like a deer in the headlights,
i stood in awe
encaptivated;

waiting for you to hit me

traces of you
are left in my poems
like a sneaky ghost
that quietly haunts me

like coffee stains
on a white tablecloth;
like a desire path
that leads to a cliff

i could delete my poems,
throw away the rags
and jump off a cliff

but i can never delete you
or the love i had for you

so, long live in my poems
amongst these empty halls
cheers for the good times
i hope i won't remember them at all

enjoy being a ghost
in the name of the love
that once was

after four long years
and feelings so intense,
after four long years
when i was such a fool
to think i could be loved
after it all
the downs and the falls
the highs and the climbs

how could you
tear me apart?

where did all the respect go,
must i rip off my own head
just to make you satisfied?
am i to be chained to one place, and
never see anyone
just not to get slit by your tongue?

am i really that hard to love?

i gave it my best,
why did you stop trying?
since when did i deserve
such foul language
and threats to come to my house?
calls to my family,
lies being spread?
no friend was left alone,
then you explode?

what the hell did i do to you?
you impaled my heart
and poisoned it with your words
now my perception of love
is forever ruined
now i am unloveable
i am unloveable
after four long years
you showed it to me
i am unloveable
i can never trust anyone to
love me
without an expiration date
for i am unloveable

i am unloveable so much
that after four years, you told me
you didn't know how
disgusting of a place
this world was
until you met me

why am i so unloveable?
everyone will leave me
or i will must leave them first
for if you can say such things
after four, four ******* years
then there is something
fundamentally wrong with me

i am unloveable,
i am unloveable
it is just written in my destiny
in the code of the universe
in the deep seas of the galaxy
i am unloveable
deeply, unchangeable,
i am unloveable
it is that simple
yet so hard to grasp
it may never change
at least that fact will always
be by my side,
like an old friend,
a weird comfort
to know at least one thing straight
until the end of times;

i am unloveable.
it may never change.
it always turns out the same.

life with you
could have been simple
and easy to swim through;
life with you,
could have been nice enough
to stay afloat, head above
the dark water

but,
who's to say
i wouldn't drown?
who's to say
you would not push me down?
i feel the salt
in my mouth, on my lips,
already,
and my heart is sinking down
to the bottom of the sea.

the crawfish are there,
eating my broken heart.

did i do right,
is this to survive?
or is it a fatal mistake,
writing my own end?
who's to say?

i guess
only time knows.

claws tore my heart apart
and it's aching, it's bleeding out

were they my own claws,
a lioness awoke? finally again
learning how to crawl?
or was it you,
who ripped it apart
guided by misty eyes,
blurred to the edges of the Earth?

how do i go on,
or do i drop dead on the floor?
how does such a gaping wound
ever live to be safely cocooned again?

my chest is burning,
and every step hurts
yet you ask me to put this
blade, right through my heart
what the hell did i ever do to you?

will i ever be enough?

Lady Universe, please,
i stretch my arm out
in hopes for but one sign;
i am begging,
for you to overshadow me,
bury me with your knowledge,
if even for a second,
and show me just one sign --

is this really how it's supposed to be?
is the hole in my chest
written somewhere in the galaxy?

do i continue writing cheesy lines,
or do i take the knife
with my ever trembling hands
and cut off the limbs that connect me
to the reality that is now?

я катаюсь в грязи
пожалуйста, дай мне один знак.

the sunset brings me comfort,
will this life give me comfort?

моя маленькая красавица,
я твоя сияющая звезда?

i love you so much
and this feeling can never end
you are my home
so please,
stop tearing me apart.

is this ever going to go away?
Lady Universe, please,
i am but a slave of your mind.

all i'm asking for
is just one sign.

i'll watch the sunsets
in hopes of finding your beauty there.
maybe one day,
i'll finally know.

maybe one day,
i will understand.


With love,                                                        
jus­t a girl.

they told me the sky was my limit,
then they dragged me through the mud.
they beat my brain up to dust,
flipped me upside down.

but, with dirt in my eyes,
i stared at the clouds
and my breath suddenly stopped:
the golden clouds, kissed by the sun,
stretching across the blue, blue sky,
brought me peace;
even for just a single moment
with the breeze softly brushing against me
their soft voices convinced me,
"You will be alright."

what a big writer you are,
with tears serving you as ink
in the end, always
leaving nothing behind

||             look at me!,      ||
i playfully scream,
                                    balancing at the edge
||     of the rusty rails     ||
used only by ghosts
of trains, and of
people

the cliff                                          
||       turns gravity        ||
to pull me closer,        
into a                                            hug
||    i've always wanted,     ||
like a good parent
after praising his son

the call twists my
                                brain
insides                 ­               
pulling me          
closer          
                             to the cliff,

and i wander,
and i wonder,
and i
||        s c r e a m      ||
and i wish
i could
cry.

||                          ||
the rails are
closing in,
i don't have
much time

to write what i say,
                        || and sa||y what i write
i wish someone
could love me
now.

