Endless waiting
Someone asked
When will I be happy?

They hurt me
But that was years ago
And I'm still waiting

I remind myself
Happiness is in the moment
When it comes, I hold it tight

I remind myself of too much
Repeated conversations
Painful memories, waiting to-dos

I remember to look at the numbers
At my energy, my feelings
Nope, still not the right day

Does my body change
Or my view of it

Sometimes panic
Other times disinterest
Confidence
Rejection

Rejection of change
Rejection of the present

Thinking back to a past
Skinnier and dying
Thinking to ideal future
Slimmer and healthy

I weight lift every day
But I don't feel stronger

I want to be strong
Muscles and focus
I want change
Where I am in control

I wake up and the day begins

The sun rises
The cup empties

I go back to bed

The shadows change
The clock ticks

I get up and try again

Marie Antoinette historian
Squeezed into a never too tiny house
Up next in my watch queue
Out of touch, but still at my fingertips

Bored, distracted, lonely, overwhelmed
I'm thinking about cutting it all down
Still watching a Met fashion commentary
Man dismissing neckline of dignitary

A girl at a screen staring
Scratching and picking
Mind blank but running
Remembering nothing

Just upload me already

I don't drink
I don't smoke
I just pick my face 'clean'

I hate how I look
How I cope
How I think

It's distracting with sensation
But I'm learning new things

I'm learning about breathing
Soothing kinks
With harmless stings

I hope this time I make it
I hope the habit's choked

I'll keep going through new motions
Taking the reign's what makes a king

I hear you like a poem about love
About grief
About joy

What happened to poems about lizards?
Coffee makers?
Toys?

Our minds focus on relationships
Emotions
Things that annoy

I wish my mind was expansive
Collected facts on clean energy,
Plants, alloys

Instead it's still rerunning
Dumb thoughts about
Past lover boys

Perhaps my new productivity method
Should be to have an urgently pressing
Other thing needing to be done

Academic paper deadline?
****!
Seven poems
Two photoshoots
One singing practice
And a gourmet dinner