You know that I only wanted to protect you
I swear I didn't’ mean to let this happen to you
I am your mother
And you belong to me
How can you hate your mother?
I birthed  and coddled you
Burped and fed you when you could barely stand for yourself
I changed my whole life for you
I let my body go to carry you
So that  you could live
What does it matter if he hurt you?
I loved you
The least you could’ve done for me was to love him too
I am your mother
You belong to me
Listen to me
it doesn’t matter that I chose him
Because you’ve skipped over me your whole life
And I was  your mother

When I was 130 pounds
I was always jealous of my 90-pound mother
One day I told her I wished she was fat too
Instead of telling me I wasn’t
She said “that’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me”

Apple cider vinegar boosts your metabolism and reduces hunger
I didn’t realize I had an appetite anymore
The feeling of food makes you sick when you can only imagine it coming back up
Spilling word ***** onto nice freshly cleaned carpets
Teeth stained, hospital gowns
I Need some mouthwash
If nobody knows about the problem that means it doesn’t exist right?
If no one can see your face, hallowed then you don’t take up space right?
Wrong, “you’re too fat, you’re too fat” You scream into the mirror
Haunching over the toilet, trying, crying to stand back up but no words come out and your legs won’t move for help
My illness is hard not to hate somedays when your throat is sore from five times of binging and purging today
Six rounds each
Maybe more if you can stomach it
Your nose will smell it and you’ll gag up more
Your mind  is the worst weapon you can use against yourself
Counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for existing
You’re so afraid of taking up space that you will resort to slicing your belly in half in order to achieve inner peace
Baby, it doesn’t work that way
Listen I know that somedays you look to see your pretty skinny friends
And you feel bad about your body and how one of your thighs could barely fit through the head of her skintight t-shirt
But I have been there, I have seen **** you couldn’t even imagine
Girls who want to become bulimic or anorexic, get ready for your teeth to wear down and chip from the acid from below your belly
Rumbling with the force of regret, the food you just ate but didn't want the weight
Get ready for the hole in your throat right next to your tongue down your esophagus
That burned its way coming up as it did down
Get ready to see your mom or your dad walk in to see you on your knees praying to the gods above as below anything over the throne,
Get ready for the disappointment, the extra eyes, get ready for the tears the fears
Why can’t you just eat? The rehab, The relapse
Get ready for hating your body, lack of control
The spiral
Get ready because ana and mia don’t give a **** if you were happy before
Because  they just want to be skinny

Hair tucked neatly behind her ear
She moves in the same direction never straying the path that is mine
Leading to my heart
Swaying to the parts of her I never knew I needed
Beautiful in the way I remember her last
Breath inhaled sharply turn to see her leave
I’m not ready to believe she can be happy without me
But nervous in the same way I can never be free of her presence
Haunting me, her softness
Still teases me
I wonder if she dreams of me
Lips puckered, pink cherry blossom
To the sound of my voice
“Come here”
“Leave”
These words sound the same
Only my twisted mind is to be blamed

My great grandmother was a great beauty
So was my grandmother
And my mother
And my sister
Always the firstborn in the family
Talented women they are
Painters skilled artistry
That I would never be able to fathom
Am I jealous that I am not part of the four generations
Of grace and beauty
Of course
But I guess I’ll just have to deal

Today was rough
All I want is my mom
But not her
Someone loving

It was a long day of hating myself for eating
It was a day filled with crying, trying to throw up
Haunched over the toilet after the smoothie
After dinner
After the countless snacks, I had
Each time retreating to the bathroom
Tired of being empty but afraid of being full
When you caught me getting into the french fries
It was going to be my last snack I swear
My stomach was grumbling and just needed something I swear
I was going to dispose of it as soon as I finished
I took as little as I could so you wouldn't notice
I was craving it and craving it
I put them on my plate so many times today just to empty them back into the bag
And sigh and cry because I gained the last pound back from the big gulps of cold water I downed
Makes me wonder if I should have thrown that up too
I didn't want you to know because I was embarrassed
I shouldn't be eating like that
So much
Wasting so much
But I can't stop being hungry
And no matter how hard I try
I can't seem to not hate myself after I do it
I'm sorry I'm trying to fix it
I just don't know how to stop
I'm trying to not eat so I don't waste anything
But it's hard when you're hungry
And you're mouth waters
You just wonder when normal will be enough
When 1,000 calories won't feel like poison coming in and going out
When you're greedy eyes won't take too much, your stomach can't hold
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I don't know if my trying is enough
But I just can't stop hating myself
Today is hard
I think I threw up my anti-depressant too

Mom
Didn't you know I needed you?
Momma
Don't you know I still need you?

