I am quick to cry and to anger
and people think I'm strange.
They don't see how hard I try to control it,
I know I'm seen as deranged.

Emotions can be overbearing
and it's difficult to stay quiet
when someone upsets me
It's simply not easy to hide it.

I guessed for a long time that the issue was with me.
But I thought I could watch maybe learn their technique.
For keeping a cool head when things get heated.
Instead of losing it over nothing and feeling totally defeated.

I was wrong it turned out.
I don't have breaks I have border as in
borderline personality disorder.

I got a diagnosis
and was incredibly afraid
that people would treat me like someone
who'd contracted the plague.
While I wasn't right,
I wasn't totally wrong,
mental illness is unfortunately
still mostly ignored.

If I was unwell with a headache,
people would ask
'Are you okay?'
'Here I've got Panadol Actifast.'
But when the ills
In the mind and I say
'I'm feeling down'
9 times out of 10 people get freaked out.

So it's tough when you're shamed
For having a disorder
A lot of normal people suffer
So could your son or daughter.
So next time you hear someone say
'I'm feeling down.'
Do me one favour
and please,
just don't freak out.

It's hard enough already dealing
with this day to day
without having friends
turn their backs and walk away.

The after life part 13


Cronus has had his fair share of junkies recently when someone who killed himself after overdosing on Panadol and Cronus said Jacki burnhead who do you want to be in your next life and Jacki said I want to be a bird and when that bird dies, I want to be another bird untill I get confident enough to be a human again, and Cronus said I could arrange that because taking too much Panadol is bad and it is ****** behaviour and Jacki said I am not a ****** mate I was just somebody who was in a lot of pain and no prescribed medication at the right dose was doing any good, so I went to the shop to buy heaps and heaps of Panadol and Cronus said, did that stop the pain you ahead and Jacki said **** NO, all it did is fucken **** me but I am no ******, right, I just wanted Athena to heal me and Cronus said Athena will only heal if you do the right thing on earth like take the right dose, Athena will call you a ******, Jacki
****** Jacki that is what you are, a total ****** and Jacki said, I AM NOT A ******, just stop calling me a ******, I was in pain, can’t you tell and Cronus said ok, but really you need to learn and I think you are right, you need to be a bird, flying in the air for a while because you don’t really have a real purpose in life like other people, you just expect Athena to heal you with easy ****** like drugs like Panadol and Jacki said I am going to **** you from the after life and Cronus laughed saying, you can’t **** me, out of here because I am a powerful being who will make you a rainbow lorikeet and Jacki said, thank you, I guess and Cronus sent Jacki to Athena for a soul check and after yelling at Athena for 10 minutes, which she lost, then went to Saturn to have a methane smoothie and to watch bon Scott and Freddie Mercury
Perform and then Cronus had Brian simonston from Westminster who was killed by a drug ****** after getting hit by a speeding car and Cronus said
Brian, what do you want to be in your next life and Brian said I want to be a salt water crocodile, because I love salt water, I want to be protected enough so I won’t mean to **** anybody and I want to be looked after by the Irwin family and I want to really destroy that junkies life up here from space, like I want to get inside his head so he doesn’t get away with what he did to me and Cronus said, I can see what I could do, and yes, you could really get into his head, of that ****** ****** and Brian said thanks and then went to Athena for a soul check and went to mercury to torture the junkies of earth in their heads and then Cronus had Kenneth Barbury who was a man doctors called a ****** because he always wanted a stronger medication to heal him, and he doesn’t believe in the powers of Athena because the cosmos to him should be easy, and Cronus said what do you want to be in your next life and Kenneth said, a boy in a happy family who has money for me to be cool and playing sport or theatre and Cronus said, well, even if you reckon athena’s powers are fake I will grant your wish and you will go to a wealthy happy family, but you must learn that Athena can heal you, she has that power and Kenneth said ok, whatever and Cronus sent him to Athena for a soul check which Kenneth was shocked to see Athena was real and then went to Jupiter to watch a football match between cosmos capitals and Cronus kings and Kenneth wants to have the power to write a story of what he knows about the after life with Cronus and Athena and Buddha

where is that Dettol cream
to soothe these burns
tearing up my fragile skin

can’t handle these
children in conversations,
at the dinner table, like Pinot Noir
a stain on the embroidery,

what has happened to the Panadol
on the twelfth shelf of the walk in pantry
we’re all going to throw a *****

it’s all plasters, plastercine
playdough, dresses with cheap
cliché’ commercial slogans -

such a numb drum melody,
the top shelf
of every pantry is a *****,
might as well lend a little
helping hand, sponsor a child
charity

