I laugh in the face of love
      I cringe thinking of the passion
              I bathe in the hate I now feel
if it takes away
         what you once were
                  what you once meant.
Every love song a beautiful lie
           Every poem an empty cry
I could scrub my skin
     Until the blood seeps through
           If it meant forgetting you.

I guess I don't exactly know what I want to be
I don't know what I think the definition of physical beauty is
Because there are people I see with very flouncy curly and glistening golden blonde hair
Then I see Asian girls with their glossy raven black locks
I see girls with STUNNING blue eyes
And girls with magnificent hazel eyes
I see two of my friends who have brown eyes like me, only they have these BEAUTIFUL maple eyes
I see girls with heart-shaped jawline
I see girls with rounder jawlines
I see girls with tiny waists
And curvy girls
I see girls with cute little smiles
And bright, wide grinning smiles
ALL OF THEM ARE SO BEAUTIFUL
I don't even know WHAT I want to be
I just know that I wish there were a celebrity
Who existed
Who was WILDY adored and loved by everyone
Who was successful and never criticized
Who was not necessarily UGLY
But was undeniably not particularly traditionally physically pretty
But her soul was LOVELY
Her personality was imperfect
And she ******* up
But she was still a GOOD PERSON
and her values and what was inside her was what made her so globally popular
Because maybe if I stopped seeing everybody as so unbelievably BEAUTIFUL
then I would stop CARING that I was so hideous
I just really wish
"Pretty" didn't have a definition
But varied
You could look at someone
And what each person found pretty
Was COMPLETELY different
because I care way too much
because I hate hearing that I am "pretty" when I so clearly am not
but it's even worse when I hear that I'm not
Or if someone edges around it by saying: But you are a beautiful person INSIDE
avoiding admitting that I'm ugly
I hate hearing about how ugly I am
because it reminds me
but I also hate hearing about how supposedly "pretty" I am
because immediately in my head
that little voice that sounds exactly like my own
except very cruel and sadistic
The mean-streak part of me
It whispers in my mind
THEY ARE LYING TO YOU
YOU ARE UGLY AND HIDEOUS
AND NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO CARE ABOUT WORTHLESS YOU.
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WHAT SOCIETY DEFINES AS PRETTY
YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND UGLY.
DON'T LISTEN TO THEIR PROMISES THAT YOU ARE PRETTY
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT.
that is all I hear in my head.
or if I hear OH BUT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT
the voice whispers: did you recognize that? Hear it? See it?
They specifically avoided saying you were physically pretty
So whether they are right or not about what is more important, inner or outer beauty
They have still admitted to you
In an underhanded way
That you ARE ugly
they have confirmed what I have always told you
YOU ARE NOT PRETTY
YOU NEVER WILL BE
and do you know what?
I don't care anymore about what is important
I want to be physically beautiful
It's like when you just really want cake
it might be unhealthy
It might not matter
It isn't good to obsess over
but you JUST WANT IT
you want it so badly
and you can't function properly without it
until you have that desire given in to
but I can't tell them that anymore
so they don't have to lie to me to spare my feelings which makes me feel awful
or so they don't have to be honest and either tell me I'm ugly or edge around it by bringing up inner beauty and using a BUT before it
because that makes me feel even WORSE
I will not talk about it anymore
I will just let it dominate my poetry
because I must write
I must WRITE to keep it from consuming me
that is all I have
If I can't speak of the pain anymore
I must write.
that is my escape.

Your contentious,
Ditzy,
Air-Headed,
Very sui generis,
You are my best friend.

Bones are ****** dry and carcasses are licked clean
Voices are taken away
Who would be there to tell you,
that you do not deserve this?
They are obliged to make every dream of yours
a combination of different hells.
The banshee is a devil,
for she daren't call for you;
and you daren't call for her.

These staircases spiral into traps
and the sun cuts these diamonds like a blade;
the night hides all the faces you have ever dreamed of
and sleep leaves you drenched in the venom of your very own fears.
Few knew how many battles have been fought in a losing war
and fewer knew better than to make it out half alive.

Perhaps a blessing in disguise,
or a master of disguise:
when they leave you alone, they really do.
and it'd be less of a chore
to speak to yourself, instead of for yourself
or to those around you.
An eagle is born to be held captive-
and when they will you to fly,
you would.

Some wake in the dusk
Some brew the wrong cup of coffee
Some brew the same kind of storm
It's hard to know if you were awake
or alive
when your name never did sound right
coming from someone else's lips.

I'm confused
You say 'I love you'
But you don't trust me
How can that be?
Do you try to bring confusion and misery?

I'm confused
WXYZ
That's my family
Mom, 2 sisters, and me
All together, we look happy

But i think our relationships
As a family, are really ******
My mom and i
Don't see eye to eye
This causes frustration

Irritation,
When we talk,
It's like feeding you ammunition.
Xavi and me
She is forever my bestie!

Yahnnie and me
Ugh!
Sometimes she makes me angry.
But we are family
Its kind of what we do

I don't know about you
But i wish things were different.
There isn't much i can do,
Sure I'll be there for you ,
And ill forever love you too.