He moves in the same way a cat does on a dark night
Stealthily
Quiet strides match my quicken heartbeats
The nick of his *******
Curled around soft skin
Nothing ever feels the same after the moment is done
And you’ve gone home
Your girls tell you he will regret every moment he spent without you
Terrified that your love has a warranty
Standards shot straight to the moon
Because that’s what scares him in the night
Not the fact that you will leave
But that you can be happy without him
If he cannot keep you wound tightly about his fingers
Counting every time he looks back at you
To make sure you still notice what he is doing
What kind of woman does that make you if you never look?
What kind of a man does that make him if he always has to show you?
Maybe, in the end, it doesn’t have to be a hot and heavy relationship
Googly eyed, puppy dog love
But maybe if this is normal
What we're doing right now
Then we can both turn our backs and leave

Momma
This ones for you
I remember you when you were young, late twenties
Blonde hair
Reckless but loving
I thought of you
At least
I’ve written about you so much
But mostly the bad
I hope you don’t mind
But this is about how wonderful my life could've been when you were in my world
You can tell everybody
So maybe they’ll stop talking so badly
Some of it you deserve
But I’ll always love you
And I’ll always remember the good momma
You could’ve been

I don’t need others to like me
As long as I like myself
That’s all
Right?

I’m so dumb

Sererinpidity
I’m so dumb
Why am I happy all of a sudden
Repeat
I don’t need
Anyone
I like myself
Self-love
That’s what I need

Bleach blonde
Bikini body
Red stained knuckles
Reaching for something healthy
Unattainable
Teeth mark scars
Take something from me that I don’t have
One more crunch
One less rice cake
Don’t listen to the tsunami upstairs
It’ll fill your head with a million reasons
To give yourself up
Reach down your throat to your belly
To become the girl you hate more than ever
Spraying perfume on bottle cap wrists
Twisted at an angle for your fifth body check picture today
Beauty is the only thing I wanted
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there

Dry heaving your sorrows
Past flooded gates of stress
Teary eyes and your runny nose
Won’t make those problems go away
Receive the truth
Speak only lies
Hush your own ****** fluid
Until it can be mistaken for silence
Relapse
A quiet lullaby
Of hungered dreams
That only makes me seem smaller
Problems, so many problems
You have one more to overcome

You hold bones just to break them
You saw me drowning in a shallow kitty pool
The one that you filled up
With  years of little nitpicks about my body
And my own self worth
You acted surprised when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer
My bones weren't strong enough to handle your snaps
Weak from the lack of calcium
From the lack of food in general
Why didn’t you say anything the first time you heard the tsunami coming from the upstairs bathroom?
When my tears could fill an entire mason jar you bought for the sole purpose of drinking your morning coffee
Why didn’t you tell me I was wrong?
I was 115 pounds and thought I was too big
Maybe you did too
Is that Why didn’t you say anything?

People say your first love is your mother
Swaying in the arms of a person who will always care
Always be there
What happens when neither of your parents wants you?
Does that mean that no one will?
You’ll be alone forever
Unlovable
Untouchable
Without your mother’s warm embrace
What will keep your heart cozy in the winter
With fuzzy pink socks and laughter
Looking into the window of a family better than yours
Shivering from the cold
Barefoot, scared. ribs
Momma, please love me again like you did when I was a baby
Before I could disappoint you

You might be sleeping
I’m unsure
Always confused
About you
In the morning
Sleeping until noon
After
Sunset, rise
Burnt orange
No that’s not pretty
Peach
And lilac and pink
The colors I see behind your eyes
Point is
You’re here
I’m here
Let’s make the most of it

Hey November
Raise your sleepy eyes
Tell me what you remember
When you first took a stand
Why were you scared?
I thought you could do anything
What’s so hard about telling the truth
It’s the only thing that can save you
Hey November
What happened to the pretty smile
Did the glare from outside eyes ***** you?
They didn’t see what you did
I’m glad you finally found your voice
Even if it took years
Hey November
Why do you do the things you do?
The things that harm you
Who makes you do these things?
He’s long gone now
He can’t coax the small child out of a growing woman anymore
Hey November
Please stop doing these things
They affect me more than you know
Make me feel inferior
Crazy
I’m not crazy
Hey November
Cry
It’s gonna be okay
Eventually
Sincerely future me

