I can't love you
In the way that I want to

And that kills me.

And I just can't close
My eyelids.

I can't turn off
My mind.

You will always be
The most pure form of art
To me.

My dear
You deserve
The Milky Way.
And I am
But a star.

People seem to want
To be desired.
To be chased after.
To be fought over.
To be wanted.
Needed.

I want to be left the **** alone.

And I know, I know this is going to come off as ****** and unfair. But it's exhausting. I am. Exhausted.

Sure, you see the girl being fought over in the movies or being hit on in the bar and it seems almost magical and endearing, sweet and **** and you just want other people. To want you like that.

But having a friend send you phrases like "I'd very much like to kiss you" late at night when they're too drunk to know any better is not magical.

Having men rev their engines and yell things like "You're red hot!" as they gesture at you to take your top off from their pickup windows is not endearing.

Feeling like you owe someone something because they told you that you're attractive is not sweet.

And then being called vain and cocky and a ***** because you're confident in who you are and how you look, that's not ****. Being confident is ****. Being made to feel guilty about your confidence is not ****.

You do not owe anyone anything simply because you are beautiful. And you are. Beautiful. It's not ****** to choose to not respond to someone who is making you feel uncomfortable due to how they speak or look at you.

I don't want to be desired. Or chased after or fought over. I just want to be left alone to breathe. To take a breath. To simply live my life.

So boo hoo me. I'm attractive and I know it. But that's who I AM. My confidence and beauty is not a question for you to answer. It's my life. Let me live it.

Little bits of me
Constantly searching
For little bits of you
In every set of lips
I kiss.

Eyes closed
Images of you
Float behind my eyelids

My desire just to hold her,
Tucks her chin into her shoulder.
Pulls her lips up.
Brings her lids down.

"You close your eyes when you smile."
"Is that not right?"
"You're just missing out on something beautiful is all."

She sends me snippets of her body in photographs. If I was meant to forget her then why would she torture me so? Her hands and her hair. Her eyes and neck and lips. So vivid in a glimpse, I can taste her. Not so innocent when she's unzipping her top in this shot. Not so sweet as she sends me her bare hips.
Photographs.
Are such.
A tease.

I am not able
To give you the love
That I know you
Deserve.

My body is craving
Someone to
Forget.

I have an obsession
With passionate people.

Could
I

kiss your neck

Until
You
Don't

love me anymore

It was when I kissed you
And searched for another's lips
Within yours
That I knew.

It's time for
The end
To come.

My last time with you
I put my lips
On your shoulder.

I wasn't thinking.
I wanted to bring you close,
You were crying.

So I brought my lips
To your shoulder.
And I opened up
To your skin.

And I was so involved
In everything that
You were.

My mouth.
Your shoulder.
My lips.
Your skin.

You will never
Leave
My mind.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

my lips on your skin.
my lips on your skin.
my lips on your skin.

I traced your body
The day I left you.

From your brows
To your hips
To just before your toes.

I felt the way
You move with me
And then I sent you home.

Oh how I torture
Myself.

Please don't let me
Let you go.

And I fell so fast
It was so simple
And sweet.

How much harder it is
To lose a love like that
Than to simply
Let it go.

How terrible it is
That I have come to the point
That to love you I must
Let you go.

And I could see in her eyes
That she was what the stars were made from.

"A disappointment"
Is what my father called me
Tonight as I was leaving his house.

Please,
Don't forget
To write this on my headstone.

Don't let anyone forget
What I am.

I'm tired of hiding
Behind playful banter
And casual laughter.

I'm bisexual.
And I'm so **** tired
Of pretending that I'm not.

Why does it matter really
If I'm so willing to love?
This is a thing that should be praised,
Not hidden away.

If it's what's on the inside
That matters the most,
Then why are we so concerned
About what sort of genitalia
Someone has
In order
To love them.

I close my eyes
And allow myself
To dream

Of all the chances I had
To kiss you.

