb 2017
I walk pass,
And he stares,
Who?
No-not you,
The bartender it is,
Unfortunately.

He smiles,
I blush,
At least- I try too,
Like every other girl would,
But I realised I couldn't,
Because I'm not like every other girl,
I'm your girl,
The broken girl.

I know I could never earn you back,
I know I could never make you pick my shattered pieces,
The pieces you broke,
So I hoped he would,
But he couldn't either,
Why?
Because he-wasn't you.

And the story repeats,
With my doctor,
My boss,
My driver,
And that's,
My after-love story.

**I still love you
Aiswarya Apr 2017
Her smile,
Her smile when she knew I'll be there soon.

Her cry,
Her cry when she first saw me.

Her scream,
Her scream when I made her feel as if she was being skinned alive,
Slowly and deeply.

Her morning smile-was my best breakfast,
Her smothering kisses-were reviving,
Her attention-was the only reason I needed- to live,
Whereas her good night kisses,
Created-heavenly dreams.

My creator,
My world,
She gave me life,
She gave me hope,
And she gave me love,
She taught me to live life,
Then- she snatched it away.

Her smile became a grin,
Her kisses become obligatory,
Her attention begun dominating,
And her good night kisses,
I- don’t remember them anymore.

But I wish to know something,
Did my mother stop loving me?
Or did I just grow up?
Because nobody,
Nobody- seems to blame My Mother.
Aiswarya Mar 2017
I love you**
and if that's not poetic enough
then, I don't know what is
Aiswarya Jan 2017
You made me feel so desperate,
I was just the girl who wanted to live a simple life,
Fall in love,
Have kids,
Settle down.

You came- and showed me things I could have never envisioned,
You- made me dream,
You- lifted me up the chair I was stuck onto,
You- showed me the world that lived out of the little cubicle I was trapped in,
You- showed me the kind of love that made me feel light,
Thanks to the butterflies you caught in my tummy.

You- showed me love,
Then,
You- snatched it away

But,
But, you snatched your love away,
Mine is still enrooted within me,
My feelings,
My desperateness,
My dreams,
All of it is hovering- in the new cubicle you have locked me in.

I’m suffocating,
I can’t breathe without your love,
Despite it being completely bogus.

You have made me weak,
Weaker than ever,
Who gave you the power to make me weak?

Then I realised,
It was me,
It was me who gave you the power,
I- let you in,
I- accepted the ‘love’ you offered,
I- let you haul me out of that dark cubicle I felt less vulnerable in.

**I let you destroy me.
Aiswarya Aug 2017
Roses,
Just like those roses,
Those red blooming ones,
Its petals so soft,
So weak,
It fell over and over again but always got replaced by new ones.

Roses,
Always admired,
Because no one,
No one looks at it's thorns,
Only its flowers.

So you pick it,
Why wouldn't one pick something so exquisite you ask?

You want it- all for yourself,
Yank it away from its loved ones,
In return it pierces gravely through your rather thick skin.

You throw it,
You step on it like it's of no worth,
But you never thought did you?
Not once that,
Maybe just maybe if you hadn't picked it,
If you hadn't hurt it,
It would never,
Never have hurt you.

But no,
Instead you told yourself,
'If not the rose there's always gonna be another flower I can pick'.

-It took me an entire, lifetime to realise,
I was just one of those- beautiful roses.
Aiswarya Feb 2017
Love,
An over-rated feeling I reckon,
From the second we were born,
Till our very last- breath,
We assume love is in the air,
Literally- in the form of beings.

Humans,
Wow,
Even words aren’t qualified to describe them.

Humans,
Have the power to defile something so pure,
And make themselves victims,
Of their very, own,
Desecration.

Love,
An energy so puissant,
A gift from God,
Can be deceived,
Simply by the glare of two, strong, eyes,
And there it goes,
Love decides to misuse its boundless power.

Before you even know it,
We tend to lose ourselves,
A little, by little,
Just like those trees during fall,
Until,
We’re completely destroyed,
And join all the other broken stars up the sky.

At least,
Those are what my dad said,
When I asked about those,
Single,
Incomplete,
Stars
#stars #love #destroy
Aiswarya Dec 2017
Losing her was hard

Only she could see right through me and ice my buring soul
Only see could hold my fragile heart so fine that it felt like home
Only she could tell me what I really deserve; and she often said
The Stars, and The Universe

Losing myself was hard
Because now the stars seem so little and the universe seems so small
Aiswarya Jan 2019
Your smile was tattooed on my heart,
But just like the sun,
It rose and set,
If only I got the hints,
That just like my tattoo,
Your love too wasn’t permanent,
It rose and set.

Sadly,
Today I see the Sun rise again,
But despite its light exposing all those deep, dark, holes,
Your love is still nowhere to be found.
Aiswarya Aug 2017
Two hands,
Two hands-of yours,
One to slap and one to grab.

Two hands,
Two hands-of yours,
One that worked during the day,
And another that only worked hard-very hard at night.

Two hands,
Two hands- of mine,
Both tied-day and night.

Four hands of ours,
Two ruled,
And two slaved.
Spousal abuse
Aiswarya May 2017
Falling for you wasn't the scariest
But knowing I wouldn't be able to fall into another man's arms - so perfectly,
just like I sunk in yours - did
Aiswarya Sep 2017
You were the torch during my darkest nights.

You showed the brightest paths,
but also scalded me with all that- fiery heat.

You were my- deadly saviour.
Aiswarya Sep 2017
If you want her sunshine during the night
Deal with her storms during the day
Aiswarya Apr 2017
You said you love me,
But,
I meant it more-without even saying it
Aiswarya May 2017
Just thinking of you makes me tear
But a single  glance of you makes me sink
Aiswarya Feb 2017
I try and convince myself,
No- you’re not there,
You’re not in my heart,
Because I want to believe you’ve never managed to get there, in the first place.

Then I see that slit,
That slit- on my wrist, that reminded me of the time I tried to cut you out of my mind,
But I couldn’t
So I tried and cut my soul away from its home instead.

That was when I realised,
That this life,
Isn’t really worth living without you.

**I love you
Aiswarya May 2018
I thought loved needed to hurt
Until I met him
Aiswarya May 2018
I did everything
Except to utter 'I love you'

You did nothing but
Said you love me

Who's in love and who isn't
Just isn't for me to say

I'll let our hearts decide that
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