My daughter came home sunday
And pronounced as loud as hell
I got married on vacation
And there's plenty here to tell
From now on it's a new thing
At Christmas, here's the test
Before we eat our dinner
By a rabbi, it is blessed
Her mother, not the sharpest
Thought a bit, and with a grin
Said, if we sit down with a rabbi
Would he truly , well...fit in?
My daughter said, well Mama
The man that I just wed
Is jewish so I'm changing
I felt a pounding in my head
From now on a menorah
Would be needed in the house
My wife said, no more pets here
Your brother has a mouse
My daughter said, no mama
It's a special, holy thing
Where you light up eight blessed candles
And enjoy the holiness they bring
My wife, said, Oh I knew that
I was testing, that was all
I'll put one on my shopping list
I'll go and buy one at the mall
My daughter then continued
there's other changes that will come
I just stood there, headache pounding
I was feeling deaf and dumb
The Christmas Tree will have to go
No turkey, kosher food
No crackers or old stockings
They may think of these as rude
At this point I exploded
No Christmas Tree, no way
Little girl, this is my house, my dear
Now, listen as I say
The tree will be as always
In the corner by the fire
the stocking hung with tender care
With nails and picture wire
The turkey will be 20 pounds
At least, stuffed full of bread
Kosher food, if served here
Will be only if I'm dead
Christmas is my holiday
It's in my house, where I am boss
And I say we have a turkey
And pray to Jesus on the Cross
A Kosher Kristmas in this house
May never come to pass
We can celebrate at your new home
Got it straight, my little lass
In my house I'm the ruler
So don't come in with something new
In my house we are Christian
And we celebrate a jew
We will welcome your new husband
To our home at Christmas time
But, while you're in this dwelling
The rules in force are mine
If you want a Kosher Kristmas
I think it is a good idea
If you celebrate together
But you do no do it here....
Life is made of moments
Some might be just a blip
But the whole sum of these moments
Make living life a trip
The big things rule
So some would say
But, not me, oh not me
It's the blips and all the little things
The things I want to see
I need all of the little things
To make my day seem right
I need to hear a snoring sound
When I turn out the light
Having kids is bigger stuff
Than I can list on here
It's little things that I will miss
When my loved one is not near
Like now, I miss the little things
That were part of my routine
With Titan gone and just us two
There's always more poutine
We order less when we go out
there's no one waiting at the stairs
It's nothing but, a little thing
That we miss now he's not there
A simple touch, a friendly word
An irritant at times
But, in life I miss the little things
They make life's mountain worth the climb
Missing friends, their silly jokes
You've heard a hundred times or more
These are just the little things
That I am waiting for
I miss them all, these little things
No matter , just how small
They make my life a treasure
And you know I miss them all
A word, a song, a photograph
A memory it brings
I think of all the larger stuff
But, I miss the little things....
A gentle giant lay his head
Down for one last sleep
He looked at me as if to say
You did your best, don't weep
You shared your life and love with me
You saved me, gave me life
Now, it's time for you to love again
With mum, my mum, your wife
I will run and play, we'll meet again
By the rainbow bridge I'll wait
I'll be there, when it's your time
Don't forget me, don't be late
It's time for you to let me go
It's best for all concerned
Keep me close and don't forget
What I taught, and what you learned
Love is unconditional
Love is also free
I will watch for you from here
If you will watch for me
He looked again, and laid his head
No more needles little man
Now close your eyes, and go to sleep
We will see you when we can
Through you we both are better
Stronger than before you came
We will not forget your smile
And on our hearts is burned your name
In the backroads there's a legend
By the old black hanging tree
That this is the old crossroads
Where the devil comes to me
There's nothing near, it's barren
But the tree and an old rope
It is dark, and bleak and distant
And all devoid of hope
Is this the famous crossroads
where the devil makes a deal
It depends on what you're willing
To trade and get his seal
There is a tale of Johnny
Who played and won his bet
He beat the Devil at his game
But, the Devil does not fret
For every Johnny that is lost
A million more are signed
Just look around the world and see
They just so easy for to find
The pious and believers
Pass the tree and it's ok
But, the souls who wish to trade up
Feel a reason for to stay
The Devil hears their pleas
And he comes up to their side
He brings along the contract
And then he takes them for a ride
Deals are made for money
and deals are made for fame
It doesn't matter to the Devil
He's the ruler of the game
You'll get your wish regardless
In trade he gets your soul
The only thing you need to know
Is that you are no longer whole
A contract is a contract
And redemption sets you free
But, to doublecross the devil
Isn't easy as you'll see
Johnny beat him fairly
And the Devil said that he
Will come and grab a million more
By the dark, black, hanging tree.
