never knew you
except from
far away

never loved you
except from
far away

never
except for
in poems and colors

and  
...
you know

i never wanted to give
you anything more
than what you wanted.

tonight i was thinking
if the moon were one
of the eyes of God

would it rain every night,
or some nights shine so bright
that even the sleepiest birds

couldn't help singing?
i know
you remember.

dear india,
just one
question:

if you're gone, which you are,
and i'm gone, which i am,
gone like refugees,

why do you
keep showing up
in my dreams?

I love the smell of orange most.
It doesn't go well with purple,
but it represents everything I am not.

I make up for my lack of sunshine by wrapping it around me,
a neckerchief in any season.
I cover up the cracks that leak blue, the scent of
the sleepiest lavender.
I'd rather be gold, a heady sharp awakening - compared to the wispy breeze that settles on my shoulders.
I am tired of sleeping when I'd rather be citrus, shining.

Every time I unwrap a chocolate
I think of Shil Grandpa.

The thin and tall man forever in a long coat
Towered over the sandstone roads of the sleepiest town
Where only steam hoots broke the silence
And a lone tree on the ground of Ghost Bungalow
Still spewed smoke of the thunder that burned it!

His house was at the eeriest corner of the town
Too large for just one man to inhabit it
The hush on its tree lined walkway was deafening
And the garden uncared just grew like wild!

He would stop the moment he sighted a child
Dip his hand in the sweet mystery of his coat pocket
And by magic wand would appear a chocolate!

Sweet tooth child don’t ask for one more, he would say
There are more to give, all the children coming my way.

In the steams whistle his words would fly like a song
In the afternoon’s shadow an old man gone wild
Sweetening his void with the joy of a child
One more still many more before he was free
His day was done and pocket empty!

Whenever I unwrap a chocolate
Grandpa Shil comes back to say

*Stop before you put it in mouth
There’s a child coming your way.

you had a little over a decades worth of experience over me, and you always knew what to say

not in comforting way,
but in a scripted way.

all your lovers are told the same sweet things at some point or another, it's all a play.

it's funny how I used the word play,
since that's precisely what you did to me.

you took advantage of how young I was in comparison to you (how dare you) and manipulated me in ways I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy.

when you left me
I swore to myself
I would never love someone
the way
I loved you.

and that was true,
because I learned to love people
in healthier ways
and not become dependent on them
for my own happiness and sanity.

I thought I couldn't live without you when in fact I started living when you left me.

you were my first love, but now that I'm older
I don't think it was love, really

I was just a sad, tired-eyed 13 year old girl
who wanted what she shouldn't and couldn't have

and although I'm still sad, and still have the sleepiest irises to ever exist on the face of this earth,

I'm older and realize how being with you forever was irrational in the first place.