Forbidden Forrest
The one you always go back to in your nightmares
Trees hiding the view from people who would protect you

A false remembrance of trust
“You must trust me” He commands
Commend me to stand
Lean on Him for the strength I was too weak to have
He says
“I am your protector”
Trust
I don’t remember it that way

Daylight frees the quiet soul from slumber of forgotten memories
Dreams of pink, sweet lilac streams
Of calm water
Cherry wine
Summertime
Back home in the Forrest that kept you for so long
Rock banks, soft breathing
Relaxed for a while
Happy for some time
You grew out of girlhood here
Woman not yet
Learning, yes
Remembering, maybe

Momma called me fat
Maybe if I stop eating
She’ll be the one who’s bigger

Plastic tears
Manufactured mother, never the perfect trophy wife
Sometimes I could almost feel your pain
His rough voice creates echos into our empty home
Shock waves through your fragile heart
I wonder why you stay
Nothing was ever good enough unless it was him
Maybe it’s my fault for not pulling you to the surface sooner
Drowning in your own pool of self regret and heartache
You lie like no one is watching
Mother, I’m sorry to tell you but everyone is watching you now
Silicone, plastic wrap heart
You only unravel to show him
I still have dreams about you
But I don’t know if you’re capable of loving me back

Running around with a guy twice your age
Practically
I bet you feel really brave
He’s so cute though you say
Mature, sure
Fifteen and twenty
Not that bad
Five years is plenty

Gunshot
Raining knives
All the ways to hurt yourself with one letter
You’re not even real
I mean
How can the person staring back at you with the dead eyes possibly have any soul left to save?
Dangerous, honey you’ve reached your peak
High as a **** kite
Ready to take flight into the nightosphere
You’re poison like ketamine
Flame burning like gasoline
Baby stop, before you hurt yourself
You know everyone is waiting to see that

I’d cut my hair
If I knew it wasn’t you
Who liked it
So long
Flowing down my back
Break free
Snip
Maybe I’ll do it anyway

Velvet lip palette
She paints her lips
We all know what goes on inside
That pretty little mind
She slits her wrists with the same hand she wings her eyeliner with

Demons still haunt me behind my eyes
Ghost of my past coming back to lurk in my wakening days
Witching hour
Three am
We don’t have to die so soon
At least wait until afternoon

I could’ve destroyed him
But I didn’t
Lucky him

Sometimes I wonder what I did
If I had never stood up for myself would I still have her?
I can’t think like that
No one deserves to live like that

I hope to God that she was doing her best
But her best just wasn’t good enough
It’s sad to say, but deep in my heart I want to say she tried
When she tucked us into bed and made dinner even when she was tired
I want to know that she loved me even on the darkest of days in her own way
Even though she chose him over me

She didn’t recognize her own daughter’s voice
How sane can she be?
If she chose him over me
Sometimes I wonder if she ever loved me
Does she still think of me?

In this moment I love you
It doesn’t matter what I don’t know about you
But everything about you fits so perfectly
In this moment
In my world where nothing ever goes right
Except when it does
In this moment
My heart is yours
This time
Am I stupid?
I am in love with you
Right now

Sometimes I wonder if I ever  knew my mother at all
Growing up I thought I knew her better than anyone
I was naive, I thought she loved me
No strings attached, even with my flaws
Which there were many
She seemed so loving in my earliest childhood years
Soothing my ever constant fears of being alone
It was hard growing up alone, with her
When she was there, then suddenly she  disappeared
Never to be the same mother, I had come to know
The weak fragile mother who needed me to comfort her
Sit with her while she drank her morning coffee
Who soaped my crazy hair as a baby in the kitchen sink
She was a mother, the only one I had ever known
Who became distant and uncaring when I began to mature
“He didn’t do that to you”
“I don’t believe you?’
“Why would he touch you?”
He was her husband
Her love
Mine wasn’t good enough
Remembering the woman I thought I knew is one of the hardest things I will have to do
Especially when she was the one person I was supposed to look up to
To be like her
Painless, unfeeling
Bury it deep so you never feel it
Ignore the problems and they’ll go away
No
That’s Her
Not me

