do you know the feeling
when people do not believe you?
they do not believe you could ever be
so sad
that you wanted to die
and they laugh in your face
and blame you
and tell you to stop being so dramatic?
well, i'm not being dramatic.
i just want to disappear off the face of the earth
and have no memories remain.
so that my mother would never mourn the daughter she longed for
and my brothers would learn to protect their daughters when the time comes and not a second earlier
and my sisters wouldn't have had to grow up so quickly to raise me
and you would not be in love with someone as careless as me.

the first time i saw you


i recognized you


although i'd never met you before.
i'd never seen you before that moment


yet i'd felt i'd met you somewhere.
maybe it was like something my mother always talked about


maybe we'd known each other in a


past life


been lovers?


married?


friends?


siblings?


long lost love?
some long, sad and dramatic story
that had meant everything to us
and maybe i'm sounding crazy


by saying all of this


but i just


know you from somewhere.

you might wonder why

i never write poetry

about you.

maybe you don't.

but i'll tell you anyways.

i can only explain pain,

my own stories of suffering.

you make me happy and i can't explain that.

i can't explain how i get butterflies when you grab my hand

or kiss me

or when you put your hand in my hair while you're kissing me.

i can't explain why you make me smile so much.

you do something idiotic and it's adorable to me.

i can't explain why i trusted you so quickly,

i feel pretty stupid for doing it

but i don't regret it.

you make me happy

and i just can't explain that.

I wonder how it will feel to get my sweet revenge,

to make you feel as horrible as i felt all those nights.

to make you suffer

in physical

and mental pain

the way I did for nine months.

To make you feel so ******* happy

only to have it all taken away

by someone who 'loved' you.

But, I still can't bring myself to do any of this.

The best I can do,

is be happier with someone else.

This is as close as I come to

sweet revenge.

every day, i warned you

about me.

about how I'd fight with you

how I'd keep quiet when i hurt

how I'd lose myself and hide.

but you never warned me about you.

about how you'd hurt me

in more ways than i could imagine.

how you could slap me in the face

and fight back

and blame everything on me

and leave me feeling empty and useless.

but you always had me crawling back, didn't you?

every night you'd leave me

and I'd feel useless and forgotten.

you wanted me for one thing and

you hadn't even gotten it in the end

so i guess i win

even though sometimes it feels a lot


more like i'm losing.

please, i'll beg you

don't go

don't leave me

don't throw me away

even if i tell you to

don't listen to me

I'm wrong

i need you

more then you know.

it has been weeks since we have spoken

but I'm just discovering that we're broken




you didn't listen to my cries

and planned my demise




said goodbye to me

locked the door, threw the key.




put me on a shelf

so I could forget about myself




and watch a baby with her innocence

while I commit my sins.




and you can watch in fear while

I go the mile




to be there for Lacey

they way you used to be there for me.

that night in the dewy grass is long gone

but i remember how the cold nipped at us

the wind pushed my hair in every direction

you held my cold hands in yours

you laughed with me at my lame jokes

and you kissed me

it wasn't the first time

but it was different

and i liked it.

but all it took was

one push,

a shove, really,

that made it all

come crashing

down. and when i found the strength to

push you,

you snapped.

we can play house all that you want
but things won't be that perfect
we can pretend to forget
but i can't
we can play nice
but we're angry
we could be in the same room
and i'd wonder where you'd rather be
you could kiss me
but i wonder who you'd rather be kissing
and i'll say goodbye
because there's nothing i'd rather do.

that night

when i pushed you back

and i got up

and walked away

crying

you ran up to me

mistaking my shaking

for being cold

and wrapped your jacket

around my shoulders

which made me cry harder

because i didn't understand

how you could hurt me

and then be so sweet.

laying in the cold wet grass

with you on top of me

whispering things i didn't want to hear

telling you to stop

and trying to push you away

and i started crying

it was the first time you saw me cry

and you just watched.

i have one last favor to ask

place a kiss upon her head

tell her i love her

give her a hug

read her a story

or two

or three

explain to her why i've gone away

tuck her into bed

whisper "sleep sweet" like you always do

close the door and leave her to wonder

why her aunty who loved her so much

no longer makes her mac and cheese

or tries to steal her chocolate milk

or plays in the yard with her

or reads three books before she goes to sleep

but of course she won't remember me

she won't remember the real me

just the me that you have

created in place of the me i am,




love,

your youngest sister.

you were a bright light

that i had searched for in the darkest night




you were a secret smile

that i tried to keep for awhile




you were a small present that i had waited for

all though you were never mine




i had never known i'd love you this much

i would have never guessed i could grow so attached




you have changed me in every way

you made me start caring again




i'll never know how you did it

but maybe i'll change again, knowing how badly i ******* up with you




i had held you for awhile

watched you grow

heard words forming

saw emotions developing

and relationships forming




even though i'm gone

you have to know




that i love you more.




love,

aunty pizza.

i see the way you've hurt me

used me when you needed me

and forgot me when you didn't

now that i'm no use to you

because of distance

you're trying to throw me away

but i still try to win you back

because i love you

whether you hurt me

or not.

before you were in my life

i wasn't a person who cared very much

about anything

i didn't care about myself

and i didn't care about anyone else

but then you came along

and made me realize

that not everything was bad

and if you could love me despite the things I've done

i have a live worth living

without you i would have hurt

my best friend, who shares everything with me

my mother, who tries her hardest for me

my brothers, who can't take anymore pain

my sister, who left, but came back for me.