Its tough to bring up a child on your own



You ser Roalyn joan Parkse was a single mum who every day, struggled
Through life, trying to raise her 3 year old daughter Katie, you see Katie's father
Was a ******, and yes,,Roslyn was ***** into being pregnant, she wanted an abortion
At first,,but then she was thnkimg, she always wanted to be a mum, so she decided to take
The risk and give birth to her daughter, but it's hard because, every day she went out
She kept looking at her daughter,,and then she'll have a horrible thought, that, what if,,she
Met her ****** again,,and she made a pact not to tell Katie who her real father is, mainly
Because, Roslyn wanted to make sure that Katie knows that she loves her.
The day after Roslyn gave birth to Katie, the father was sentenced to 45 years gaol, and
When Roslym heard that, she was relieved, because she can be at peace, and that made her live her life, making sure Katie is protected.
Roslym had her hands full trying to juggle raising her baby, on the little bit of money that the government gives her with the baby bonus, and she was told she wasn't eligible for any type of pension,,but if she, is willing to sit in on an interview with the men at centrelink, she might be able to receive the single mothers pension in 5 months, and Roslyn was a bit hostile about sitting in on an interview because, that's how her life with Katie's father was,
You see, Roslyn's parents hated Katie's father because they knew that he was bad news, and another thing too, they also knew that he was capable of anything.
You see Roslyn, as a child was easily led into any relationship, and also she was easily to be taken advantage of, and even if Katie's father appeared nice to her, he really was a really horrible man.
You see he started to muck with Roslyn, to keep her away from the family, and then when
He did that successfully, he will lure her into his bedroom,,and make sure that Roslyn was unaware of what he was putting her through, when Roslyn started to see sense, he gave her an illegal drug, which he said was a panadol after trying to calm her down, yes,  go felt better, but she was under a stupid dillusion that Katie's father was Mr Wonderful.
But she was drugged when she was showing signs of understanding that she is in the wrong relationship.
Roslyn's parents were frantic, as they were really worried that Roslyn was not calling .
them, and even when Roslyn's father died when she was 25, Roslyn was given another illegal drug to make Roslyn be really spaced out, so she can be too out of it, to attend her father's funeral.
And despite Roslyn's mother worrying why her own daughter wouldn't go to her daddy's funeral, she started to worry, and went on a mission to try and find and rescue her daughter, because, she was thinking that this is stupid, this horrible man, whose name was Jack Robsrts, was trying to force her daughter just to keep away from being a family person.
And when she eventually found Roslyn, of course when she knocked on the door, and Javk answered it, and when he saw Roslyn's mum standing there, he tried to shut the door into her face but as he did that, Roslyn's mum, used what she learnt in self defence class,,and knocked him out with one punch and she went straight up to the top bedroom and there she found Roslyn spaced out on the illegal drugs that Jack gave her, and when she was bringing her down the stairs, Jack got up and then grabbed the nearest knife and decided to hold a little hostage situation, but Jack was unaware that Roslyn's mum called the police, and despite the police sitting outside Jack's house for 2 hours,,they finally rescued Roslyn and her mum, from Jacks evil clutches, and they were put into an ambulance to be checked over, while Jack was arrested and yes as we told you, he was sentenced to 45 years behind bars,,but as Roslyn was being checked out by the doctors, which they saw she was drugged and also she was pregnant, and despite having an argument with her mother about it,,she decided to do what she wants and keep the baby,  because, Roslyn knew as long as Katie was unaware of who her real father was while being young, everything will be alright.
But her life was a complete nightmare, trying to raise Katie, always looking over her shoulder making sure that nobody was following her, and even though Roslym tried to keep a brave face, she was really suffering, looking after her baby, and she started to wish she
Listened to her mum when she said to have an abortion, but she wanted Katie to be unaware of how she really felt.
Each birthday that Katie had, Roslyn tried to make sure that Katie had heaps of friends to play with, and her first birthday Roslyn thought it was cute that Katie was doing baby talk with all her little friends, and she tried to make Katie feel so special, on her first birthday, and since then Roslyn struggled through life, trying to juggle her social chit chat with friends as well as giving her mum babysitting duties,,yes she started to feel good about her decision to keep Katie and at Christmas Roslyn met a man, and because of her track record with men, her mum was concerned even if she had met him and thinks he s charming but so was Jack, but that's in the past and Roslyn's mum told herself to trust her daughters man, and not think about Jack, because it will be good to have a father for Katie, so she kept it under her hat.
And on Katie's second birthday, yes she had a party and yes she made a lot of new friends, and Roslyn was happy because she was fooling around with her new man, whose name was Kenneth Kopland, and Kenneth asked Roslyn for her hand in marriage and Roslyn accepted, and when she told her mum, she tried to keep a brave face, hoping that she wssn't about to make a big mistake.
And 3 days before the wedding in November of that year,,Roslyn heard that Jack had escaped from prison with a couple of inmates and she was so worried she told her mum and despite days of putting it off, she eventually told Kenneth who made Roslyn feel protected by this man, and he told her, Roslyn, just stick with me, and you'll be safe, and after her honeymoon and then Christmas where  Kenneth dressed up as Santa for Katie and on New years eve, Roslyn was pregnant, with her second child but she was still worried that Jack was out to get her, and when Roslyn was out with her girlfriends, Jack noticed her with a little girl who looks like it could be his, but because she wouldn't touch him with a 30 foot pole, he had two arrange a little hostage situation for her,,and mate, if Jack doesn't get what he wants, he will ****.
So the day before Katie's third birthday, Roslyn and Kenneth were getting ready to go
To New York to visit Kenneth's parents but while they were doing that, Jack paid a little visit on Roslyn's mum, where he held her hostage, untill she tells him where Roslyn lives, and after 4 hours of yelling at Jack to leave her be, she told a little white lie, that Roslyn died in hospital that day, and then Jack left, knowing she was lying, but he will plan this little situation for her and then in a couple more weeks when Roslyn returned to her home town,
With Katie and Kenneth, Jack saw Roslyn in the car, and decided to follow her and yes he knew exactly where she lived now,,and it was only,a matter of time for him to make his move.
And the next day, Kenneth left for work, and Roslyn stayed at home and just kept an eye and it wasn't till she decided to go for a little walk,,she noticed Jack, and she suddenly let out a big scream and then had a yelling match, till Jack got out his pistol and shot at Roslyn, hitting her right in her chest and then kidnapped his daughter Katie, but after 3 hours of searching, the police found Jack nursing Katie at a railway station and the arrested Jack and put him back in prison and 3 hours later, Roslyn had passed away and she lost her baby as well and this made Roslyn 's mother and husband very scared as they move in to help raise Katie together because Kenneth didn't want to give her up, and when Katie was,,she was told the truth about her mother and father, and when Roslyn's mum passed away, Katie read the horrific story of how much pain her mum suffered being ***** back then, and after her grandmas funeral, she lived happily ever after with Kenneth and his new woman Josephine.

THE BOXING DAY SALES



WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THE BOXING DAY SALES

WELL, THE MALL IS OFTEN A PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO

DO THEIR STUFF, BUT BOXING DAY EVERYONE

IS PUSHING OVER EACH OTHER

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING TO THE MALL ON BOXING DAY

BUT BE PREPARED, IT’S LIKE ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE

