Words mumbled,
If any at all.
Staring at nothing,
If anything at all

Sunken red eyes,
Unable to focus,
Slumped over the chair,
**** pungent in the air

I hardly see you
We hardly speak
And when I try
You’re too tired to speak

You sit on the street
Drinking with friends
I’ve no problem with that
If only I could see you at weekends

I know you work hard
You deserve the rest too
For me it’s chocolate
Cannabis for you

But you’re one of many
Nearly all my friends smoke
Yet we still communicate
We can laugh, we can joke

They can still see me,
They notice me here
No matter the ****,
No matter the beer

But do you see me?
Am I just in the way?
I feel so alone
Even when you’re here all day

No communication
No conversation
Staring and smoking
Then blanket over the head sleeping

You awake snorting loudly
Giving me a fright
It doesn’t seem to bother you
In the middle of the night

I’m not really here
It’s like I’m a ghost
You look straight through me
Then go for a smoke

The body is limp
The mind unfocused
Hardly able to smile
Ignore what I suggest

I cannot change you
I get it, it’s you
You are inseparable
**** is number one for you

It’s not up for discussion
Should I ask you smoke less
It is just so insulting
To try change someone else

Just to cut down
One less joint a day,
I might see the person
Hidden by the smoke and haze

Is it my fault?
Am I making you like this?
I sincerely hope not
For us both it’s a loss

Do you still know me?
When can we talk?
Or enjoy time together
Just in the park

Or is this just it?
How it has to be
Is this how we live?
Us who don’t smoke ****

I live with a shell
An empty smoke filled case
Not interested in me
I can tell by the long drawn face

Is there anything inside?
Are you there at all?
How much longer do I wait?
What am I waiting for?

Do you still know me?
Or am I just a “thing “
I cannot stop your ****
That would be classed as a sin

Everything I ask
Is repeated ten times
Over and over and over
You still cannot take it in

Is this how we live?
If living is what this is
Or am I being too sensitive ?
About how you seem to live with your friends

But they are watching tv
I think you are too
Only to discover at 2am
You’re sleeping, passed out in the studio

It is clear to me now
That I matter the least
You have to please your friends
Even as I cook and you eat

Why do I want communication?
Is it a failure in me?
I just feel like there’s nothing
It’s even a chore for you to make me a tea

I mention the idea
Of spending time together
But it’s taken as an insult
Depriving you of your friends, together

We do our own things
That’s healthy I know
But to spend time together
It’s a chore, so much effort, I know

This is the end,
The relationship passed
Stuck here without you
While the **** takes all of you

You live for the ****
I know that is true,
If you had to choose between us
The **** would win, it’s true

It consumes your life
I guess that’s how it is
But is this it for me?
Do I marry someone who doesn’t see me?

I do get confused
As you expect me at night
After ignoring me all day,
How will I do things at night?

Surely for such intimacy
A relationship comes first
Or perhaps it’s just me,
Wanting what I don’t deserve

You’re not here Tsietsi
You make noises, not talk
The words make no sense
I might as well speak to a wall

I’m not trying to be cruel
I’m not anti ****
The last thing I want to do is control,
To take away what people need

But I’m confused and tired
Yet I’m never enough
I try to cook, grow veggies,
It’s still, still not enough

The relationship to you has meaning
Very different to that of mine
Washing the dishes, removing weeds,
Is the level of connection we enjoy

Is that enough for you?
That I’m just here to cook?
To sit silently, without you
Not trying to talk

Is this how it’s meant to be?
A life without you, only me?
A woman is to marry
But a woman is not to see

Or perhaps it’s just me?
Should I smoke **** too?
Am I mistaken?
We don’t need communication?

I say goodbye, not leaving,
I just know you’re no longer here,
I will carry on
While you keep the **** and beer

Goodbye Tsietsi.....,,, let me know when you wake up **

I don't know where to start,
As I write this from the heart.
And since the day you left us,
We are bleeding from the heart.

We only met so recently  ,
Four years ago in fact.
You came to visit on Christmas Eve,
Danced in the yard with Tsietsi

I still don't know what happened,
We still think of you every day
I could not attend your funeral
I wanted you here to stay

Bandile I'm sorry,
Is all I can say,
I can't write without crying,
Pain doesn't go away

Such a huge person,
With such a huge heart,
With such a huge smile,
And a voice that is still heard

So full of life,
You filled us with life too,
Your happiness, optimism,
Philosophical you

But Bandile I remember
So terribly terribly well
The night of that phone call
And how the world just fell

How could this be true?
We saw you last weekend
You talked to me about dying,
But it wasn't part of the plan!

After patching you up last year
With a hole in your head that day
I always worried,
But not you; life's too short you say

And then you left us
Nobody knew what to do,
A dark cloud over Soweto
A community heartbroken, it's true

People carried on,
As funerals require,
Maybe you gave them strength,
But I've never seen people so tired

The unanswered questions,
Keeping our wounds open,
Unable to accept or believe,
Easier to pretend.

For me that's what happened
I pretended it wasn't true
It was so impossible.
Anyone, but not you.

You are full of life to me
Calling me "Emmerentia"
And I think you always will be
A beautiful image forever

I have so much to tell you,
But your philosophy sticks with me
I try to use it to help me
I see how it set you free

You went before your time
Never came to eastern cape
We had so many plans,
Then in seconds they evaporate

I think we all feel the same
And we probably always will
We wanted to speak to you one last time
To hear your cheerful voice

Bandile you are such a good friend,
A brother, a father too,
The kind gentle giant
Is how we remember you

It still seems unreal
At least for me it does
But I didn't want to say goodbye
Where would we put all the tears?

Stoicism kept you strong
The one comfort we may take
Knowing you'd say "that's enough"
"No more crying", "let's just dance"

I cannot finish this poem
Because there's too much to say
You live on with all of us
And forever you will stay

Bandile we all love you
Orlando West, Rockville,
Rosebank as well as Soweto
Will never be the same without you

With love always from the bottom of my heart, I write looking at mount Ararat. Finding the peace I needed to start.

For you Bandile.
Or as iPhone called you " ban dyl zondo!"

You're so right....life is short.
💔🙏😥🥀⛰️🏔️🌠🕯️🕯️🕯️