to new worlds
to places never seen
who knows where we
will say that we have been
And meet the folks
Who live deep in my brain
and take a ride
On an old time Christmas Train
and see the street
have a laugh along the way
Enjoy the ride
Where shall we go today?
Places I create
please be on time
You don't want to be late
I'll do my best
To be a nice and polite host
And who knows
You'll meet "My Holy Ghost"
deep in my mind
But be careful where you tread
And have some fun
With the worlds inside my head
Stores were being heldup
The crime wave was big news
The culprit showed up naked
Wearing a smile and some shoes
No one would be able
To identify the crook
No one saw her face to well
They really never looked
The cops kept working on it
They chased down every lead
But none of them were helpful
Giving evidence they'd need
All they knew,....a woman
would come in and she'd flash
Her boobs at the man working
And she'd make off with the cash
Fourteen stores and stations
Were hit by this bold wench
But without her even knowing
Her plan had a small wrench
I take you to the latest store
Where the police have come to see
Why the woman ran without the cash
Let's listen in...shall we?
"we heard sir, that you've cracked our case"
"you're the first person to see her face"
"Of courth I did you silly goose"
He held out his hand "just call me Bruce'
"She shouldn't be too hard to find"
"If there's one thing I know, it's a bare behind"
"You see, when she found I was gay"
"That's when she turned and ran away"
"She won't get too far on those heels"
"She left on foot, she had no wheels"
The questions then came fast and quick
All answered, smoothly...and real slick
"First, I noticed that her shoes"
"Were cheap, bad knock off Jimmy Choos"
"The lining of her coat was stained"
"And her hair colour, not much remained"
"She had a note pinned to her breasts"
"I didn't care, you might have guessed"
"She held a bag, said fill it up"
"I'd say she was a full D cup"
"I told her I don't think so dear"
"I think that gave away I'm queer"
"I mean, no earrings or a matching purse"
"Some style please....but, I've seen worse"
"She should not be too far away"
"Her shoes aren't runners, they're made to play"
"Blond hair, bad roots, ends were frizzy too"
"Fingernails all badly done, a rotten shade of blue"
"I hope I have helped you boys"
"Are those cuffs real?...I like your toys"
The cops put out an APB
To catch this woman on the loose
You see they never want to
Go back and talk to Bruce
So, if you want to rob a store
Now, listen for this.....wait...
Make sure the man who's working there
Is sure as shooting...STRAIGHT~~~
Down in the bayou where the mangroves grow
There's talk of black voodoo, like Marie Leveau
The Swamp Witch, is legend, she has magic so black
That those who have seen her, have never come back
There;s tales of the noises that come from the dark
Of werewolves and zombies as rough as the bark
The mangroves are sentinels, to where the magic resides
Where even a longboat has no room to glide
Bodies go missing from the graveyards most nights
And there's always a fog shading the fireflies lights
The Swamp Witch is ruler and Queen of this world
Where souls are all taken and spines can be curled
They say that she came here from Canadian lands
She was a metis they say, from the Western Tar Sands
A mystic by nature, a dark witch by blood
She lives deep in the swamp, protected by gators and mud
The gators respect her, they do as she bids
They keep watch on the waters, they're her reptillian kids
She keeps zombies as gendarmes, collecting bodies to turn
Just how black is her magic, no one can discern
The Swamp Witch is legend, she is as old as all time
The air in the bayou is as thick as the slime
The cajuns say voodoo is the core of her heart
They avoid fishing where the mangrove trees start
The Swamp Witch, a legend ? or is she truly the Queen
She's the Louisiana Witch, no one survives once she's seen.....