YA SEE, PEOPLE BUY THINFS THEY NEVER USE

AND THE MOTHERS BUY KIDS LUNCH, NEVER GETS EATEN

KIDS RUNNING AROUND, SAYING YEAH WE AIN’T AT SCHOOL

LET’S CELEBRATE LET’S CELEBRATE

YOU SEE BOXING DAY IS THE FRANTIC DAY

IF YOU LIKE THE REGULAR DAYS AT THE MALL

NEVER GO ON BOXING DAY

CAUSE, THEY CALL IT BOXING DAY

CAUSE PEOPLE AT THE MALL BOX YOU OUT OF THE WAY

TO EXCHANGE THE TACKY COAT YOUR MOTHER BOUGHT YOU

TO A STYLISH RED LEATHER COAT, LOOKS BETTER AND COSTS THE FUCKEN EARTH

YA SEE IN MELBOURNE, THE BOXING DAY TEST, WITH AUSTRALIA AGAINST THE REST

AND THEN IN SYDNEY, IS THE SYDNEY - HOBART YACHT RACE, AND THAT IS RAD

AND OFTEN PEOPLE ARE CAMPED OUTSIDE SHOPPING CENTRES

TO GET FIRST GRASP AT THE BOXING DAY SALES

WITH ME, I SHOP FOR THE MOMENT, SOM I DON’T GET DISSAPOINTED

I DON’T NEED TO FALL ASLEEP OUTSIDE WESTFIELD BELCONNEN MALL

I AM USING PANADOL CAUSE ATHENA’S METHANE IS POUNDING

BUT THAT IS PREVIOUS LIFE TRAUMA, YA SEE THE PARACETAMOL IS REALLY GETTING IN

AND I CAN FEEL, WITH THE COCA COLA, AND REGULAR BRUSHING

THERE WILL BE ON INFECTION IN MY MOUTH, I DON’T WANT THAT

I PUT MY VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA TO ATTRACT A COOLER KIND OF PERSON

YA SEE, I DON’T NEED THE FIRST THINGS IN THE BOXING DAY SALES

I GET WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE, I REMEMBER A SONG

THE FESTIVAL OF SYDNEY IS OUR DAY, SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY OI OI OI

I HAVE MY HOME NOW, SO I DON’T NEED TO HANG AT THE MALL AS MUCH

BUT CURRENTLY I AM DOING A TAPESTRY ON PATRICK DUNBARS LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL

I FEEL COOL, I FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD, LOOKING, OVER CREATION, LOOKING

THE ONLY SOLUTION I CAN FIND, AND AS I SANG FINE, PETER BUCHANAN

A MATE IN WOODBERRY IN THE 1970S, DID A REALLY COOL FINNNEEE

WITH A DEEPER VOICE, HE WAS COOOL MAN

I FAKED HIM TO PROVE A POINT TO THE YOUNG DUDES SAYING

JUST BECAUSE THE OTHER YOUNG DUDES UNDERSTOOD DAD’S WAY

DOESN’T MEAN I DID, HE LOOKED LIKE A REAL PAIN IN THE ***

TAKING MY COOL KID AWAY, BUT MUSTN’T DWELL, WE MUST HAVE FUN

I AM OFF TO THE CAVALRY MATCH TOMORROW, TO SEE THE FIRST

BUT I AM LEAVING AFTER THE FIRST MATCH, NO BUSES IN THE NIGHT

AND THE BOXING DAY SALES BRINGS OUT THE RIFF RAFF THE ROUGHER TYPES

AND THE CHEAP SUPERMARKET PUDDING JUNKIES LIKE ME WHO NEED TO GO TO THE MALL TO LEAVE THE HOUSE

BUT BOXING DAY SALES ARE FUN, IF YOU AIN’T IN THE INITIAL LINE

THAT CAN BE FRANTIC

Chonny: -in car- Hey, dad?
Dad: What?
Chonny: Which way to the doctors again?
Dad: You have to turn left here and then go straight. Okay, hey what you do at doctor anyway? You sick? Eat some panadol then.
Chonny: Oh no no, I'm going there for a blood test 'cause I wanna find out what blood type I am.
Dad: Oh, ok. Is this what you do in your spare time?
Chonny: It's kinda for my work.
Dad: It's kinda... gay.
Dad: Hey boy. How's school?
Chonny: Oh, not that good... um... I get bullied at school...
Dad: Who cares? I just want to know the result from your report card!
Chonny: Oh uh uh they're pretty good, I got a A+ in math.
Dad: Mm. That's okay. 7 times 7!
Chonny: 49!
Dad: Mm. That's okay.
Chonny: I got a A+ in Chemistry.
Dad: Mm, that's good, make me the drug.
Chonny: A+ in Physics.
Dad: Mm. That's okay, you could have done better.
Dad: What about the English?
Chonny: Uh.. I got uh....
Dad: What about the ENGLISH?
Chonny: I got a... I got a...
Dad: WHAT ABOUT THE ENGLISH?!
Chonny: I got a... B, B+.
Dad: B+?! WHA, WHA, B PLUS?!?
Mom: B PLUS?!
Dad: B PLUS AGAIN?! That's it. Too late. No more chance. You die.
Chonny: WHAT?! Why?
Dad: You die, ok? When we get home, I'm gonna go to the backyard, okay, get my butcher knife, chop the branch, chop the stick from the tree, very long one, and I'm gonna have to whip a *****, I'm gonna have to whip you! I'm gonna have to whip you!
Chonny: NO! No, sorry dad! I'm sorry!
Dad: Sorry is not an excuse, okay. Just listen to my lecture, listen, listen carefully.
Chonny: -sniffs-
Dad: Ok. A, it stand for the good job. Ok. A stand for the good job, you have to get A. It stand for the good job. A stand for: A doctor. A lawyer. A dentist. Ok? All the good job.
Chonny: Then that means A can stand for a garbage man.
Dad: Garbage man? Ga- garbage man?! GARBAGE MAN START WITH A G! NO WONDER YOU FAIL THE ENGLISH! YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL DA GARBAGE MAN! Just get out of my car, ok. We already at the doctor. Just get out.
Chonny: -gets out of car-
Dad: Garbage... ugh. Garbage man start with a G. Even I know that and I can't even spell garbage.

30 Minutes Later

Chonny: -gets back into car-
Dad: So how was it? Your blood all good?
Chonny: Yeah, yeah, it was all good.
Dad: So what the result? What blood type are you?
Chonny: Um, my blood type is B positive.
Dad: B positive? B PLUS?! B PLUS AGAIN?!?