Baseball seats
And
Late night treats

And dancing till the credits were through

And every moment with you.

but then I met

you

and none of the
worries
or
words
from before
mattered at all

amethyst on your fingertips
you were the calm to my storm

I've been told before to look out for people who just want to **** the joy out of me. That there are humans out there that would use me to feel something and then make me feel like ****. Throw me out when they were done.
I was told this because I was sweet and kind, loving and forgiving, wholesome and good and light. I was a dream. And I knew it. I was proud of being a dream.
And then I met her, a year or so ago, and I saw that others had that light in them as well. She showed me that I could love from afar, and as closely as I could. A friend. A beauty. A passing affection. And then she was gone.
And I kept on feeling so good about myself. I cried tears of loss and I laughed uncontrollably. I poured myself into my emotions and that was fine because I was sweet and kind, loving and forgiving, wholesome and good and light. I put everything into those qualities and that was just fine.
And then I met her. Again, but in another form. In a form that loved me back unconditionally. I didn't have to love from afar because she brought it to my lips and she held on to my hips. And I thought, how lovely is this pure and beautiful thing. How absolutely stunning and breathtaking.
And it never crossed my mind to what I was doing. I fell for her entirely. It was real and it was true. And then something went off inside of me. I ever so slightly, calmly and quietly, turned off my light. And hurt her for the first time.
And a day or so went on and I saw all of her. And I found that she was everything I had, and she was more. And I was jealous. And I lost my sweetness and my kind, my wholesome and my good. I filled those spots with desire and lust and where there was love I felt a fight build up and where there was forgiveness I was confused.
So I fought. And I yelled. And I tore the qualities out of her heart that she was so willing to give and I tried to put them into me. But I wasn't even good anymore. And my body rejected them all.
I became angry and ashamed, embarrassed and cruel, hateful and spiteful and rude.
I left her with nothing and I told her to leave me, not because I hated her, because I hated what I'd done to her and I couldn't bare to look upon my work.
I became the humans that I was taught to avoid. I made her into a corpse of all she could be.
And now I am a nightmare.  Warn your daughters against me. I'm a selfish angry *******. That's what I've become. And to her that's all I ever deserve to be.

I'm the ******* that broke her heart
And that's all I'll ever be

To everyone
Including me.

I will forever try
To show you
Your worth
Again.

I can't believe
The way I treated you.

You are calm
You are pure
You are sweet

I was vicious
I was rash
I was rude

How could anyone
Ever harm you
Yet here I am
Stabbing you in the back.

You are too soft
For what I did.

I failed.
I failed you.
And no words
Will take back
The ones I said.

I just want to apologize
And gather you up
And hold you close
And brush my fingers
Through your hair.

But I lost that privilege
When I acted a coward
And put all of my faults
On you.

Ever since
We started falling
I was never fair
To you.

And you loved me so purely
And you cared so deeply
And you did everything right
And good.

But I loved selfishly
And I didn't treat you
In the way you deserve.
I treated you in a way
That I was not proud of
That I am not proud of
I'm ashamed.

Then I poured all the fault on you.
I failed you.
I failed myself.
And I am no good for you.

You kissed
The palm
Of my hand

And you curled
My fingers shut
Over the place
Where your lips
Had just been.

"A kiss to carry
With you
Wherever,
Forever,
Together."

And I press
That hand
Up to my cheek
And use it to
Hold my mouth shut.

And you moved on
And you moved out
And you moved away.

But I'll always have
A glimpse
A bit
A handful
Of your affection.
Wherever.
Forever.
Together.
A kiss.

It's not the same
Anymore.

And at one time that was good
But now I'm not so sure.

I cry
Way more than necessary.

And I don't want you to think
That I'm crying to avoid
Confrontation
Or
Discipline
Or
Uncomfortable conversation.

I cry
Because I'm sensitive
And sad.
I'm a bit pathetic
But I'm entirely truthful
In the fact that
I would stop the tears
If I could.

But they just keep flowing out
When I get a little overwhelmed
Or your voice gets a little too loud
Or the days been a little too long.

I'm an ever flowing fountain of
Uncertainty and confusion
Amidst my tears and sniffles.

But please don't feel sorry for me
As my emotions pour down my face.
Don't feel guilty or uncomfortable or sad.

I'll be just fine.
I live with this.
I'll live through this.
I cry.

I miss you.

What we had
Was so simple
So sweet
So innocent
And insecure.

I miss you.

Every day
I think about you
Always.
You were
Forever more
Than just a friend.