I went back to the doctor
And I swear, this is no fib
He told me that the line I found
Was ...get this...yes..a rib!!!
I told him, doc, you're crazy
I've not seen one in years
Except for ones I eat in bars
And wash down with ten beers
He said, "Well, Mr. Turner"
"That's a rib...as sure as shit"
He said "you must be losing weight"
"and you've uncovered it"
"I've been a doctor for a long, long time"
"and believe me when I say"
"I've seen a lot of ribs my boy"
"And I'm seeing one today"
I asked him "will I soon get abs?"
He told me "that will come in time"
"Don't put the cart before the horse"
"That sir, is a crime"
"You've found a rib, you're doing well"
"Your bloodwork came back good"
"Cholesterol is way way down"
"It's showing what it should"
I said "I can't believe it"
"good blood and ribs as well"
"I've got to get on facebook"
"I've lot's of folks to tell"
I then went on to tell him
I could see below my lap
He said "it's not your penis"
"It's just a dried up ,old , skin flap"
"Take your time and you'll get healthy"
"You've more ribs to go and get"
"You're doing much, much, better"
"But, your'e still not healthy...yet"
I said "there's something wiggling"
"When I look down, past my nose"
He said, "you won't believe me..."
"But, I think you see your toes"
I couldn't take the good news
I almost fainted dead away
Good blood, a rib, and now my toes
This was a special day
The best part of this visit
The most important news
Is that because I see that skin flap
I'm no longer peeing on my shoes!!
You know the day I died
I never ventured far from home
I never performed miracles
I never went to Rome
You know me through the stories
The disciples told my tale
I am surprised that I am famous
But at one thing I did fail
I don't think that I am holy
By some, but I am known
By different names by different groups
This, history has shown
You know me from the bible
Yes, I died upon the cross
But, when asked just what my real name is
Then most are at a loss
I was crucified, a true fact
My beliefs cost me my life
I died there in the sunshine
My story filled with strife
I know you think you know me
But, do you really know
That at my crucifixion
I was the first one in the row
Like I said, I am as famous
As the middle one who died
I knew you would not guess me
No matter how you tried
My name, it is Saint Dismas
I am the thief just to the right
Jesus Christ was in the middle
He was full of heaven's light
I am known in all the stories
Like I told you once before
I'm known as the good thief
I am known in all the lore
I died the same as Jesus
I died the same as he
Luke called me Saint Dismas
Now you will remember me
I sat down to a puzzle
When my dog came for a nuzzle
And I gave a small scratch behind the ears
I moved on to the telly
And he lay down on my belly
And we both fell fast asleep after two beers
It seems while I was dreaming
That I heard somebody screaming
It was just an advert on tv
The dog got down real quickly
I thought he might be sickly
It turns out that he only had to pee
I went back to watch footy
And then some "sweep and sooty"
Then the wife came in and asked me where's the dog
I said he's out the back dear
All is fine, no need to fret dear
"Then why is he there chewing on a frog?"
I said I knew no reason
I didn't know frogs were in season
And I went outside to go wash out his mouth
He didn't like the feeling
In fact he was reaching for the ceiling
And that is just the time that things went south
He chose right then to vomit
It came up just like a comet
The beer, a bone, and two thirds of a frog
I knew that he felt better
My dumb old Irish setter
This is just a day of living with a dog
Power went down twice today
Once was just a flicker
In fact in terms of laughter
I would call that one a snicker
The second time we lost it all
The house went cold and dark
So, I got the dogs both on a leash
And I took them to the park
Five hours passed before they came
And said "The power's back"
It was just then I started to
Have an I.T heart attack
I'm not one for computers
The phone, or tablet too
They had gone down with the internet
And I knew not what to do
Each electronic item
That resides inside this place
Defaults to needing passwords
And well, me...I'm so off base
I couldn't watch the tv
The computer screen just stared
It kept asking for a password
and I admit, I was a bit scared
I didn't phone my spouse to tell him
That I didn't have a clue
I'd wait for my young daughter
She'd know just what to do
In our house things are different
We never phone up a help line
Our kids reset the passwords
And our kids are eight and nine
They'll fix what I can't restart
They'll get me back on the tv
And the best things with this I.T team
Is that all their help is free.
