This is who I am and it will always be ILLOGICAL, IRRATIONAL and above all, STUPID.

I miss you.

You don't understand me. Its not feasible. Everything won't work. You won't work. I won't work. We won't work. You can't reason your way out of this. Not enough time. Not enough time for me. Not enough time for us. It would've ended anyways he tells me. I tell myself this over and over. Convince yourself, I AM INDEPENDENT. I will vitalize and intoxicate myself by myself. Thats what people do everyday. The issue being, I am not a genuine person. I persuade and assure myself I can handle this role and it satisfies my craving for normalcy. I'm not a gifted actress. I lose more and more social contacts due to this complication. I must learn from the independent ones so I can stop breaking apart these silly boys limb by limb.

You must stop making them care for you. You are not a whole person and therefore cannot be an authentic concern of others. You are imaginary. You are empty. Two opposite minds, insanity and sanity, fighting over the same body is an immense misadventure. Insanity wants to ******* boys, intently watching the peculiar escape routes they design. She sneers as they try and try, withered by a constant sense of defeat, each of them exhibiting exciting, unique and new qualities. She forces the body's muscles into a terrifying object. Then she denies his superiority complex of its primary function as he realizes that this damsel is in a permanent brand of distress. Sanity, however, is fleeting. Sometimes, she truly gives a **** about others. She is the pure example of meek, anemic and decrepit aftermath. She is selfless for selfish reasons. She wants them to adore her. She will exceed expectations, impresses and astonishes them. The product of this relished humanistic quality, acceptance, nourishes her. She savors boys who tell her she is strong and capable. Lies lies lies lies lies is all they speak. Its been too many years. She's forsaken by insanity.

Never enough time for this. Nobody has enough time. Who will give me the time? These days the clock shows seamless progressions to worse and worse. Sleepless nights remind me of night after night after night of our restless, unsetting and ineffective dialogues. Lets just go in circles for a little longer. Why not a little longer? Where do I find someone willing to linger with insanity? Just give me more time. I need a few more moments with real people to feel okay. Let me practice my part with you. Coach me. Tell me what to do next. I'm craving a sense of reality. I trusted you with it. Give it back. Give it to me. Let me have it. Feed it to me. Now.

I kid myself. If you get to know me a bit further I might let you peer at my Dali-esque picture of the present. Wonderland has me descending head first down the rabbit hole. Alice found herself stationary, bruised and filthy with temporary madness years ago. I've kept plunging for decades after and suddenly I'm gaining speed. Momentum, its all about physics. They throw ropes, then yarn, then thread to me. Once again the thread brushed my skin and I found possibility. The sensation of active nerve endings engaged my curiosity. I search for the sort of matter that could interrupt this regression. One faint wonder to what could have been is met by pathetic and pointless conclusions.

You are so associated. Everything and everyone is marked by inclinations. What affects you is the fact that you are now aware of it. You recognize that I see something different in you. I see something unusual. I see a habit. Nouns are consistently becoming verbs. You are not beneficial to this at all. I allowed you to be my unhealthy. I linked you to infection. Is that why I need you so badly? Is that why I want you back? You gave me composure from your expectations.You raised questions and I gave you the appropriate answers conjured from my ideals. I store a list of rules that are rarely followed. I let you in on every ***** secret so I had to abide by constructs of sickness. I had no other choice.

Will I ever be able to do this? If this is me and I am me forever who will swallow it? Who will take responsibility for my downfalls? Faults that are too confusing for explanation are menacingly sweet if you hold inquisitiveness, in place of a heart, on your sleeve. I can't understand. You can't understand. There is no more on and off switch somewhere in a dark basement. I'm not twelve anymore. I can't blame mommy and daddy. Its all my fault. I got myself here. It's my transgression. Don't you dare blame them. Recognize my liability. I ****** up this time but I found an oddity; I found perfection in this imperfection. It's something of a conundrum.

Computer science is fruitless thinking. I AM NOT A MACHINE. I am not a computer, not a mechanism, not a problem. I am not a riddle to solve. I am contradiction in every sense of the term. Its broken, shattered and pieces have gone missing. They were outdated and oppressive. They were thrown out, burned, buried, and forgotten. Once treasured, they became cumbersome and then dropped along the way. With them, logic vanished beneath my feet. Its gone now. I'm gone now.

Weightlessness necessitates a higher being than the imperfect human. It requires me to remain underwater, letting go of the compulsion to meet the surface for air. These ancient seas compel me and draw me further down with their loveliness and passion. I am mesmerized by the mania involved. You won't spot me in the engrossing waters. The black surface holds many afflictions.