No
I was scared
She doesn’t get the right to say that when all she didn’t do anything
Scared, She didn’t know what our fear was like
Growing up in silence
Evergreen hiding the worlds view from what was really going on
Sunk back in her lawn chair while we got beat
Silence was our worst enemy
The worst memory of her
No one would have heard us anyway
Trapped deep in a wildwood of tears and heartache
But you, Momma you could never see
Never hear our screams
You never heard me crying on the bathroom floor the day I attempted suicide
Fifteen years old
What were doing when you were my age, Momma?
Were you going to the mall, and driving around with your friends?
I bet you weren't being molested by your mother’s husband, were you?
You have no idea how scared, my sister and I were
Because the bottom line is, we got it worse than you did
And you never tried to help
Even though we were children
Your children
You heard our screams and ignored us
So you can throw as many pity parties as you want Momma
No one will hear you
Now that you’re alone

Every year I forget how much I hate fireworks
The pop and bang, blinking as fast as I can
Like closing my eyes will make the sound go away
It won’t you know that fact too well
No one has ever been able to figure out why you hate loud noises so much
You were never in the military
You’ve never been around bombs
Just the explosion that was your childhood
Every word, every screamed silence you made into your pillow when no sound came out
Every slap of ice stained teeth gritting against the broken promises spewn
Pounding marble countertops so hard you thought you would fall down
Every “I Hate you”
“Don't leave me”
When you just wanted them to breakup
Even though you should have never been involved
Because you were a child and children should never play with the deadly match of a distinguished marriage
No child should ever have to worry about that because it’s out of their mind capacity
They don’t know when too much is time to stop
When the fuse might burn their hands
If they’re not careful
No-one stopped to take care of the bleeding wound that resulted
Your pain wasn't as relative as theirs
An ongoing struggle in the battle of “I'm right, you're wrong”
Let’s work this out
Go away
That fire can burn a hole through your heart if you let it
Good thing mine is completely cold

Momma, let me see your teeth
All I’ve seen is your frown
Did he turn your world upsidedown
He told you he would change everything
That you’d never be scared or sad again
Is that why he’s the only one who gets to see you happy?
Is that why you rather spend a lifetime with him than a moment with me?
Because you’re shackled to him, with the love you thought would set you free
He was right about one thing, everything did change
You’re not my momma anymore
You don’t care that my heart is broken
You give me reasons to cry
We said our goodbyes in a courtroom
Everyone said you looked like a battered women
But I couldn’t see that staring at you sitting next to his family
The same family who never accepted you
You were scared of him, I know Momma
But did you ever stop to think of how scared I was?
I was a little girl and I trusted him
He took advantage of me right under your nose
And you believed him when I finally told you
Sometimes I wonder what I did for you not to love me anymore
What happened to the Momma who needed me?
Who tucked me into bed and read me stories
Dressed up on Halloween just to surprise me
She’s gone, so is her smile
At least for me

Hating yourself isn’t poetry
The title of a playlist with indie pop music says
If that’s true then I’m not a poet
These aren't poems but declarations of my demise
I have never written anything truly special
Just my feelings, I wish I was special
Writing something that doesn’t start with the word I
I don’t want to be like this anymore
What’s wrong with me?
Why does everyone leave
Feelings are old
Frosted over, delayed
Am I a real poet?
Or do I just market off of my pain
Do I trap people in a pool of pity
With my rhyming diary entries
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it
If it’s helping
I hope it is

Am I crazy?
Why do I feel like this
Everyday

I could write a song about all the syrupy soft words that poured down each boy’s chin
I could write a novel about every time I believed them and wanted them
Daydreamed about what it’d be like, me and him
Cried about how no one ever wants me
When they take back the affection I so desperately craved
It’s okay I guess I’m just crazy
Overzealous, jealous
Wanting things I’ll never have
When the first man who ever left me
Was my daddy
But that doesn’t matter
Hasn't bothered me
Anymore...
I’m just too much I guess
For everybody

I act like the only bad thing that’s happened to me
Is not having anybody
To date
What’s wrong with me
Seriously

At least I didn’t write a poem about him..