Its tough to bring up a child on your own



You ser Roalyn joan Parkse was a single mum who every day, struggled
Through life, trying to raise her 3 year old daughter Katie, you see Katie's father
Was a ******, and yes,,Roslyn was ***** into being pregnant, she wanted an abortion
At first,,but then she was thnkimg, she always wanted to be a mum, so she decided to take
The risk and give birth to her daughter, but it's hard because, every day she went out
She kept looking at her daughter,,and then she'll have a horrible thought, that, what if,,she
Met her ****** again,,and she made a pact not to tell Katie who her real father is, mainly
Because, Roslyn wanted to make sure that Katie knows that she loves her.
The day after Roslyn gave birth to Katie, the father was sentenced to 45 years gaol, and
When Roslym heard that, she was relieved, because she can be at peace, and that made her live her life, making sure Katie is protected.
Roslym had her hands full trying to juggle raising her baby, on the little bit of money that the government gives her with the baby bonus, and she was told she wasn't eligible for any type of pension,,but if she, is willing to sit in on an interview with the men at centrelink, she might be able to receive the single mothers pension in 5 months, and Roslyn was a bit hostile about sitting in on an interview because, that's how her life with Katie's father was,
You see, Roslyn's parents hated Katie's father because they knew that he was bad news, and another thing too, they also knew that he was capable of anything.
You see Roslyn, as a child was easily led into any relationship, and also she was easily to be taken advantage of, and even if Katie's father appeared nice to her, he really was a really horrible man.
You see he started to muck with Roslyn, to keep her away from the family, and then when
He did that successfully, he will lure her into his bedroom,,and make sure that Roslyn was unaware of what he was putting her through, when Roslyn started to see sense, he gave her an illegal drug, which he said was a panadol after trying to calm her down, yes,  go felt better, but she was under a stupid dillusion that Katie's father was Mr Wonderful.
But she was drugged when she was showing signs of understanding that she is in the wrong relationship.
Roslyn's parents were frantic, as they were really worried that Roslyn was not calling .
them, and even when Roslyn's father died when she was 25, Roslyn was given another illegal drug to make Roslyn be really spaced out, so she can be too out of it, to attend her father's funeral.
And despite Roslyn's mother worrying why her own daughter wouldn't go to her daddy's funeral, she started to worry, and went on a mission to try and find and rescue her daughter, because, she was thinking that this is stupid, this horrible man, whose name was Jack Robsrts, was trying to force her daughter just to keep away from being a family person.
And when she eventually found Roslyn, of course when she knocked on the door, and Javk answered it, and when he saw Roslyn's mum standing there, he tried to shut the door into her face but as he did that, Roslyn's mum, used what she learnt in self defence class,,and knocked him out with one punch and she went straight up to the top bedroom and there she found Roslyn spaced out on the illegal drugs that Jack gave her, and when she was bringing her down the stairs, Jack got up and then grabbed the nearest knife and decided to hold a little hostage situation, but Jack was unaware that Roslyn's mum called the police, and despite the police sitting outside Jack's house for 2 hours,,they finally rescued Roslyn and her mum, from Jacks evil clutches, and they were put into an ambulance to be checked over, while Jack was arrested and yes as we told you, he was sentenced to 45 years behind bars,,but as Roslyn was being checked out by the doctors, which they saw she was drugged and also she was pregnant, and despite having an argument with her mother about it,,she decided to do what she wants and keep the baby,  because, Roslyn knew as long as Katie was unaware of who her real father was while being young, everything will be alright.
But her life was a complete nightmare, trying to raise Katie, always looking over her shoulder making sure that nobody was following her, and even though Roslym tried to keep a brave face, she was really suffering, looking after her baby, and she started to wish she
Listened to her mum when she said to have an abortion, but she wanted Katie to be unaware of how she really felt.
Each birthday that Katie had, Roslyn tried to make sure that Katie had heaps of friends to play with, and her first birthday Roslyn thought it was cute that Katie was doing baby talk with all her little friends, and she tried to make Katie feel so special, on her first birthday, and since then Roslyn struggled through life, trying to juggle her social chit chat with friends as well as giving her mum babysitting duties,,yes she started to feel good about her decision to keep Katie and at Christmas Roslyn met a man, and because of her track record with men, her mum was concerned even if she had met him and thinks he s charming but so was Jack, but that's in the past and Roslyn's mum told herself to trust her daughters man, and not think about Jack, because it will be good to have a father for Katie, so she kept it under her hat.
And on Katie's second birthday, yes she had a party and yes she made a lot of new friends, and Roslyn was happy because she was fooling around with her new man, whose name was Kenneth Kopland, and Kenneth asked Roslyn for her hand in marriage and Roslyn accepted, and when she told her mum, she tried to keep a brave face, hoping that she wssn't about to make a big mistake.
And 3 days before the wedding in November of that year,,Roslyn heard that Jack had escaped from prison with a couple of inmates and she was so worried she told her mum and despite days of putting it off, she eventually told Kenneth who made Roslyn feel protected by this man, and he told her, Roslyn, just stick with me, and you'll be safe, and after her honeymoon and then Christmas where  Kenneth dressed up as Santa for Katie and on New years eve, Roslyn was pregnant, with her second child but she was still worried that Jack was out to get her, and when Roslyn was out with her girlfriends, Jack noticed her with a little girl who looks like it could be his, but because she wouldn't touch him with a 30 foot pole, he had two arrange a little hostage situation for her,,and mate, if Jack doesn't get what he wants, he will ****.
So the day before Katie's third birthday, Roslyn and Kenneth were getting ready to go
To New York to visit Kenneth's parents but while they were doing that, Jack paid a little visit on Roslyn's mum, where he held her hostage, untill she tells him where Roslyn lives, and after 4 hours of yelling at Jack to leave her be, she told a little white lie, that Roslyn died in hospital that day, and then Jack left, knowing she was lying, but he will plan this little situation for her and then in a couple more weeks when Roslyn returned to her home town,
With Katie and Kenneth, Jack saw Roslyn in the car, and decided to follow her and yes he knew exactly where she lived now,,and it was only,a matter of time for him to make his move.
And the next day, Kenneth left for work, and Roslyn stayed at home and just kept an eye and it wasn't till she decided to go for a little walk,,she noticed Jack, and she suddenly let out a big scream and then had a yelling match, till Jack got out his pistol and shot at Roslyn, hitting her right in her chest and then kidnapped his daughter Katie, but after 3 hours of searching, the police found Jack nursing Katie at a railway station and the arrested Jack and put him back in prison and 3 hours later, Roslyn had passed away and she lost her baby as well and this made Roslyn 's mother and husband very scared as they move in to help raise Katie together because Kenneth didn't want to give her up, and when Katie was,,she was told the truth about her mother and father, and when Roslyn's mum passed away, Katie read the horrific story of how much pain her mum suffered being ***** back then, and after her grandmas funeral, she lived happily ever after with Kenneth and his new woman Josephine.

