You used to adore me
Then I finally let you in
And now all you see
Are my flaws and insecurities

Is it all in my head
Or did you prove myself right
Is it because of what I said
Or what I did that night

I was so stupid
I was so foolish
I knew I shouldn’t have done it
But couldn’t help and be selfish

All I wanted was to express
And now I’m depressed
Because of the excess
Actions I could’ve accessed

I can be obsessive
But please see my intentions
I was trying to be impressive
But all it caused was tension

This is my flaw, I know
I just wanted to show
All the love that you deserve
But it’s that I couldn’t preserve

Imagine to my surprise when I say.
"You're my soul mate"
"You're my sole date"
"Yet we can't be because of fate"

Imagine to my dismay when he told me.
"She doesn't love right"
"She does't believe in it and so she fights all these emotions with all her might"

Imagine to my chest when,
It heaves
When each breath comes with a tug of pain.
And each beat with a realisation that we cannot be.

I cry.
I scream to the top of my lungs because I know what I want.
"Why doesn't she want me back?"
My soul keeps asking and my spirits keep shaking.
Nodding it's head no!
It doesn't make sense.
Why is the universe so over the fence about us?

Imagine to my soul the pain.
The emotional heart strain.
Truly can I not find and accept love in you?

You're my soul mate.
My one true fate.
So why can I not get closer?
Why must you be so far and so cold to me.

In this epiphany I see no us but I feel all of us.
It shouldn't be like this! If I don't get you at the end of the day.
If our souls cannot merge and become one.
Why must my soul convulse  and be torn from limb to limb.

Imagine my sheer disappointment
When knowing my one true cannot be my only true.

Panda this goes out to you.

I am accepting that the universe has linked us to be two of the same but not enough to be one.
It just affects me mentally knowing that what should be my other half is half of someone that I once was and cannot wholly be forever.

It affects me to notice how we synchronise yet we end up breaking apart.
The complexity behind what we had mistaken for simplicity.
Isn't there just a way for us to restart?

To meet in an alternation whereby our souls remain the same yet allow for the two of us to become one?
A universe that allows this to not end in such a dull dark way?

Can't I get a proper ending with you?
You're the soul mate that could be a star crossed lover.
Yet why haven't and why can I not fully experience us?

Normally all they expect from me is strength. They expect the bravest face with the brightest smile.
But 2019 has been throwing more than just hurdles my way.
2019 has been creating more than a disruption to me.

2019 started out with the biggest amount of hope, finally I was going to face most of my dreams and definitely at long last make sure that I complete them.

But when it came, I got a stab to the heart, losing the one person who I thought would get to see my empire rise.
And I understand that relationships end, I get that we need to let go of toxic behaviors but when she walked away. Everyone that held a special significant place in my heart walked out.

I became overwhelmed with pain to the extent that I became toxic.
I tried to run to someone who I thought would stay there but they just couldn't bear to watch me so fragile and bare, they walked out. Making sure that the remaining components of my heart turned to dust.

My environment grew dark, People started fighting for some form of job security and I took it in me to carry their pain while worrying for myself. I survived, they didn't so while relieve was evident in my face their pain was eating at my soul.

I had other hopes, It'll work out somehow.
But the deeper into the months we get the more drained I get.

I am not okay
2019 is taking a huge toll on me.

Bear with me for a few minutes or throughout majority of the poem.
There’s some writers block with me.
Yet there’s a need deeper than my subconscious to write about you. A wholesome want that needs not be subliminal.

Each word, each syllable drips baring truth.
No seduction, no romance or any other double entendre.
It’s just a need to write, not for you but to write and it happens that you are the subject.

Growth comes with its formality.
Change opens our eyes to reality.
And the whole process either makes or breaks our mentality.
Not really sure whether you’re afloat or being pulled down by gravity.
That’s just the whole nature of being an entity.

Empty, sometimes growth leads to that.
Hollow, a formidable pit that keeps getting deeper.
It drags you but then again what can be done?
You’re just a life seeker.
Trying to get more, to feel more just without the ruckus of pain.

A turmoil,
You roll and roll and spin and wonder why am I moving so much, so fast?
It’s a process.
Never mind feeling confusion.
It’s just an illusion.
Or a way of getting your mind to really look at things.

I hope I didn’t lose you.
Because often in search of truth we get lost.
And no I am no truth but I’ll bring you honesty.

Consequences. No more, no less than the word guilt. We live in it, sometimes take pleasure in it. But primarily grow because that is it’s end game. Growth.

Self awareness.
Look in the mirror and appreciate, not what is outside or inside but what is you. Because growth is that, appreciation of self.

Incomplete. A feeling so deafening, so loud and corrupt. A feeling that can just be so abrupt to your conscious.
And so for that be cautious.

The mind requires freedom and love. Love from yourself and freedom from your negative self.
Only then can you truly feel growth.
And only then can you see yourself past the pain and tribulations.

This poem is not done, but it is complete.