I dressed and put on my perfume
As if I were going to see you tonight
I fixed my hair and wore my stones
As if were going to see you tonight
But then I saw the thick layer of makeup masking my face
And the black surrounding my eyes...
That's when it hit me
I wasn't dressing to see you
Because If I were
I'd be in my simplest
Most naked
Most raw
Nature of human kind.

some girl muttered,
under her pretty breath,
through her bubblegum round lips-

that i was a train wreck-
a walking,
talking,
breathing,
train
wreck.

and i agreed.

because i'm not a beautiful suicide,
i didn't land on the top of a fancy limousine,
i didn't leap from the top of the empire state building,

i wreck full force and careless,
i wreck into others without braking,
i wreck in the middle of absolutely no where with no one to care
i wreck in small towns and i ruin lives.

i ruptured their organs
and i ripped their flesh-
i ruined their bones
and i ripped their ligaments-
i readjusted their joints
and i ravished their brains.

i slit their throats and
wrists
thighs
hips
just so i wouldn't feel alone
they were the same as me.

No one knows why.

Why beauty always disappears in the end.

Why the tree sheds it's beautiful colors every fall.

Why every night, the sun shares it's  beautiful spotlight of the sky with the moon.

Why the flowers shrivel and die after a short period of time.

Why the music always has to come to a stop.

Why the shooting stars flash by and leave.

Why every story comes to an end.

Why the fluttering butterflies always fly away.

Why the rainbow always ends up vanishing from the sky.

The reason? No one knows.

No one knows.

I'm stuck.
Inside my head again
Each time on the edge
Of discovering why
I keep getting stuck
I’m lost once again
Once more thinking hard
While sleep eludes me again
I keep getting stuck
Wondering who I am
Wondering where I am
Wondering who the person in the mirror is
I remember being small
But it feels like those memories aren’t mine
I remember everything
About love about drugs about pain
I remember so much
Except who belongs to my name
I keep getting stuck
Jammed
Feet glued to the floor
Overwhelmed with sorrow
Disgust
Rage
And more
I keep forgetting
Who I am inside
Am I the packs of cigarettes
Empty bottles
Empty cans
Am I the twisted shell
Of a car once proud
Am I the cries
Of a girl
Abandoned by mommy
Wondering why forever
Mommy isn’t coming home
Am I the canisters
Lying on the floor
After a good few seconds
Of never wondering when the pain comes back
Am I really this girl
Who binge eats at night
Am I really this boy
That is scared to be mean
Am I really an adult
Out in the world
Never getting tired
Just blacking out
I can’t sleep
I can’t get tired
I can’t get a hold or a grip or a sight
I can’t peek through this tarp on my eyes
I keep getting stuck
In a hole in my head
I keep getting stuck
In a well in my heart
If I ever get out
Will I still wonder
Why I can’t remember who I am
And why I keep getting stuck

Today was cold and damp,
          but it hasn't rained in weeks.
I attended a funeral today,
          but no one died.
I saw my reflection today,
          but it didn't look like me.
I saw the sky!
          but it wasn't blue.
I fell in love once,
          but it wasn't true.
      
                    I was alive today,
                          but no one knew.

The road is
Wet and cold
The rain falls down like
Dark tears
The scars of
Your beautiful face
Made me cry
You rest your
Tired head
In my arms
As your frame
Falls still
I lower my head
Close my eyes
I call out
In despair
I am forever
Trapped in this hell
Without you
So listen now
To my love
An undying truth
Fades away in
The rain
I was captive in the dark
Which held me from you
And tantalized my mind
You fell apart
As you saved me
But oh woe
The cost was
Too high
I dug you
A rememberance
Of our past and future
And I simply limp away
And I become engulfed
By the dark shadows
Once again

I forgot to tell you how I feel
My words have vanished
hidden behind my eyes or hidden by my lies
its all the same
I forgot how to feel
lighting, so fast and fierce
shocks, captures me
I don't cry I don't try
its all the same
I forgot how to talk
Walls come closer and closer
anger pulses through my veins
its all the same
Find me, cure me, but I'll never be the girl you used to know