You shout at me,
Call me a *****,
And keep swearing at me.

I put on an brave face,
Say that I don't care,
Then head to my room, race,
Before the tears fall, This is just not fair.

Your words hurt and sting,
I didn't ask for this,
But your shouts get louder and louder,
You know I'm not listening.

I've lived with you for years now,
You're my guardian for GOD's sake,
But right now i can't even remember,
The last time my smile wasn't fake.

The longer I act,
The easier it gets,
My friends don't even know one fact,
About me, as I keep up with my lies.

I get shunned at school,
For being smart,
I get pushed and shoved,
Like some useless old tool.

They don't know,
How much it hurts,
But I will never free or show,
The pain I keep locked up.

They don't know how much I want to die,
I just scratch and cut and keep scratching myself,
Tonight my brother asked about my marks,
But I just shrugged it off and ate my pie.

They don't know the pain that is the price,
For me just to keep going, live,
But death offers a relief,
One that panadol could never give.

So I lay here confused,
As to what to do next,
Knife at the ready,
Wrist already flexed.

I start cutting for the last time,
Happy to die,
But you find me and start shouting,
And I wonder why??

I watch the tears fall down your face,
You'll never accept me in the same way again,
The blood seepes through my shirt,
Ruining the lace.

You never cared before,
So why start now,
These are my last thoughts
As I calmly walk towards the white glowing door.

*Finally gone,
Yes I'm free,
Now I'm finally good enough for someone,
That someone is me...

Toilet paper toilet paper
Why do people in this time
Feel the need to stock up on toilet paper
What is the point of stocking up on toilet paper
That just proves there are a lot of ***** done in a day
People are buying 5 packs of 12 toilet paper, they must have diarrhoea or something
I personally think it is stupid
They say I gotta wipe my ***
About 56 times a day
**** me dead
If you want to have enough toilet paper in a week
STOP FUCKEN EATING
Because I don’t see the connection
With the carrona virus and toilet paper
People are just scared or stupid
Well, they are more stupid
Saying toilet paper toilet paper
We gotta have enough toilet paper
Gotta wipe me ***
Gotta make sure we don’t use our hands discusting
They are also trying to stock up on medications
Mainly a junkies thing though
The carrona virus hits me
Gotta have a Panadol
Or nurefen or Sudafed
Why the **** do people convert into being junkies
People sitting in the mall
Enjoying a high calorie lunch
With 17 undescribed medicine and 6 12 pack toilet rolls
The carrona virus can’t get us
What a bunch of crap
No, those people are news-scared junkies and drug junkies
When I say news-scared
I mean they hear we need toilet paper
So we buy six 12 packs of toilet paper
We are free from any virus
That comes our way
Athena doesn’t heal you if you be a ****** so why do they do it
I am in pain they say
I am in pain
No
They are not in pain
They are junkies and news-scared
Personally I had to buy paper towels to replace toilet paper
Hopefully that works
****** junkies

Relieves stubborn aches and pains.

(20 minute poetry)

It feels like there's a bolt in my back and some crazy nut's tightening the nut
it may be a fancy but I fancy it's not,
some nut's definitely got
it in for me

Anyhow this pain will pass as most pains do
if I sit and chew on
Panadol.

They said I can't use that registered name
so I told them,
tell me that one again,
more pain
more Panadol
and for a while I smile
pain and Panadol free.

It's home time on the Central line,
Cerebral,
but fukin feral cats earlier in the day

I sway to the movements of the tube on the track
and the pig of a pain comes back.

Sun dust haze
an old wooden door
I reach, locked
handles, hands
pressed splintering
knock,

The newspaper reads EVACUATION NECCESARRY
Exasperation of the lilting seed of sanity;

the clocks unaligned to my watch
the fridge has been off for days
milk curdled, cheese hardened
this Panadol, IbuProfen parachute me
down, codeine
hits me hard upon the ground
the fireplace surrounds
a dragon breathing flames out of our mouths
and the room is no longer hot;
it is supernova.

Stars sound like songbirds outside, shooting,
gargled gin smells like grace,
erase
the drone of Arab spring
the scent of comradery
for a security station
computational bastion;
calculus of reason,
reputation, family, existential crisis
lets circumnavigate

to the window ,
reality split by liquid,
a rainbow in the sea,
children dancing beneath the Pohutakawa tree

“Hello?”
“Hello, were you here all along?”
“Long enough to see
those purple hues of your dressing gown, you
standing aimless across the room,
you came here today too?”

“I didn’t really choose” balloons, still tied to the ceiling
pop
“I must go”
“Stop”

ground dissolves, glass
mirrors, present, past
pop

“take my hand
lets watch the angels carry the sun away”

I have become the dead hour at Woolnoth
a sloth full of woe
and with nowhere to go
I go nowhere,see nothing.
Paradoxically
the deeper I sink
the higher I get.
I am set out on a table like gelatine,flowing slowly with nothing,is this a dream?
I need something soft on my skin
I need raindrops to stop me and let me get in
I need to touch and to feel that even I could begin,
but the clock strikes on dull,
I feel the stretching of sinews and I use up the 'tramadol'full already with 'aspirin' and 'panadol', and the mobile just lights up with the letters that spell out LOL.
it's the way not to start any day but the day never knew me.
I fly with the kites and am tangled in wires and the sloth only wants to settle,dreaming in spires, I aspire to be more than the dead hour.
I need to shower but the motivation eludes me and I sink further into the stink that I am become,
you can shun me I don't care.
I'm a slow learner on the back burner and I can't turn tin into gold,I need to be held,felled and falling into something more appealing instead of sinking into somnambulence and bouncing off the ceiling.

This is the state of play.

Nothing to do
everything to say
nothing to live for but sloths want much more ,as if there's a fire that burns deep inside them,ignites when they find they become men, and then there is Woolnoth,gothic and brooding.

Great poets don't die they live on and they lie in the beds between other poets heads and whisper,
do you hear them? the
ignition men
or do you hear the dull sound on the last stroke of nine?

Again I face my post-it wall,
just me, and Solitude—
My steady stool, my Panadol,
my tissues, fully ****.