Uncle Mike was heading south
To Jamaica he would head
With the amount of hair that poor Mike had
He could only have one dread
A conference for his workplace
A nice resort and lots of sun
Mike was set to go an party
He would work and have some fun
But if you've read my other poems
Mike is not ...well, tuned in
You see his trip was almost over
Before it even did begin
The day that he was leaving
Mike was notified by mail
He needed a new photograph
For his ID card....no fail!!!!
He was already at his hotel
When the notice came to say
You must send us a photo
Or you can't come here to play
He bought himself a camera
A poloraid and then
He tried to take a picture in his room
A true multitasker among men
He put the camera on the hutch
Bent a hanger down to length
And then he tried to push the button
but, the hanger didn't have the strength
He knocked the camera all about
Taking pictures of the walls,
One picture of the tv set
And four photos of his balls
This would be a no go
He had to ask someone instead
How do you ask a stranger
Take my photo on my bed?
He made the plane to Kingston
Found the hotel, settled in
Now, Mike was in Jamaica
And the real fun would begin
Jim McDonnagh pulled his 2011 Ford Escape into his driveway, glancing over at his six year old son, who was sitting at the end of the drive. Angus McDonnagh, all of six years old, and ginger haired was waving at his dad, from a kitchen chair, set behind a card table. On the table was a sign and a box. Of course, from the angle Jim was at in the car, he couldn't see what was on the white board hanging in front of the table. Angus waved again, and turned back to the road.
Jim, entered the large four bedroom bungalow from the side door, looking back at Angus one more time. Angus, was sitting, watching the cars drift by on the road in front. Carol McDonnagh, Jim's wife of nine years was at the front window watching out over Angus and his table. Jim came up behind her, and asked "What's himself doing out there at the table then?"
"I think you'd best go ask him yourself" said Carol. She had a slight smile on her face.
"No, what's up with him then....why the lemonade stand at the end of the driveway?".
"It's not a lemonade stand...did you see any lemonade out there?"
"Come to think of it, no I didn't...just wee Angus, and a box"..."What's in the box?"
"Go and talk to your son"..."He'll let you know...and oh, we've a long distance call to Belgium going to be on the next bill".
"OK....I'll....who do we know in Belgium?"
"Questions, questions...go and talk to your son"
Jim, went out the front door of the house, past Angus's bike in the walkway, where he always left it, and where Jim always told him not to leave it. Angus turned to see who was coming and then turned back to the road.
"Hey son, what's up?" said Jim. "Your mum said I should ask you what you're doing out here".
"Nothing Dad, just practicing...that's all", and he turned back to the road.
"Just practicing..cool, ok I asked"....and Jim started away, turned on his heel and asked "Do you mind if I ask ...for what are ye practicing my lad?.
"To be famous Dad, to be famous" said the ginger headed mite.
"Oh, ok then....hold it....To be famous?"..."By sitting at the end of our driveway in the middle of Glasgow, you're going to be famous?".
"Not now Dad, I'm practicing....but one day".
"Oh alright, dinner's in half hour, see you then"...."Hold it....how is sitting at the end of our driveway, at a card table with a box....practicing to be famous?".
"Easy Da...I'm selling autographs".
"Autographs?" asked Jim.
"Yep" said Angus.
"And whose fine autographs are you selling my son, my son....you can't write your name yet....you can barely scrape by on the printing side of things too".
"Their mine Da...mum did them on some kitchen cards for me. Their only one pound each. All famous people have autographs". Jim walked around to the front of the table, and looked at the box and the sign. Sure enough, one box full of about twenty white three by five recipe cards with Anus McDonnagh written on them, nice and sweet as could be. On the sign, "OTTO GRAFS" ONE QUID EECH!!!!
