Love always seems to find you when you're least expecting it.
I met a boy and he makes me feel so beautiful.
I am not afraid to be around him without makeup on, and that means somethin'.

I'm forgetting little parts of you here and there.
I don't recall what your favorite color is and to me,
I am one step closer to forgetting you.

Almost a year in this new city and things are still new to me.
I don't like it here.
I think about home quite often; the way the city lights of downtown trickled upon my face as I sped up in my car.
The bass of a song vibrating my body as I swerve under the bridge and onto the interstate.
The smell of the air as the heat rises off the pavement on a hot summer day.
The hug of my mother as the scent of Chanel perfume stains my clothes.
The laugh of my father as he tells a "dad" joke.

I'll be home soon.

I want to spill all of my thoughts that have been locked away into my head for days. Truth be told, I have been afraid to write about you for a few days because sometimes, it hurts too much and I feel that if I don't write about you, then I will get over it. I'm slowly learning:


                                THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

I hate you so much. I love you like I will never love another man. I hate how you took the time to get to know me if you knew that you would always say good-bye.  I love how you watched TV and held my hand. I hate how stubborn you were. I love how your skinny jeans and boots looked on you. I love how you lit your cigarette and smoked too fast. I love how you entered my life and I love how you left it. You'll always be welcome back, because I am weak for you.

Today I was strong.
I woke up, didn't smoke a cigarette, enjoyed the sunlight on the way to work.
You texted me.
I stopped in my tracks.
I legit stopped walking and looked at my phone.
A familiar feeling hit my throat and my heart like a hammer.

I still miss you.
My heart still beats fast when you text me.

I thought to myself today, that if you called and asked me to be yours right his second, I am not quite sure I could say yes. I miss you, of course; you're on my mind all of the time, but I have a hard time going back to someone that ended things. Maybe, it's because I am finally realizing I deserve someone who wants me the same way I want them.
I guess if I am being honest, I am just mad. I am mad because I wanted to explore this universe with you.  I'm mad because when something great or horrible happens in my life, I reach for my phone to text you and I stop myself because that's not what you want anymore.
I sometimes wonder when I will not feel the urge to have you near me. I am crazy, I think. I started to daydream-I was actually willing to eventually move close to you if things went well because that's how hard you hit me. That is insane. I guess it's because when I fall, I fall hard and it's all or nothing for me.
You ended things the way a perfect gentleman would and I respect you so much for that. I wish you would've been horrible to me or just ghosted me, because then I would have a valid reason to move on. But, in your sweet nature, you let me down easily and I love you even more for it.

How is it possible to fall for someone even more after they have just told you goodbye?

Who knows...