RUN. FAST.

Time moves forward,
The earth spins its silk,
On mornings wed with buttermilk,
Your ingénue sleeps,
Under a honeycomb sky,
Weeping sweet into her dream soaked eyes,

The walls of your heart were a dusty rose tapestry,
An interior of toothache and sticky ghosts,

He called for that criminal kiss,
For the warmth of the reminisce,

Her limbs were snug,
Gathered like a bouquet,
Thrown at your temple floor,
Sleeping wrapped within his holy grail,

Blossom spilled from his hallowed lips,
You whisper I taste of rosewater and new worlds,
Meaning the summer was lost inside us,
Consumed by a religious hunger,
In a locket of wild heat,

Arrest your memory before I forget,
As us criminals often do,
I fly alongside hope,
Like a honeybee in rain,
And pray I will make your sermon change.

not here, here, here

inside, outside, her head
bath tub, bubbles shaped
like balloons, rising
in the air,
cut open, she
precludes the secret nature
of her love,

he loved, her
every ballet she danced
pink fur, a butterfly moving,
on tips of toes,
tripping the light, en pointe
painted pale lips,
winged eyeliner, corset
silk, golden embellished,
Lacroix,
feathered tutu, romantic
Tchaikovsky's compositions,
faery tale ballets,
Swan Lake, Paris Opéra
Odette, a sorcerer's curse
falling to her fate, black
later, taxi rides home, kissing
moonlight, bedroom laughter,

KNOCK

not here, here, here

the bathroom door,
she kisses away,
her melancholy madness,
his voice; *Laurier...
her soul, punctured
by her lover...

not here, here, here

© Sia Jane

You see,
when I escaped your love
I had rocks tied to my ankles in knots,
and I walked into the lake
barely recognising myself,
just caught up in a memory and replaying
the pain in my head, so numbing that
I detached from anyone else’s love.

I thought love, real love, was about sacrifice.
You fed me lies about true love -
never ending ‘happily ever afters,’
and in my naïve mistaken heart,
I trusted to believe real love meant death -
that true sacrifice was self-sacrifice.

So, dressed in the wedding dress
(I was to wear on Monday)
my hair plated the way you liked it,
your grandma’s emeralds around my neck,
earrings dropping as a pendant, and the ring
on my left hand, I walked.

I walked.
I held tightly onto the bouquet of lilies
(were they not always meant for funerals)
and I stepped into the lake.
Cold water rising up my thighs,
cold water which actually felt more ‘known’
than the unknown land of your love.

I wasn’t even scared.

I’d washed down fear with
a bottle of pain.
I washed down fear with
pills of despair.
I just kept walking.
And the only sound I remember,
is my humming of Beethoven’s Für Elise.
In my mind, I could see you dancing
en pointe- your feet as eloquently poised
as the pianists fingers,
never in a race to finish -
just movements of grace.

And that’s who I am today -
I am the dancer
(Odette and Odile).
My humanity is now outdated -
I too, throw myself into the lake,
and, as I take my final breath
we – you and I, my lover –
are seen flying past the moon.

© Sia Jane

Everyone is watching,
As you float upon your toes.
You glide across the stage,
And your passion shows.

You dance the story,
Of the Prince and Odette.
You show the terrible tale,
As you pirouette.  

You waltz, you plié,
And orbit the stage.
You become the music,
Violinists turn their page.

Your skeleton moves,
In intricate ways.
You jeté across the lake,
As the audience sways.

The tattered silk is leaking,
As the crimson starts to seep.
You smile, you push on,
You take the next leap.

You sauté, you soutenu,
The signets sing.
You fouetté, you fondue,
You enter the wing.

not here, here, here

-eyes closed-

a bath rub filled with bubbles
shaped like balloons rising in the air
her heart cut open, she can’t preclude
the secret nature of her love

and, he loved her, he loved her
he watched her every ballet she danced
a butterfly moving on tiptoes
tripping the light en pointe with
painted pale lips, winged eyeliner
silk Lacroix corset and feathered tutu

performing Swan Lake
at the Palais Garnier
the promised faery tale ballets
graceful movements to Tchaikovskys’s
compositions, telling the story of Odette
drowning in the lake falling to her fate

-KNOCK-

not here, here, here

-eyes open-

his voice; Laurier
her soul; punctured by her lover
a locked bathroom door
she kisses away her melancholy madness

not here, here, here*

© Sia Jane

Graceful swan, your plumage white
you haunt the shadows of the night
on glacial waters of the lake
mute you glide, no sound do make
And I have loved you from afar
Lost to me, my wandering star

And how you danced as wings took flight
You mesmerised with feet so light
on every pirouette you spun
in moonlight’s glow, my heart was won
And still I love you evermore
Lost to me, hard to endure

You are the lake, the stars, the moon
Ethereal music’s soulful tune
Princess of the glacial water
Nevermore a lover, daughter
In death, your voice will soar the plains
Sing for me those sad refrains

Graceful swan, my deep regret
you nevermore shall be Odette.