Jim pondered his son's new and sudden career choice and asked "Angus...why do ye want to be famous?".
"Because it's cool Dad. Everyone likes famous people". "I see..." said Jim. "Just a thought though son, don't you have to do something to become famous, to have people like you?".
"That's why this is just practice" said Angus.
Now, how do you argue with that logic?
Up at the house Carol was looking out at her two men, one ready to be famous and the other confused as to why.
"Dad, you like them footballers on telly, right?". "Yes son, I do....they're good at what they do".
"And when you see them girls in the paper, without their shirts.....Cor' I'll have a bit of that...isn't that good. That means you like them too, right?".
"Yes son, but...that's a different sort of thing".
"How?...they're famous and people know them...are they good at what they do?" asked Angus.
Flustered, Jim answered "yes they are son, yes they are". "What exactly do they do Dad?".
"I'll tell you when you're ten son...wait until you're ten".
"I'm gonna be famous like that footballer whose always in the news dad"....
Jim thought about it...not sure who his wee boy was talking about.....and then it hit him.
"You know dad, the one they always show on the news and the sports with that lady".
"Son, that's John Terry, Englands Captain", said Jim.
"He's the one, played for Chelsea too".
"That's not what he's on telly for lately son, that's not the type of famous you want". "Why not?"
"He's famous for doing something bad, that's not what you want...is it?".
"So, I don't want to be like him, and I'm not ready to know about taking my shirt off...what can I be famous for Dad....I'm ready..I've got autographs done in the box".
"I know son, you'll find out"....and hopefully soon thought Jim.
"You can be like that Justin Barber lad from Canada....go on the internet and do stuff there, you can get famous from that son".
"It's Bieber and nope, nope and nope" said Angus.
"He has tattoos, likes girls and worst of all...he looks geeky".
Jim laughed at the last bit. "But, he's famous...isn't that what you want?"
"Supper!!!" Yelled Carol from the window.
"It is, but not if I have to do that...I never thought being famous would be so tough".
Jim thought, exactly why I avoided it son. He grabbed the box, and folded up the table, Angus was dragging the chair behind him...he dropped it by the bike and went in.
Jim looked at it, dropped the table...took out a pound coin, dropped it in the box and went in for dinner.
"Maybe I'll be a fireman instead " said Angus as they went inside. "People like them too...and it doesn't seem as hard as being famous"...."Yep, a fireman".
Jim smiled, tousled his son's raggedy head and went to the table.
"Now would someone tell me about this phone call to Belgium?....
A stained glass window come alive
Ten thousand butterflies , so alive
Monarchs on a barnyard board
Such beauty made by our dear Lord
I never knew that this I'd see
It's beauty there in front of me
It is the greatest thing of all
Alive on Capistrano's wall
They make the flight away from cold
Now here they struggle just to hold
A place inside this natures frame
Their life the goal of this strange game
A moving silhouette I see
Ten Thousand Monarchs in front of me
This thing of beauty five feet tall
On a Capistrano barnyard wall
The world was changed a little bit
When you were born, you little shit
I'm glad that you're a part of it
Today's your special day
At 44 you don't look worse
Than any one else in a hearse
I guess that just must be your curse
Today's your special day
I've known you now for about ten year
I've got your picture on a beer
I'm glad at 44 you're still here
Happy Birthday Ronald Rose
I have a son and daughter
They're alike as oil and water
I am proud to say that I'm their dad
since their mother died last autumn
Their only goal it seems,
Is to mess around and make the other mad
My daughter needs a mother
It's a role I'm forced to fill
I really wish my wife was still around
But, I think of how she'd handle
This little girl of ours
Although I know she's six foot underground
My son, he needs some guidance
That I just can not give
Emotions aren't a strong point in my book
He really needs his mother
To help him find his way
this mother thing deserves a second look
We're a rag tag group of people
A prince, A princess and their king
We lost our shining beacon late last year
I'm learning how to do things
That I never used to know
And my daughter has now learned to open beer