if you hadn't came along

i wouldn't have met the people i love

if you could read my mind

you wouldn't hear anything

my thoughts have been missing

all i have and stupid memories

on a good day you'd catch me thinking about the first time we kissed

on a bad day you'd have to deal with the nightmare of my memories.

broken bottles, broken doors, broken dreams

hole in the wall, hole in my heart

the way she abandoned me, the way i abandoned everyone

and i'm sorry if you see this

i wish you couldn't.

i didn't want to be your ***** little secret

we shared one kiss and suddenly that's what i was.

a small smile in the crowded hallway

a secret meeting during class

a hope no one noticed you kiss my cheek

a hope no one saw us kissing on the stairs

a note in my binder

a secret no one needed to know.

you whispered my name in the dark

i heard you over the sounds of the bonfire

over the football team being obnoxious

i didn't want to answer you

but you sounded scared

as i laid under the stars

in the cool grass

with my eyes closed

my body shaking

my mind remembering too many things.

the first time you left me

i knew i should have let you

but i thought i needed you

and who could love someone like me?

so, i crawled back,

apologizing, crying and taking all the blame

and you let me

and you took me back

i might have been happy

if i could have remembered what happy was.

some nights i just wanted to scream

you robbed me of feeling

and i let you

night after night

you took my hope,

turned it to pain

and made sure it never ended

but before i fell asleep

i would remind myself that you loved me

and i loved you too

i tried to be what you wanted

and what you needed

but i'm just the opposite of both.

i tried hard to explain myself to you.


but i could never find the right words.

    and you never wanted to listen to me anyways.

do you know how you took me from myself?

i lost myself in you and your words

your words were drugs and i became so addicted

and you mistook it as love

but we both know how you can't handle love from a broken girl

so you ran

right into

her arms.

do you remember the first time you saw me cry?

we were outside

when we should have been inside with our friends

you were on top of me

hurting me

i told you to stop

pushed your shoulders

and when i pushed you off

i walked away

zipped up my jeans

fixed my shirt

and started crying hard

you came up behind me and i wiped the tears quickly

hoping you wouldn't notice

the way my body shook

and i could barely walk in a straight line

all i wanted to do was scream

but you put your jacket around me

and promised not to hurt me again.

whatever you do,

don't fall in love with me

i'm broken

bruised and scarred

too familiar with pain

i'm lost in a nightmare

a world of my own creation


and it seems an though i can't be found.

Sister

not so long ago

i trusted you

and i looked up to you

believed everything you told me.

i knew you weren't perfect.

but you were perfect for me

you laughed with me

sometimes at me

but i laughed along with you.

i tried to do the best i could

i tried to be what you needed

i thought i was doing well

but not well enough i guess.

and you left me out on the corner in the pouring rain

and we both know i’ll stay there

until you come back.

vacation was little hands holding onto mine,

hazel eyes looking up at me.

mouth pulled into a toothy grin,

a two year old giggle.

saying “i love you” and dreading “goodbye”vacation was hearing “aunty pizza!” all week long

it was snuggles and playtime.

it was a silent house without you.

vacation was melting crayons and staying up late.

vacation was my week with Lacey and I wish I had it back.

remember when I left?

you said ‘okay’

didn’t question

why

or ask what had changed between us

but I want to tell you anyways

it was not you

and it was not me

it was him

he pulled me out of you

so that I could fall into him

and although sometimes I hate him

I have to thank him

for taking me away

from you.

remember the morning

you shouted

"i’m done"

and I cried?

I cried and

whispered that

i’d be okay with it

if that was what

you really wanted

and you yelled

"yes! yes, this is what I want!"

and I hung up on you.

but I still can’t

get your voice out of my head

those two words

over and over

"i’m done"

you make me want to scream

loud, unrecognizable words

escaping my throat

but I could never scream loud enough

for you to hear

so instead I write

letting the paper catch my thoughts

before they reach you.

please, get out of my head

you don’t belong in my bed

if I could throw you to the curb

I would, faster than you know

but i’m not that strong

and I wouldn’t let go

so if you’re leaving for good

don’t linger

because it’s what I hold on to.

I wish you could just figure it out

but instead

you’d rather make me suffer

though this pain

and, I know

you’re hurting too

but don’t you know

if you just fixed this

you would stop

hurting yourself

and me.

i used to look forward

to the one class i had with you

but now i dread it only wishing for it to come

so it can go.

my legs start shaking and my heart and mind

start racing

competing to see who can

go faster.

i can hardly breathe

and i feel like i might

die

and if i did

i wouldn’t mind

maybe i could find some peace

and i wouldn’t have to go to

Room A110

to spend an hour

staring at the back of

your head

wishing you would turn around and see me, staring

and realize that you shouldn’t

have left me.

it never fails

to amaze me

at how quickly

things change.

one minute,

someone’s there

then they’re gone.

one minute,

they care

the next they don’t give a ****.

one minute,

they’re screaming they love you

the next they’re whispering in the dark

telling you to leave

and i’ve learned a lesson here,

don’t trust anyone

because no one

can put up with

my endless ****.

i hate to say it
but sitting in
Room A110
feels so empty
without you
next to me
or two tables in front of me.
i can’t see your smile or stare at the back of your head
you aren’t here anymore.
but the last time you were
you let me sleep on your shoulder
and listen to your music with you
and you kept an arm around me
it’s amazing how quickly
things fell apart and how quick you were
to leave.