If I wanted just to disappear,
I'd have to make a plan.
Slowly, slowly, subtly,
I would turn into a man.

And as things bulge, and shrink, and lengthen
Then I'll know I cannot stay
But, having said that, knowing my luck
He would then decide he's gay.

Are you there,
Wishing, hoping, wanting?

Are you eaten up alive
Consumed by me
As I am you?

Are you dreaming
With your eyes open?

Always only half present...
Always exhausted,
Unable to escape to sleep
Starting awake, at 3am
Then locked to thoughts of me
Until the alarms' call?

Are you there?
I am here,
Wishing, hoping, wanting.

Are you there?
So am I.
I am there.
I am there, too.

I am a little bit
Scared
I am perhaps
Scarred.

I think you might have
damaged me.

My heart has
shrunk

My head pulsates with
Pain.

You've planted
something
poisonous

And future carnage
lurks within.

I wanted to be your lover,
And I still do.
You will be my dream lover, forever.
I have no choice, and neither do you,
Neither of us can escape my dreams.
I think you ought to know,
There aren't just pictures in my head,
There are words, too.
All the messages you ever sent me,
Playing over and over again, on repeat.
That's why I can't recover,
That's why I can't let you go.
You are eternally perfect, saying and doing and writing
All the right things.
I need you back in my life, flawed and deficient,
And then I'll want you in a different way,
One that will be easier to quash.

Where did you come from?
What is this all about, and
Where will we end up?

I came for the wish
You made from your hurting heart
I am what you need.

But I am scared, and
I am worried, I am not
me, I am not free.

*I will crush your fear,
Allay your worries, I will
never hurt you, hush.

Savouring the wait,
Laying out the bait,
Listening,
Glistening.

Groan escapes your lips,
Slight shiver of hips,
I know
You grow.

Finally, I feel your touch
Subtle pressures, not too much,
We'll play
Your way.

Hands upon me, with insistence,
Growing rough, meet no resistance,
Capture
Rapture.

I always held you at arms length
I now know why.
It seems that all along
An invisible cord stretched between us
I had to keep it loose -
Taut, it pulls at me and hurts
It threatens to snap
And then I'd fall.

All around and everywhere
Are people wanting people
Who are even more than forbidden.
Not to act
Is expected, but underneath
We know what happens
And accept.

Shall I pull on the cord?
I could cut it with my teeth
But what if it's a shining wire?
It will catch on my tongue
And make me bleed.

Perhaps instead
I'll tenderly unravel,
Strand by strand
Our parting will be gentle
Our lives remain intact.
These invisible cords are commonplace
They don't just disappear.

I am not a very nice person
And it's fine.
I know it, I accept it
I am not nice.
I don't want to be nice.
Who would choose to be Olivia Newton John
Over Scarlett O'Hara?
Nice gets you nowhere,
Good gets you nothing,
Ask Marilyn, Miley or Madonna
Nice girls finish last.

Homing beacon lips
Your aim is true, this swift kiss
Fated not to miss.

I gently nurture hope that we will always love, as we do, your me, my you.
Myriad possibilities dark-dance through my mind,
Light-love; of an abstract, labyrinthine, wish-want kind,
Take me with you, please, where'er you go,
Yours are all and only worlds I'll ever need to know.
Spend your restless hours in sweet deepling thoughts of me
Latching on to futures, that may ever yet, still be.

Please don't hurt me
Oh, and oh, you know you could.
I have seen you cut people dead
And I would die, bleeding at your feet
If you cut me in that way.
I would die, crying for your kisses
With your name on my lips
And your taste in my mouth
Trying hard to smile
And not to cause you pain.
Please remember that you are my friend
And lift me gently to my feet
Forgiving us for all of this
And loving me no less.

Isn't it funny how
any word with an x in it
is potentially
Dangerous, fascinating
And x-iting.
I wonder why?
It's just another letter.
***

The perfection of a moment
Is limited by the fact that one day,
You will remember it wistfully,
And you know you will.

I have no words to speak of these tears
That arrive unbidden, an exquisite release
That has nothing to do with grief.
I can do nothing but allow them to blanket me
with something that is not quite comfort, but knowing;
"Ah, so it is, this is what it is, and will be."
This is a moment that is purely mine,
A recognition, something permitted, at long last.
No denials, for I know myself,
And can be gentle, now.
I love you.