With me: my cookies, wire & soup,
and don't forget the Phone—
For as I sulk, and as I coop,
Posture, degrades the Bone.

So as I'm waiting patiently
for Marriage, Love and Wealth—
My Sickness independently
will sabotage my Self.

Give me some Tramadol
Panadol
a laxative
a fixative
just
give me some peace.

Give me a new lease on life
a wife
a home
a new hip
(just thought that I'd slip that one in)

Oh Christ on the cross
how do I live with the loss
how does one start
when the heart has been shattered
and what does it matter?

Let me be drip fed on a bed
and out of my head
give me indemnity
against
whatever I've said or am likely to say
Give me
Today.

hi dudes

i had a blood test and it showed i have high cholesterol and the doctor put me on

rosuvastatin, 20 mg, it might be because i am fat, but i listen to doctors cause they know best

and i know athena is working to make look at me eating healthy food and go for walks even

if i look like i am ready to bed, yes i don’t show much energy, and i can be lazy at times

but taking 1 tablet at night on top of my mental illness medication seroquel and serenade

a lot of people call them quacks, but all i want is to live longer and inspire others to do the same

because doctors took an oathe to help you, and athena is working up in outer space to keep me relaxed

at night, not like other people who stress about exercise trying to copy me, well, ya know what i hate

well i hate the police officer who bashed that little girl for texting, i know he is a police officer but in that

situation he was a basher, i went for a walk around my suburb at 3.15 pm today, despite people saying i should

sleep, but i want to get better, and yes, i know i will go to another life anyway, i still prefer to be a human in my next life

so i can get on television, and be really famous, this weekend is halloween and i will do a show, whether i do it on photo booth

and transfer it over to youtube later on, as i have been having problems with youtube lately, but i want the show done

because then i can entertain people, you see i had a tooth extraction and it fucken hurts as i chew, but i take a panadol

to try and ease it, the dentist said, be patient, for it will go away, yes today i was going for a denture fitting

i have a vision of my best mates from school trying to get me to do what i used to do, because i was a tad weird

and i need seroquel and serenade and hosuvastatin, for my cholesterol and athena operating on me when i sleep, i will

hopefully might start to get better, you see high cholesterol is dangerous and i love life too much to die yet, and there

are many things i need to do, before i move to my next life like

1 totally clean my brain from evil thoughts

2  do shows on youtube and photo booth, to hopefully make my next life cool

3  lose me excitement that others are sick

4  eat as healthy as you can

5  keep saying to your angry voices, i am a happy dude, you seem to be an angry dude, a very very very angry dude

6  i want to be a part of many theatre performances and keep doing poetry slams

7  lose that voice, you are like mummy brian, from dads voice and the cool kids

8  i had fun being like the big mens kids back when i was young, but i want the voices to understand, i am grown up

9  keep taking my medication , so athena can help heal my hurts

you see if i do all this, my next life will be cool and famous

i am famous in a way, of being an artist a writer and a youtube partner, i want more

but if i follow all this, my next life will be popular, but i am looking after myself in a sort of a way

i feel popular now

bye dudes

I hope your phone dies and you lose your charger
I hope you get a bad haircut from your barber
I hope you get splashed by a passing truck
and after you get **** on by a duck
I hope your **** gets stuck
when you're ******* and zip up
I hope you confuse milk for bleach while eating your breakfast,
at least your white teeth will finally please the dentist
hope they switched your panadol for cyanide at the chemist
and nobody minds at all because who'd cry for a public menace?
I hope a car drives off the asphalt
and hits you while you walk
and nobody even stops to gawk.
and as you're dying, crows start to flock,
pecking your eyes out as they squawk
because it's all your fault
that my love is living in chalk
outlines on the sidewalk
and I tell you that every that time we talk

I know you know exactly how much I hate you
if you wanted to die I wouldn't dissuade you
don't bother saying sorry we know it's too late to
but they tell me that I really shouldn't blame you
because it's all my fault
that my love is living in chalk
outlines on the sidewalk
and I tell you that every time that we talk

cheese, cheers, chips
tuna pizza, deep base
long enough in the oven
remember onion on top
in the end
bring along ta tabas scope
I mean the little bottle
chilly no, spicy stuff from the states
give me the original not only
the label and bottle
don't try to fool me you know
I had it at home everyday
I lied, even worse I said
I used to work for that little company

chic, shake, mask, shock
goat head, live, pointing at you
guest of honor
holy water in the day
alcohol at night
a hundred times a day same prayer
bow and head up again and again
spiritual outside, physical inside

a hotel room
sitting on the fifth star
lift quietly down
to the lobby bar
shaking handle of
the same beer jar
cigarettes sharing with
other guys no matter who they are
wine at dinner, red and dry
anything below 13.5 degree
better switch to cha

tea, tears
mixed with funny jokes
marlboro
words prepared for tomb stone
manufactured in Swiss not
the Philippines
same same but different

winter time again
in Hannover it was
dome, domo, taxi
same people same suit
same place same ****
they call it busy ness
oh my God

(Additional piece)

Who Else Isn't Fooling Around

summer day, the hottest
bulk trials caused flights delay
sweating like hell but
won the trust with
the last trick as always
forget about chemistry
water, acid and salts
nothing matters for those
cheap, once off products
living in details are devils
hang themselves the last day
to pay all debts

acid dyes
accident dies
exclusive group of those type
stained absolutely
blocked the lights as blockers
light up fire to smoke
lighter went back to the pocket
never opened but explore this time
burnt, burnt out
all of the sins leaking
on the floor
johnny walked away silently

distance, disconnection
disappearing appearance
sky, skype, type, wipe
weep, beep, bitter, laden
a missed call, meant safe

fear, fight, fare, farewell
dear, dare, tare, tolerance
word, world, weird, wide web
man, memo, memory
mop, mob, map
fine, fancy, fantasy, finali
me, miss, miserable, mistery, mix
you, united, uniform
we, wall, warn, wallet
wow, worry, worrier

pain, penny, perfume, perform
perhaps, panda, pancake
panadol, panasonic, peninsula
fan fence fossil
fool full fuel funeral

2016.1.3

twirl ballroom spritz
    'cross abandoned parking lots

weave your lamentations
    out in umber mist

gin and panadol
white arsenic cordial

death drive in moderation                      


bushy dough
down your gumboot towers
yyo faggg
fark your sign'a'lings
carped up in the haddock pouch

in maudlin dreams
swirl your phone sleeve
round your wristflick
                                         nah
you blooster mate
right cranberry

where the **** is it? where the **** did you put it? it's not funny, hahaha, oh god, hahaa…..


but     later,    


  radio incinerator
   nightcap in sodium cloud
beached tire tree

Snip a bit here and chop a bit there,
I could bounce off the walls but would anyone care?
Does nobody see what is happening to me?

