I have kissed boys

Girls

People in between

But lately I have been kissing bottles

Their lips are colder than yours

But slowly I have realized that the pounding headache when I wake is less hurtful than the shattering in my chest

Yet as these toxins rush through my veins

I can't help but miss the tracing of your fingers along my skin

Miss the numbness of the world when you lie with me

But when I wake I remember that a headache is treated with an aspirin

While heartache

Well if you have a cure for Heartache let me know

I never thought I'd matter
To anyone

Until you
Came along

And changed my perspective
Of the universe

You made me feel
Like I matter

And I'm grateful
For you.

i woke up this morning
to an “I LOVE YOU”
text in all caps
sent at 2:29am

no “for...” or
“when...” or
“because...”

unwarranted
but unequivocal

in my foggy morning headspace i
searched through the events of yesterday
looking for things i might have done that you’re thanking me for—
i didn’t hold you while you cried or
feel your burning forehead or
fold your laundry—
there must be something i did recently
to prompt your adamant and abrupt declaration or
confession

an immediate reason
for loving me
because surely there must be
a reason or

you must have texted the wrong number
and this was meant for someone else
someone more
deserving
someone who does not have to work to warrant love—
especially the kind
that explodes like a firework out of the soul at 2:29 in the morning or

maybe you were drunk
you must have been
you love everyone when you’re wasted
i hope you were because

i can’t take your love if it isn’t conditional
that would mean that i
well that i’m good enough
and that everything i’ve suffered to
paint worth onto my teeth and tongue
never worked or ever meant anything

nonmeditation
is the best kind of meditation
not doing,
just being
not listening,
simply hearing
simply here

How do I write poetry
simple by being?
effortlessness is effortful
How do I show to the world
the way my brain should work
so that I appear
                          smart
                          ­         articulate
                                                   thoughtful
                                                      ­                 d
                                                               ­        e
                                                               ­        e
                                                               ­        p
when really I feel like spurting a string of thoughts that would not make sense to anyone, including myself, in any moment but this one

**** appearance

here's me:

    -
  (      .     .  )
(           >    )        ()()
(          =      )  __ (   )
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