Everybody’s rushing with their lives
So they take what’s easy
They takeout Chinese food for dinner
They find the song they like online
They read the synopsis instead of the book
They say good night too early only to find themselves awake at 2 am
looking for someone to talk to
They make 3-in-1 cups of coffee
They type, they forget to write
But you darling, you’re not made for the “now”
You’re not made to-go
You’re not made for takeouts
You’re for later
You’re for enjoying lunch for an hour
You’re watching sunsets for dinner
Because time will never run out
for something that is not meant for the time being
Let’s take this moment in and stay still
We’re not for now
We don’t need to figure out how
Because darling, we’re not made for now.

on a fine day,  i would take you to the beach so we can sit and eat and we could just order so many takeouts from a Chinese restaurant.
on a fine day, i would take you to a park and i will teach you how to skate.
on a fine day, i would take you to a pottery class and we could make ugly art together.
on a fine day, i would take you to a dog park so we could play run and catch with Lulu.
on a fine day, i would take you to a coffee shop and we would just be sitting next to each other while reading books together.
on a fine day, i would just pick you up and drive to nowhere listening to songs.
on a fine day, i would take you to museums and i will hold your hands while we're passing some arts we sure we don't know anything about.
on a fine day, i would take you to concerts and we could just dance our *** off.
on a fine day, i would take you to an airport date and we could just be anyone we wanted to be.
on a fine day, i would take you to nowhere so we could spend some time watching movies and play games.
on that fine day, i would make you the happiest person in this whole world.

2019

"Don't be silly."
"I was joking."
"Yeah you joke about that for what now, 3 years?!"

Yeah.
I've wished for this stupid thing for 3 years in a row.
It's just......easier, i think.
Rather than wishing that he'd come back,
i knew it wouldn't be the same.
I don't know if I could forgive him even if he actually shows up in front of me one day.

"It's because of him, isn't it?"

I stood there in silence.
It's not that I'm surprised of the question, but there's just nothing can come out of my mouth.

"Oh who cares, it's your birthday today. Let's just cut the cake already. I'm hungry!"

Now this is why you have to thank your other friend who's really good at breaking ice in this type of situation. To distract the cold air in the room.

"Leave me some. I have takeouts but I'm gonna want the cake."
"Sure, we'll leave you half of it."

Not more than 20 minutes later, they left.
Considering our houses are around an hour drive from each other, it's pretty late now since we all still have work the next day.


Around 15 minutes went by, one of them texts me.
"Hey I accidentally bring your stuff with me, otw back to return it. Sorry."

No big deal.
So i text back,
"Sure, it's fine. Just knock when you get here."

While waiting, I look around for 'the stuff' in the living room, but I can't find anything that's missing.
Maybe it's something in the bathroom? Bedroom? I don't know how long they've been here before I came home,
and what other room in this house that they used, I said to myself.
Since i'm already tired and sleepy, and it's late, i decide to just lay down on the couch to rest for a while.
But I figure if i lay down then I'll go straight to sleep in seconds, so well I just sit straight I guess.


Then there's a knock, and I immediately jumped from my couch straight to the door.
Usually, I will still take a second to look from the peephole, but who else could it be.

So I unlock the door, turn the ****, and swing the door open without hesitance.
.
.
.
and it's probably one of the worst decision to not peek from my peephole today.



"Um....hey.
Happy birthday."

I don't know if this is the sugar rush that the cake gave me,
or i'm just really tired and sleepy,
or if this is a dream.


I tried to move my hand to slap myself, they say do that if you're uncertain whether you're in a dream or reality.

If it hurts, then it's real.
But I can't move my hand, or my feet, or anything right at this moment.
But one thing's for sure,
it does hurt.
My heart hurts,
that's how I know it's real.


And the only one who can give me this much of a pain,

is him.

2019

Today is my birthday.

I just got off from the bus, on the station nearest to my house.
It is 8.30 pm, the time that always left me confused, whether i should go take an evening stroll, or go to the nearest grocery store, or just straight home to rest.

Work finished really late today, so I decided to grab takeouts and take it home to eat. What a great way to end your birthday, don't you think?

At this age, birthdays don't really matter as huge as when you were in high school. Yes it is still somehow important, and especially for me, birthdays are constant reminder for you to look back and figure out what milestone have you reached this past year. And are the people who celebrate your birthday last year still celebrating it this year? If yes, great. If not, where are they now?

Yeah.
Where are you now?

/

It has been 4 years, since i last saw you.
Exactly 4 years,
since you left me on the day of my birthday.

It's funny,
it seems so long but it feels like yesterday.
I feel like it was just last night you came to my house, and knocked on my front door.
I remember you were bringing me a cake and a gift, i was beyond happy, and i invited you in.
I cut the cake, we took picture, you hugged me, then you looked me in the eye.
"I am leaving town tomorrow."

"Why?", I asked.
"Job, and i don't know for how long."
"Why?"
"My boss asked me, so I have to."
"No. I mean, why tomorrow?"
"The flight has been booked for me. First thing tomorrow morning. I guess they need me right away."
"But you'll come back, right?"
And you stood there in silence.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"

And the rest of the conversation is the part i tried so hard to erase ever since.
You said it's best for us to seperate, and things won't work out eventually even if we tried.
You said if it is meant to be, we will meet again at another time.

And right there, is what left me hanging until this very day,
should i try to wait, or brush it all off instead?

/

After the short stroll i took, that made my mind wandered back to you, i arrived home.
I realized that my front door is not locked, and made me panic right away.
I slowly open my door, with a plastic bag filled with food that i am ready to sacrifice as a weapon if there's an intruder at my house.
And,
it's just my friends.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", said all 3 of 'em.
Dang it. They must've asked my mom where I left my spare keys.

There's a cake with candles, and some balloons all around my living room.

"Come on, the candle's gonna melt anytime soon now!"
"Yeah hurry! We don't have spare candles."

"Fine."
"Wait. Make a wish first, you idiot."
"Adults don't do that anymore."
"I don't care. We still do."
"Come on. What would you wish for?"

I took a long pause, staring at the candles,
and I say without hesitance.

"Amnesia."

And blew out the candle with both of my eyes closed,
hoping the moment the fire burns out,
so does the memory of him.