|n|ow|,|
not even the
rails
want me,
i fall
into the void,
now,
i     di         ||e||                  ▫️

hello, dear Sun,
with the ever bright smile,
the Sun that seems I left behind,
the Sun that appears in my mind.

the Sun was always beautiful
and it's warmth was like no other;
it made everyone's day brighter,

if only she herself could feel joy.

i read the Sun's letter
and the wishes on the book she got me,
time and time again,
hoping, for once,
the Sun would feel some
of her very own, warm rays of light.

and so, very well,
if the Sun wishes to leave,
i will gladly go blind
watching the Eclipse,

by fits and starts
dreaming of times
i felt the warm, yellow strips,
glow on my face.

dear Sun,
if only you knew
i never meant to hurt you,
if only you knew
what i felt back then.
because feeling the dark
slowly creep in,
sensing the Sun
set back in,

i set off first.

and for the rest of the night,
i talked with the Moon.

the darkness wasn't new.

i left, when i knew i'd
be stranded in the dusk.
so i chose not to walk on that line,
but to simply indulge myself
into the night.

i left,
not you,
never you.
i escaped from the clouds
that were threatening
to drench me in poisonous raindrops,
i escaped,
knowing you'd eventually
turn off your light.

and so,
the mute silence
dropped the curtain itself.
it is made out of iron,
and i cannot lift it alone.
the Sun cannot get through.

if only Sun knew,
i never wished to leave you.

but the Sun would leave first,
this is something i just knew.

like a survival instinct
screaming i'll get burnt.

and eventually,
when the Sun left, or when
i left the Sun,
different emotions
would pass me through.

what i may be myself,
is this dark side of the Moon.

today, i give up,
for the last time,
like a shadow that evaporates
in front of a strong light,
and i am letting go.

today, i'll just hope
the Sun will remember
how special she is
and wish for the Sun
to finally be filled
with unwavering joy,
even if that may be
just wishful thinking.

the Moon at least loves me,
here in the gloom,
but i can't expect this out of a Sun;
"but you did not follow me
into the dark."

a puff of breath
slips into the cold air
while i sit on the ground.
i try to restart my heart.
i hope, when the sun
hits the clouds once again,
i can be kinder,
this next day.

in this land of supplements,
you are the only certainty,
the original, pure essence
that can satisfy my lust.
no amount of medication
can cure me like you do,
no amount of drugs
could make me as happy as you do.
you take my lust and need for happiness
and shape it into something called life,
a life i can live,
the one i can be sure i want to live.
is this what will ultimately shape me?
or will my black void prevail?
or are you the black hole,
which swallows me whole,
and leads to something else?
when you hold my hand
i no longer fear death;
i fear for you,
and try to find ways
to satisfy you.
do i satisfy you?
or will you leave?
will the swinging make you seasick?
or will you dance in the strong wind?
or will i drown, while you drift away?
if i drown, would you still save me?
if i drown,
will you still miss this body of mine
my shell on earth
that i hate so much?
will you miss my soul,
like i would miss yours?
like i miss your body right now?
i know all of the answers,
you are as certain as time,
constant and continuous,
and your love is as comforting as life,
so i hope you know how much i love you
through this messy head of mine,
where my thoughts are escaping
and i feel ill
and i drive people away
but i hope you stay.

i am a sword
that acts as a shield
and, thus, falls apart.

i write empty words
with a lot of emotions in me;
hidden meaning only i see.
it's the only place where i can hide
from the slick voice that
makes me leave others behind.
the voice, it says
it's just my nature
but i'm not so sure,
though it can feel like home;
i'm not so sure,
i want to hurt anymore.

"Everyone's a protagonist of their own
story. That's what I thought", he said,
turning to face me:

"Until I met you.
Deliberately ruining
everything you succeed in.
Making destruction of yourself be art.
And allowing nobody else to learn it."

Unprompted,
he kept walking towards me.
After a few steps,
he stopped in his tracks.

"Are you not tired...

...of being the villain,
in your own story?"

I left out a single sigh,
and turned around.
Then I kept doing
what
I do best,

And stabbed myself in the heart.

hold my hand
and even if it
falls apart,
just know;
you'll assemble me anew.
the world is ours to pursue.

tonight, your aura shines
the moon enhances your light
and our love gets intertwined;
your gasps fill my lungs with awe
as you lay there, more beautiful than ever
to your angelic energy, i surrender
even though i may be the devil

maybe i am mourning my own death;
perhaps i've been dying for far too long

the ground is shaking.
a needle pierced my heart.
my lungs are ripped, too.
bleeding through the holes.
bleeding out of my mouth.
bleeding out, i'm bleeding out.

please, don't make a sound
as i lie on the ground
because everything familiar
is now disappearing
and i'm left like a stray dog
here, on this shaky ground.

the ground is shaking.
the earth is trembling.
the ground is shaky.
the earth is heavy.

don't leave me alone
in this pool of tears
as my world burns down,
as my temple for you
crashes down.