My biggest fear is to lose the one friend who cared more after I moved, rather than all the people who cared in convenience.

I remember all of the things you done for me, to bide my rupturing soul.
I used to think you were sealant.
But I feel myself crumbling to my feet.

And if we don't talk by two weeks time, I promise I will never depend on a single person or thing as I did you.
You tricked my subconscious to trust and put a meaning to forever.



Of all people I thought you would understand a drunken mistake.
This I had a right to say.

I've yet to meet another human such as yourself,
All other that I came to love at some point in time came a dime a dozen. I knew it then, I know it now.

But those days where you held my hand sparks did not fly, no. Tectonic plates crashed within my veins, sending quakes straight into my aorta and stopped my heart until the day you kissed my nose, my innards grew from bone, skin, muscle. To bark, leaves, and flowers.
Not only did you revitalize the heart you stopped but made it something so much more beautiful, a bleeding heart, just like the ones that grew outside my window when I was little.

And when I learned the kind of person you chose over me after months of gentle sun and careful watering I felt my lungs collapse and all I want to do with these useless sacks is drown them with rocks and try to relive the rumbling you once put in them with the smallest of gestures that obviously meant so much more than meant, because to sleep at night I need to tell myself my love for you is a **** and will consume all if gone unrequited. But when our skin touches or when my eyes meet the gleaming grin of such a work of art I feel a black hole in my chest for this desire will swallow up my stars and I want to never love again because you are the end game, my end game.

A dear friend once told me my love flows like a windmill.
Another that I have an old-timey love.

And to myself I have a fool's love.

Because when you loved, no matter what you saw a goddess.
When you loved, you showered them in affection and gave them all your time.

And called it modern love, for being a monotheistic prayer.

This is a dangerous love to give, when you needed a breath from all from all those hail mary's & asked for a little in return, that's when it starts.

Like a spoiled child with a god complex they react with distance, or abuse, or leaving. It didn't matter, Because I deserve so much more



So I say to myself drop that old-timey love & treat your lover a god and yourself a deity. Time to go polytheistic.

You were a beautiful, late 70's Firebird. Charging through life with the power of 100 horses, easily going 40 over the limit from day one.
During the summer I became a stormy night, The ditch that caught you when he turned into an oil slick. I got to hold you for some time.
She is your tow truck, arriving just as you started to welcome me as a home.

All the while, since the day I met you. You became a shelter for the storm that has been brewing for years.
Now you are gone & let me tell you something darling, It's ******* hurricane season, and I'm just a lighting rod, all I feel is the lighting ripping my chest apart more and more with every strike.

I might as well be one of your father's burger wrappers because you threw me out with a slight sense of disgust and ease.

1.)
8/12/14 11:48 Pm

Breath in the smell

The smell of your smoking wrist

Burnt with the last razor not stained with blood

Smoke the demons out of the red blood cells

As if you lost the white in the sea of your own tears

2.)
8/14/14 4:59 Pm

I might as well been on the Great Wall of China 

As you pushed me away

Because I’ve never fallen so hard, so fast

And I feel dead

3.)
8/14/14 6:23 Pm

I begged, I kept begging.

For what?

I have forgotten what I wanted. 

I’m ashamed of crying.
Not for the tears

But the bruises left not by anyone
but myself.

I can point you to self afflicted scars

I can point you to the burns left inside my throat by a numbing agent Aka *****. 

I can show you the way my fist curls when I beat the pain out. 

I’ll show you how ****** I am, eventually.

4.)
8/14/14 7:15 Pm

A sharpened knife & a pitch black room

Such a lovely couple

Just light a candle & watch in the dim flickering light as they make red passionate love.

It’s hard to miss, you can taste it in the air. 

It’s almost like a bullet in the mouth ready to be unloaded.
Addendum, plot-twist; the passionate love is my blood.

You are the gravity that keeps me on earth
But yet your eyes could contain the cosmos
You gave me tapeworm by the curls in your hair
I have a ****** singing voice but we could make a pretty sweet tune.
My dreams are always black and forgotten
I now wonder if I open my eyes while at rest if I'll see your lips covered in lipstick
Your first name is short of a few syllables
You deserve to be graced with a name that requires remembrance since everything about you is unforgettable

My Achilles heel is my heart, My body is made of strong, lean muscles.
Not a single broken bone.
Only a broken heart, 5 times over.
My love has never been matched, everything feels half-assed.

So drink that wine & smoke your 100's.
I'll sip this ***** & breathe the smoke that eludes you, maybe *** a drag or two.
Because you burned the bridge I was too scared to cross. It appears for good reason.

You taught me to branch my love out,
To expand my mind.
But my love always sourced back to you.
Until you became the reason I need ***** and Tequila
To stop my heart imploding at 12:45 AM every night.

When I walk I feel the earth quake & tremble beneath me.
Or I feel the vibrations caused by all living matter, & I'm scared knowing a single raindrop could drown me.
Or I'm so happy that I feel the rhythm of every individual molecule that makes up all that I am.

So please help me steady my heart, because I need a way out of this ride.
And I'll get it one way or another.

Images of black hair fills my mind as I poor a glass

You spoke in monotone as you said "sorry" as if your neck was numb.

So tonight I'm numbing the need for you with a shot

My hoddie smells of you so I'll take another

This taste like nail polish. Guess I'll take some more

Nothing is happening. Your lips are still a stain upon mine. Guess Ill take two

Remember the times I made you *** with your pants still on? I can't forget. You said you loved me afterwards

I feel alone, I thought you were here, so maybe I'll take 2 or 3

Why did you leave me? I never held back I gave you everything, every bit of me

Don't you try to take me back. As I remember you throw out broken things.

I used to see more than the cosmos in you, your eyes held them.
Your lips a forest I could spend my whole life exploring & die still not having enough.
Your hands roots of a rose bush seeping into my chest & to my heart.
Sharing your nutrients to help me grow,
Your mind the greatest unwritten poem, the greatest work of art that'll never be exhibited in an art gallery, even if it were to be put into one your dying wish would that it be sent to a public gallery that didn't charge because you hate capitalism.

But now you are a great big ball of old flame, high and mighty in the sky.
There's a huge distance between the two of us but I can still feel your warmth radiating from you & the dark when you are away. But you are the sun, staring or thinking of you hurts my eyes & the pain shoots to my head and throughout my body.

The time I spent trying to win your heart is the equivalent of the time a pregnant person would take to give birth to a premature baby.
And the time I've had these feelings is the time it would take such baby to learn how to walk.

So I hope she loves your floral dresses & the way your poetry echoes in the fullest of rooms. But most of all I hope she loves you.

Because you acted like all those who came before you were ******* , but only knew my side of the story, and from my side of the story you hurt just as much as the black haired girl who got me into drinking after she broke my heart.

Of course you meant more to me, then I did you.

When I thought we were close as could be, when all I could think of was the one last thing I needed to build the courage to kiss you, all the while you were becoming acquainted with anothers.

If it's all the same please don't sing her the same love songs, give me that much.

How could you of chosen her to tend to your lips & to take your love

When I'm the one you call sobbing out of fear of a place that condemns the love you give her, 30 minutes doesnt matter then, huh?