I used to be a father,
Who would send them on their way
Tell them "see your mother first, and then see me"
But, now I have no option
When decisions must be made
It seems to come back down to only me
I can tell my son to do stuff
Though I have to tell him twice
He always finds a way to get it done
When I tell my little princess
Exactly what to do
She tell me "Mum, would help me out and make it fun"
I know fishing and know hunting
I can fix most any car
I know all there is to know beneath a hood
But as far as being mother
It's a skill I have to learn
I just hope I'm doing all the things I should
The other day my daughter
Said "Dad, I need a bra"
I thought, good god, there's no one I could ask
Her granny lives in England
And her nana's in the states
So I guess it falls to me to do this task
I took her out last weekend
to buy a bra, Yes ...I said bra
This was a job her mother would have loved
But, here I was...her father
Trying to avert my eyes
Which gets real hard when pushing comes to shove
She bought her bra and smiled
As we walked out of the store
She laughed at me, and I laughed back as well
We'd shared a special moment
Between a princess and her king
It's a story to my son I will not tell
We bonded as a mother
and a father and his princess
We had a day and jeez we had some fun
I'm really glad my daughter
Told me "Dad, I need a bra"
Cause I never want to hear that from my son!!
Dear Lord, please hear my prayer
Each night I ask the same
I'm sure you know me well by now
So, I will not leave my name
My husband is a soldier
Doing duty overseas
I pray you have a moment
to listen to me, please
We have two growing children
And they need their dad around
Please see he gets home safely
Once he's safely homeward bound
I'm sure you hear from others
With the same request as me
Please Lord, give them an answer
Give a sign for all to see
We ask for our young children
They're the ones in need
Please keep our soldiers safe Lord
Once they've planted freedoms seed
I count each day I ask you
I tie a ribbon to a tree
Bring them home for all of us
Don't just bring them home for me
Of all the yellow ribbons
On all the Old Oak Trees
Please Lord, I ask you
I am here upon my knees
Our soldiers left in earnest
Please keep them alive
Let them do their duty
Please keep them safe 'till they arrive
I'll be back again tomorrow
And my prayer will be the same
Like I said, I'm sure you know me
So, I will not leave my name
Is poverty contagious?
Is it just like a disease?
If not, can someone tell me why
the poor are treated worse than fleas?
They don't look any different
They look like us, they don't look strange
But, why when people see them
Do they act like they have mange?
I don't understand perceptions
Of people and the poor
They only ask for fairness
They do not ask for any more
They live and work among us
We are closer than you think
The way people act around them
It's enough to drive a man to drink
Pride, love and commitment
These are things they have to give
The only difference there between us
Is they need a clean, safe place to live
I know people make decisions
On what others see and do
But, perception of the homeless
Can only change with you...
Everyday I walk the gauntlet
down the street full of despair
No one looking up at me
But, they know that I am there
Cardboard signs expressing life
Shadows and wratihs along the walk
I try to block out what they say
I don't want to hear them talk
I can't look down and notice them
I can not help them all
I can only walk and wonder
Just how far did they fall?
Last week a voice reached out to me
From a shadow no one cast
I recognized the voice, it was
A person from my past
"Mister, can you spare a bit?"
"I'm just down on my luck"
I stopped and stood and waited as
My very breath was sucked
I knew this voice, it's owner was
A man I worked with once
Many, many years ago
Back at old A.F.T. Hunts
I turned and looked upon him
This old man on the side
His eyes looked clear on through me
He wouldn't know me if he tried
I reached inside and pulled a bill
five dollars I would give
I knew when he had everything
Now, this is how he lives
I thought before I gave to him
This could easily be me
I knew exactly who'd he'd been
But, he still did not seem to see
I told him to take care and then
I moved on down the street
Not knowing where'd he go to next
If he'd go somewhere warm to eat
I only knew it wasn't far
to reach the gauntlet of despair
But I think from then, I'd never act
As though they were not there.