If invisible is the new black, then I'm going back
because staying here is as useful to me
as a sack of wet fish.
Wish I had a pound for every rejection I've had,
every plea that I've sent
every time I've felt bad.

All I got's a headache from the face aches out there but why should I care,
two panadol confuse me, internally bruise me and then I'm okay.

Today,
will be different.

You see you sit in the lounge room watching the TV
And at the right time you
Take your medication
And you watch the program you want and you feel at ease
As the actors are displaying
Their imaginations
While you start to get unknown voices like take your meds
And you will feel like doing 100 things Just like a robot does
Like do your chores
Hang the washing on the line
Cook your meals
Vacuum the carpet
Wash the Lino
Clean the windows
Make your bed
To do the work of these robots
And if you don't do that
You will look like a brain dead zombie bare feet holy jeans
And odd coloured clothing
In a dull grey background
And you have no money
So when you need to go to the dentist you take a panadol
And you go to athena God of Thunder as she pours methane in your mouth to get the ache
From your mouth
And you will feel it healing
Bit by bit little by little
Step by step and side by side
Yeah robots brain dead zombies and the Athena dentist
Medication allows you to show
Your imagination

The coopers family
The man with hikers feet

Today, 2 days after David and raeleens wedding a man named Johnny brown came in with suspected celluitis all over his legs as well as having lymphoedema
Which meant every week had to be fitted for compression stockings but him being lazy was very unsure about how he was going to do this and David said we must admit you into hospital to monitor your leg and find out what is going on here and John prendth who was the X-ray guy noticed his toe was bad and Johnny said
Yeah it ain’t getting fucken better so they took Johnny down for a chest X-ray and a CT scan to see why his foot is like that
And all through Johnny’s stay at the coopers family hospital the nurses and doctors have been studying his foot to find out what the hell is wrong
David knocked off from work taking the ct scan of the foot home with him to go online to get a better picture to see what is wrong here and when raeleen got home she finally took some bloods from Johnny and brought the results home to discuss them with David and David thought that Johnny needs to be tested for myositis, a disease they call hikers feet and if it was they have to put him on an antibiotics drip for him to carry with him for 6 months but you don’t have to give up on anything that he does in the community and the next day he discussed this with Johnny trying so much not to get his hopes up because this could be a collosal waste of time but it is always good to see if it isn’t and David took a photo of his two big toes and then to get ready to get them tested for myositis and if it is, he can go on plegobatin to get rid the itches he has on the inside of his body as well as the throbbing pain in the feet, John gave him a Panadol every 6 hours to ease the pain
Johnny called plegobatin and Panadol together for him is known as the wonder drug and Johnny, every day thought he was at deaths door and David and raeleen are the first doctors who cared enough to figure out what is wrong rather than put pins in his arm like a pin cushion and pump him full of the wrong antibiotics
But Johnny said everybody said my toes aren’t like any other toes he has seen but they didn’t care enough to actually say myositis and I know that sounds bad but this pain was bad and David said you can go home and I will set you up for a MRI appointment in a few weeks to see if it is myositis but mate, if it can be treated I know the way, David knows exactly how to do it, we will see how Johnny is going and if it is myositis

There's no room for a showroom so why dress to ****?
I'm dressed as Bill and Ben's dressed as Bob.

Right,
time for some sanity
on the jubilee?
no!
not really
just kidding.

Tuesday and chilly
will he
get through it?

another cliffhanger?
someone shouts
jump.

Taking panadol
for an aching heart,
lol.
and a parasol for
the sun
should it come.

It's all a bit doo dah
a tad
Fu Man Chu,
wouldn't you agree?

There are more females
than males
traveling
the rails
I'm wondering as to
how this can be,
but it's just me
being a dinosaur.


He's tall
got to be at least
six foot six and
built like a brick wall
she's
small
by comparison


The lady looks the spit of
Theresa May
she might be her and on
the way to
the job centre,
but she could get off
at Westminster,
I can hardly wait to see
but I will.

Disconcerting though
I only got on here to
go there.

She got off at
Westminster.

Grey ashes stain the skin of my thighs. I mutter a curse word at Caleb’s direction before dusting it off. He takes another long drag. It reeks of menthol and dead leaves. I ******* hate cigarettes. And most people I knew who smoked were as toxic and temporary as the object of their vice. It seemed everyone I love fancied smoking their lungs out and I had always been treated like another stick burning too close to the filter. Over time I had mastered the art of secretly holding my breath whenever they were all trying to burn their anguish. Now I feel like I’d asphyxiate to death if I try to avoid breathing in his exhaust. Sixteen year old me would have already pushed him to his demise just for the mere act of lighting a cigarette in front of me but three years had passed, and though it might not have happened in a rather drastic way as we retained our nihilism and self-righteousness, we had changed. I have my tamed my repulsion towards what I like to deem as a foible of a majority of people, and he went from being a quiet, well-behaved, clean-cut charmer to this womanizing edgelord ******. We were sitting on the same ledge we often sat on as high schoolers, contemplating whether jumping off would guarantee our death more compared to downing a dozen pads of Panadol but quickly realizing we didn’t want to die in this economy, with this **** administration slowly extinguishing half of our population as how those corrupt fascist rulers from that book he liked basically created the plague that caused mass genocide in third world countries. These days, we rarely talk about dying or fighting the oppressive beliefs we’ve been taught to perpetuate since birth. I find myself mentally counting all the times I’ve said to my father that I loved him as Caleb drones on about the girl I saw leaving his apartment this morning when I came to return a book I borrowed. This punk claims she was cute but kept on contradicting herself, says he met her when he reluctantly went with his guy friend to their church.

