and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

I thought of him again
just like any other day
I don't want to and I am certain there is no need to love the boy who acted like a ****
Do boys with charm always do this, hold a piece of your heart in a jar with all the other girls
hold it under their bed to look at before they go to bed
I'm going to die a sad death alone like this
I swear to god you have a voodoo doll with my name on it

I don't remember what I was doing last year on this day,
but I know I felt a lot better than I do now
I had him
It was a rouse
I was the pawn
It's funny how I thought I'd never be a rebound and now that I look back I've been one multiple times
I always thought they saw the lights in my eyes when they really saw me as a bright distraction
I'm beautiful I'm kind I care about you they all said it and I believed it because I thought they were the world
It hurts
They're good people I tell myself, but that's so hard to believe when I remember how it ended
I see them smiling and I think of when I loved them how I still sometimes feel the same
It doesn't hurt because I remember how it ended it's remembering the journey to the end and how I wish someone felt the same how I wish I felt the same
It might had been all fake but it felt good anyway
And that's life
Jumping between blissful moments, believing there is always one ahead

You know its good when you're left at the end and you notice you were holding your breathe
when your heart is beating fast enough to make respiration difficult
you come here to try to express how you're feeling and you wish that you could feel this way about a person but the only people that make you feel remotely close are the ones you wished you never spoke to in the first place
one can admire until their heart gives out but to take chances and try to befriend them has proved to dangerous because you know how it ends
you know you'll forget all of this when you do it again and you've dug your grave four times deep, eventually coming in contact with the hot center of the earth, the heat reminding you you will only ever feel the cold of your loneliness no matter how much you burn your nerves

had we wrecked
am i okay
what about him
he was there with me
we were okay
it was all fine
then something happened
i can't see
why can't i see
where is he
i reached out
he hasn't grasp me
the sails flowed with calm jerks
the wind pulled us along
but the wind has stopped
the boat does not move
the currents have changed

am i dreaming or is that drift wood

sometimes you're like homework
so confusing
and i just stare at you
absent-mindedly
hating you
yet you're important to me
it's so hard to finish you
and i lose inspiration every now and then
but when i get high as my grades
i come running back to you

i can't wait to graduate from school
get rid of this infatuation
we would be adults by then
and hopefully this mess will be sorted out

I give the pieces of me to the wrong people and it seems they are playing for keeps
They never cared they just wanted to see me weep
I didn't know that when I saw them, though I can never look into eyes
I think it is because if I do they will see all my lies
You should probably know what they'll see so you're not so scared
I am broken and on the inside completely despaired
I had a panic attack yesterday and I scared people
They look at me as I have been trying to avoid
The eyes of judgement and sympathy for the destroyed
I'm not happy and I have lost a piece of me.
I would say it was part of my heart, but I'm still pumping blood, my chambers are boiling.
I think something inside of me is slowly spoiling, it is part of my brain and I know that sounds technical.
Though let's get real, what's acceptable.
So if you are driving your car and see a sign please return part of me this is why.
I'd rather be dead than live with the lies