I miss you.

How was it so easy with you?
Even now that you know
All my deepest darkest secrets
That I wanted to keep from your
Kind, pure heart.
You know.
You know me.
And it's still so
Simple.
Sweet.
Innocent.
And insecure.

But nothing
Ever happened
With all of that
Desire.

It never came to light,
But it didn't sputter out.
It simply continued living.

Growing like a flower.
Spreading like a ****.

Lovely and beautiful
And absolutely pointless.
A bouquet of
Good-for-nothings.
A mental
Forget-me-not.

I told you from the start
Not to fall for me.
Because
I know what
My heart does.

Now look
What we've
Become.

I feel you in my hands
Clutching your hip bones,
Clinging to your arm,
Wrapped around your fingers.

I feel it.

I see you in my mind
Watching you walk the room,
Seeing you smile at me,
Looking at your eyes, your lips.

I see it.

I know what you want.
Forever with me,
Together with me,
Both of us as one.

I know it.

I feel you.
I see you.
I know you.

And it's all there.
And it's all together.
And it's all tucked away.
Filed under "what if?".

It'll always be
Her
And
Her
And
Her.

It'll always be
You
On my mind.

And
She
Will
Be
Lost in my mind
In the way I wear my hair.
In the way I glance to the right
As if to share a smile
With her in the passenger side
Of my car.

She's not there
No one is.
Never was.
Never will be.
Her
And
Her
And
Her.

I dream of that day
That I rested in your arms.

My lips on the nape of your neck.
My fingertips on your collarbone.
My heart in your hands.

Sometimes moments
Don't need to last forever
In order to stay
For a lifetime.

You'll always be
A part of me.
And I you.

You're always in my head.
Over a year since I met you
Months since you've left.

But you're
Never
Really
Gone.

A love like you
Doesn't leave
A girl like me.

You live in my bones
With music
With color
With light.

You are beauty in every form
And every love I feel
Reminds me of you.

and nothing she did was unrecognized

I am in love with distraction.

When you find yourself
In someone else.

When you fall in love
In a moment.

That love
May be too much
For you to take.

But that doesn't mean
That she was too much
For you to take.

She wasn't bad.
She wasn't wrong.
She wasn't overwhelming.

She changed a life
That required too much
To change.

And she is
Beautiful
Magical
Wonderful
Perfect
In her soft skin.

She will be
Everything
To someone
Someday.

Let her go.

Let's
Resurrect
What we were.

Let's
Raise our love
From the dead.

Let's
Try it all
Again.

It was
Supposed to be
You and me
Against the world
Against the worst
Until the end
Until forever

Let's
Start
Again.

And with no heart
How will I ever
Love again.

You were it.

You visited me
And you asked me if
He holds me.

The way what you hold me.
"No."

And you came to me
And you asked me if
He craves me.

The way that you crave me.
"No."

No. No. No.

I could fill my gut
With "No."
Where you are "Yes."

I could live in your arms
I could feed off your passion
But no.

Because he holds me
In the night.
And he holds me
In the morning.
He holds me when
I'm sleeping.
When I never even
Know it.

And he craves me
Without asking.
He craves me
Without thinking.
Craving me
Is second nature
To him.

So
"No."
He's not you.
But you're not him.
And you were never willing
To be.

So go back home.
And give me back
The keys
To my heart.

There's a love
That is forever.

And it comes in many forms.

Forever love
Can be friendly
Can be fearful
Can be passionate
And can be painful.

I've lived my life
Feeling a few
Forms of forever love.

But when I met you
I felt it all.

And I could breathe
And I felt like I was choking.

And I could fly
But I knew that I was falling.

And I just wanted so desperately
To grab you at the hips
And pull you into me.
But my hands were tied.

I felt forever love with you
In every form.
And I failed you.

And in that very first touch
Of your delicate fingers
On my shoulder
I saw all that we would be.

I saw the heartbreak
I saw the sorrow
I saw the hurt

And I jumped anyway.

Don't love me.

I love in the form of
Sobs and shakes.

I build up affection
Then I rip you open
And I tear out your heart
And feed on your feelings.

I'm a monster.
And a coward.
And if I can't have you
I'll leave you heartless
Just like me.