There's something stuck in my throat.
I think it's my heart,
Trying to escape.
It cannot cope with any more pain.

It could be ***** though,
*****, or my heart?
Let's play Russian roulette.

If I cough it up
Will it be a magical cure
Or the death that I deserve?

I am a bit hot
For Harriet Tecumsah
What is wrong with that...?

Lots of hands
Reaching out and touching me,
Tentatively.
Lots of minds
Sending little poem probes
Deep into my own.
It's Saturday night.
I have a sore throat,
A cup of tea,
Hello Poetry,
There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

Can I have me back, please?
Thief of my life
Can you set her free, for me?
What you have given me back, so far
Bears no resemblance to the glowing, happy girl you stole away.
I admit, the resemblance is there,
But what's this desperation in her eyes
And the dark, dark circles underneath?
Where's their laugh and sparkle?
This can't be my me
Can I have her back?
Or, if this imposter is a part
Of what I was, then
Can I have the rest?
Can I have back
Calm contentment
Eyes wide shut
And the most important part that was your friend?

In the heart of the night
I told her,
Your favourite toy will come alive
And creep around your room
On her tiny, twinkling feet
But only if you are asleep.
How sweet, to spark her dreams
But
It occurs to me
That this is terrifying for her
How can I take it back
And quash her fears
Without breaking her heart?

You are a slowly growing tumour
Feeding on the best things in my life
You are cancerous
And I cannot cope
With the side effects
Of the cure.

There's a name that I can no longer hear, or say.
So I have hidden my four year old daughters' favourite book (about a bee),
And taken down the postcard of the Houses of Parliament
That sat in my study, for years.
CBeebies is switched off at certain key moments, too,
It's only a cartoon, but...
I can't hear, see, speak or think the name,
Without wanting to *****, or cry.
It means 'son of...'

And that's pretty apt, actually.

Pain is a test, you've failed.

Stop writing about ***.
Get out of bed, and tidy the house
It looks like a pit, and so do you.

Stop sabotaging your happiness.
Reign in your emotions.
Think before you speak, and leap,
And loop a leash around your heart.

Secretly, people think you are...
(Insert a multitude of insecurities here)

I hurt.

Stop
Stop now
Stop right now
I will not read and
I will not respond, I have
nothing to say to you, nothing
you would ever wish to hear, you
should just stay away, you should always
just have stayed away, there will never be a
chance for you to have me back, as anything, as
anything that you would ever wish to have, so please,
Stop
Stop now
Stop right now
Stop thinking about
reading you will not read
you will not respond, he has
nothing to say to you, nothing
you would ever wish to hear, you
should just stay away, you should always
just have stayed away, there will never be a
chance for you to have him back, as anything, as
anything that you would ever wish to have, so please,
Stop.

Never think of me with regret
We will leave unspoken that connection
And remain as we were,
Barely even friends.
Why am I so sad?
I have lost, really, so very little
We were never close
I was too afraid to examine the reasons why.
I would love to claim you as my friend
To tell you now, how you delight me
How the twist of your smile
Makes my insides spin
How I want to move against you
And feel your hands press
Around the curve of my spine.
But these are not the thoughts of a friend
We are not, and never will be
Anything of the sort.
What will we be?
Please, not awkward strangers
Regretting a night I would rather relive.

I am a coward,
And a failure,
Disguised as a successful human being
You'd have every reason to envy.

I have it all,
Yet I have nothing.
I've followed all the rules
And life has delivered, accordingly.

If I won't renounce apathy
And find my own way out,
Then I have just what I deserve.

Let's face it,
I have wasted four decades,
Wasted.

I'll read this poem
Every day
And then, I'll either do nothing
Or allow it to enter and alter me,
Gradually.

Listen.
Somebody is whispering a secret
She needs us all to hear.

Look.
She has carefully removed her heart, from her chest
with a sharp edged scalpel
And placed it on a plate
Beating feebly, drained of blood.
She anxiously awaits
Our inspection and response.

With each reaction
It beats with a little more conviction.
Just a few more
And she'll be ready to return it to its place.

Tomorrow
She'll remove her heart again
And hide it somewhere close
She has to make it harder
But she'll whisper where it is.
Will you listen?
Will you search?