These poems are about me not you
About the pieces, I've given away
Not about what you've done to them

My sister is one year old
She has our mother
And a father separate from mine
Caos, screaming, and violence
My mother leaves
My sister is four years old
Our mother takes her to the mall
To get orange Julius
They have a tiny kitty pool
In the backyard
Of our mother’s small townhouse
My sister is six years old
Our mother gets married  
To a man who would later die
Taking nothing but horrible memories with him
My sister is seven years old
I am born and she loves me
She holds me in her small arms
And knows that she has to protect me
Because if she doesn’t no one else will
If she doesn’t love me more than our mother does
Then I will never truly know kindness and love
That I would never have known how it feels to be held and loved with the force that no mother could give
My sister is twelve years old
My father dies
Not much else to say
Tragedy follows suit
Our mother spirals out of control
My strong sister takes again the role of a parent
To both my mother and I
Who thought she could take care of herself
My sister is fourteen years old
My mother remarries
To a man, she barely knows
Who screams and throws things
Who made us feel less because we stood our ground
My sister is sixteen
She is suicidal and feels there's nothing else to live for
Except for me
My sister is seventeen
She leaves to prepare her life for me
My sister is twenty-three
She accepts me into her home
When I am fifteen
And we have never been so happy

I used to think of myself as broken glass
So breakable and fragile who couldn’t handle being dropped
A girl balancing on the edge of okay
If I had hurt myself or someone hurt me
I would pick up the pieces
But cut myself again on the sharp edges
No boy could ever love me enough
When I thought that them loving me is the only way I’d feel completely totally enough
Not too much
Lord knows I was already too much space to waste on a self when you could have much prettier dainty things
truly perfect and imperfect but in the most magical ways
Like girls in movies
Quirky but also crazy
Beautiful and they love themselves
Because there's nothing not to love
I’m realizing now that I’m not breakable
That I can’t just be tossed away and thrown to the side
I have spirit
And that can never be cracked
With everyone who has ever loved me
Or stopped loving me, or never loved me
It will only start to matter when I love me
When I am perfect to me
And my quirks are only part of the package
Not wrapped for someone else
But for me
I’m the one who has to live in this body, in this mind
I can handle having a couple of scratches and fogged glass
But I am not broken

I am a girl with a lot of problems
His attorney tells the court
I am a whirlwind of poor coping skills
Used to deal with the trauma he may or may not have caused
I know I’m immature
I can’t help it, I’ve never thought any other way
I don’t know-how
To be different than I am now
I leave bruises on my own arms from biting myself when I’m angry
I know it’s not a good way to calm myself
But it’s the only thing I’ve come to find that helps
You know I may or may not be everything or nothing that has been said in that courtroom
That heaven smiled upon me when they chose to lock him away
My truth stood ground
But my world shattered
Every year I grow dumber
My mental health never inclines
And now I’m wondering if that is all his fault
Or is it mine?

When I’m sad all I think about is you
Sometimes I wish you were dead or I just wasn’t born to you
Because you told me you loved me so many times
And it wasn’t true
I trusted you to help me, I needed you to save me more than anyone in the world
But you abandoned me for him
You choose him over me
And that **** still messes with me
I can’t stop thinking about him touching me
And how even when you heard my story
You still wanted to be with him
It didn’t even phase you
When I was a cutter
And I begged you day and night to make me a doctors appointment
But you were too embarrassed to say anything
I screamed at you saying I’d end up killing myself if you didn’t do anything
Until I decided to overdose and you called your husband first to tell him I did this all because of a boy
A boy? You honestly thought I’d **** myself over a ******* boy? I tried to **** myself because your husband who knew me since I was seven, who was supposed to protect me
Was always touching my ***** and asking me to undress in front of him
And many more things you know happened but refused to admit
You knew before I told you but you didn’t care
And you stuck me in a psych ward for 9 days and didn’t even visit me once
You let your husband who molested me since I was 10 tell me that there’d be people who would try to cut me and hurt me
How it’d be the worst day of my life like I wasn’t scared enough
You didn’t let me talk to the one person who understood me because you were insecure that I loved her more than you
You were right I’ve always loved her more than you
Always
I don’t care that you don’t love me
Sure it’d be nice but I have enough
Even though that when I’m not on my meds or I’m sad I think of you
I don’t love you
I don’t want you
I shouldn’t want anything to do with you
I want a mom
I want my biological mom
But not you
The person you were supposed to be
The one who loved me
Not the one who lied to me
Not the one who didn’t believe me
The one I could laugh with
The one who said she’d do anything to protect me
But I guess those were all lies too, huh?