      “ She kept on preaching me about hell and mortal sins just last week but I figure that after last night the big guy upstairs wouldn’t be too sure about her salvation either,noh?”I rolled my eyes at him. I miss nice, good-mannered, geeky and gentlemanly Caleb. The emotional barricades and sarcastic comebacks had always been part of his package but he’s always been wary about hurting people unintentionally whether it was direct or passive. I don’t know how someone who still orders the same fruit drink whenever he eats out, who still likes the same bands, who still reads the same genre of manga and weird Russian novels, who still watches the same crime shows and anime could have changed in a way I can’t fully grasp. I comfort myself with the thought that he is just a boy after all, a boy with a tendency to be a ****** *******. “ Cut the bull, Caleb, I know you could care less about the religious ramblings of the poor *****. You got what you wanted, didn’t you? She got you off so let her have the same benefit through preaching . For someone who ****** around, you’re **** at people who are doing your libido a favor.”
       It’s a weak argument. With a face like his, he doesn’t even need to ask anyone to be with him. Girls have always been flocking to him. Weird thing is that women seem to like this downgraded version of him more. Ugh. When you’re as pretty and as interesting as him, life can be **** at times but at least you can pretend to be a lead in an indie coming-of-age movie as The Smiths play in the background.

“Wow. I never took you for a defender of their faith. Are you a believer too? Chill. You know that I was just kidding.”

“I’m just saying, even if we don’t share the same beliefs as them or if we have none, that’s no reason to say mean things about them.”

“ I didn’t mean it like that naman, eh. Lighten up. You know I am a good old Catholic boy, why, I even got my forehead drawn on during Ash Wednesday.”

“ Yeah, right and I’ve been singing in choir for a decade and collecting alms from the pews. You are a disgrace to your Church.”, I scoffed in reply. He just laughs and gets up to throw his cigarette **** in the silver trash bin he always had in his car. After lifting himself up, he motions for me to join him on the roof. I stand up from the rock I was sitting on and follow him.

“ I think we’re going to hell”, he jokes as he took my left foot to remove my sneaker. He snatches the other pair from my hands and crouches down to reach inside the driver’s seat where he puts both of our shoes.

“ Isn’t it unfair how we could be thrown into the pits of a burning void when there’s not even someone up there to judge us?”

“ Maybe there is but we’re just ******* who’d rather rely on the theories of our favorite philosophers for meaning because it’s terrifying to accept the futility of our existence as it was given to us by the big Guy upstairs.”

“ That’s just you. I don’t know if I believe in Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, nor God Himself. It’s all just bleh.”

“ Well, if you don’t believe in science or nihilism or God, then there must be something you believe in.”

       I almost laughed —not at him, but how pathetic my answer would be. I almost told him that the last thing I believed in threw me away like trash and shattered what little love I had left for myself. I almost answered him, half-crying, half-laughing that even if I didn’t have any of it to keep me on my feet, I used to believe that love could somehow hold all of us together; that a dysfunctional family is still a family as long as a parent loves their child enough, that even a bully can be a friend if you keep forgiving and trying for their sake, that it’s okay to tread through eggshells and landmines as long as the person who’s led you there is holding your hand. And I thought I stopped believing in fairy tales at nine years old. I knew I wouldn’t be able to crawl out of this rabbit hole for months to end if I let myself slip again this time with my emotions. So I keep my pathetic thoughts to myself and avoid his gaze.

       It’s late and I’m pretty sure back in the city, the person I used to believe in, the person who made the thought of smoking more unbearable to I, the person who’s the reason why I’m on this ledge again is probably either sleeping or talking to another girl.  A pretty China doll with delicate features, a shy demeanor, and an eloquence for the things he likes. Maybe he’s kissing her and for the first time, he wouldn’t taste like the last girl he loved. Maybe he’s fumbling for her zipper while I’m here trying to grasp how cold and unbearable was the truth he gave me about my worth as a person. Maybe he’s stalking that girl he always had a crush on since high school. Maybe tonight he’d die. Suddenly. Horribly. Maybe he’d disappear and everything would disappear with him. Maybe I would try smoking too just to spite him or I could stop pricking my throat with my index finger every time I feel I’ve consumed an amount intended for a human when I know I have to be a porcelain toy. Maybe I could stop measuring my wrists because like my thighs, like my stomach, like my heart, it takes too ******* long for them to finally shrink into the size that’s most convenient for everyone to love. I should probably stop cutting too— even if it is only in places they cannot see— no one likes a scarred ****** up excuse of  a girl after all. Maybe I could stop thinking that there is something horribly wrong with myself and I could pray for forgiveness for it to a being I don’t fully believe in. If I could just try, if I could try harder, if I could try to force my worn out spirit to try again, a lot of these possibilities might be achieved instead of just being another list in my head. I tell myself that maybe tomorrow, when I’m not twenty feet above ground and when dying isn’t the only thing on my mind, I could try but for now I’ll do my best not to jump.

        The night sky is so stretched out and I’ve never seen it as bright as it is tonight, because I’ve stopped looking at it for a long time and I’ve forgotten how all- consuming the feeling of so is, I finally concede and cry. I think about God and the universe and all those dead men that tried to explain the void that’s been within all of us ever since we were born. How Kierkegaard died slumped at an alley, probably drunk out of his mind. How Cobain refused to go on. Maybe I don’t entirely believe in the existence of Almighty beings and maybe I also refuse to accept that life is pointless but at the very least, I want to believe that this reality is never still meaning that even if I quit my existence, the world will go on without me. In that context, none of us truly matter all on our own in this world. It helps to know that we’re all part of something so much bigger than our feeble emotions, that the Universe is one big organism that contains us yet at the same time is inside us, that we are nothing but systems that modulate and emulate themselves for themselves. It’s comforting to be small and insignificant as a speck of dust in this world as it suggests this pain that’s been tearing at your soul for what seemed like centuries now is a force that can’t survive in the slow descent of mankind into oblivion. It is a mere pulse in the system. It is fleeting and will one day no longer hold this power over you. Or so I believe.

       It dawns unto me I still haven’t answered his question but I figured he already took my silence for an indefinite answer as he turned his gaze to look ahead instead of at me. I do the same and soldier on.

-W.

Because it's a Sunday
you open your eyes
carefully
waiting for the Panadol
to kick in,
but
your head's in a saucepan
and
you're not the man you
once were.

Swear?
I could do
and where
would that take me?

Anyway
I won't drink today
or maybe
because it's a Sunday
a small glass
of holy wine

just one more time
until the next time in which
I will
wake up and make up
a story
of how I will not.