28/01/19 JG

The dark waltz

I love the dark waltz - deliciously midnight
The Phantom, the opera, the dark lair
the gothic, the mystery, the moonlight
The ethereal spirit of night air
I love the sensual, the star crossed young lovers
The tragic, the dreamer, the doomed
Shakespeare, Lord Byron and Sylvia Plath
Great poets that I have consumed
I love Tchaikovsky, Odette and Odile
Carmen by Bizet, Miss Saigon, Les Mis
The music, the poetry that make my heart feel
Nothing inspires such as this
Spinning me round to the beautiful sound
Of the dark waltz into the abyss

26.12.18 JG

Bæç shore Çhīldrēñ
Jērêmíel bêê Sūrē Çhīld

Lament Sore Eyesore Cane
ẞlävory æ Wär Sorrow

Lamentatory
Lamech-Cane-Story
Lament °³Orí
Lamemen èn theoremìnn

El-èdu-ma'rīè---
Elèdumarè
El-èhdu-ma'rīè---
Elèdumar­­è
Èl'hell doom I rate
49°
3l'law-dù-Í'rare


3l'æîr' ~tø my Īrīē
A laid room I made
Edē'n Nubiãn
Key key
Care care
Parãdîßê

He made known the beginning from the end
He who is the end from the beginning

666
Aint I Christ already,
Already done with entitlement•
Ancient I'm oldie
Day ēn timly Odette,
Ødēttê'él
Oldest tale
Devînè stœrì

Mī Oøni Õdēth Pærl
A-bell clœck
A Cain æ spherically õldest lawv
A-læd³
Ī-led-her
A-ledge-dā,
A lëdg³ dâ
Jerry too Arayà

Land free of doom Baby ã-låw
Land of counted star Cush-height
Land of fulfilled Promise Kem-care
Land  of disciplinary Lake of hellas
Land of the fair Oønī

A Shy-Lawl- arry-thing no eth err
A-chair-lów- Everything
Shiloh Carefree
Ka-ifa Virtuously D³vinatory
Is so ³cool

Orun-Iwà bieng-lawed
³-mold-hear
Mí
Imowé.
³-mold no.
El-cclisiastic Ka how Dã SOLOMON
Turn-IYESUS.
ORISHANLÀ A1


ærth ³mold know Ī speak everything
El-cclisiastic Ka how SØLØMØN
Trasfigured as IYESUS.
Dā JÈRÊMÎĒL
ØRÎSHA'NLÀ

Forever Living ẞmīlê
Œh me
Eternal Everlasting is all me
Ærth owe me.
Perfected & Sacredly•

I had
I.AM YHWz Abba HIM
Īñ My "SCHOOL" All-MÉ.
ẞïgnīã Zîóñ

A LORD GOD FATHER A KING
DĀ LEADER
MÍ PERFECT A-LONE ME.
IA-GUN °Cord-
Hæ Òrùn Ogun.


Brilliant Genius Dinstiction Excellent
{PERFECT} Hæ Œgun

POWER ALMIGHTY
Mean less without measurement
of homeliness

POWER Æ MIGHT
ALL FULLNESS
Mean ẞhīlø~Àmour ....
101000° rated
Balance Stable
All sowing good
101000° rated homeliness

A lawed room I'rate
A law do my rare
A loād-do-i'rea-thīnk
Allien intelligence
law do I matory 49°

All bow Kneel headed
eth -fair
Ifé
Oønī years rated.
Līving Alone
•••

666
Nathan Haile
A down-el' me
A daniel me
A dan here me
A dan hell me
daniel hail me
Apple-baptist
Dis Lost.



Basin-Math-Mat call
(Educationally Traditionally Religiously Culture-ry
Customary
Costom married
Answered Questional).


{Educationally Traditionally Religiously Culture--ry
Customary
Costom married
Answered Questionally.

Gentleman éh~Oonī
Flawless victoratry
Stainless Smooth ~Lea~da..r
Effortless flow frequency sequence
Willed equity essence.

Ai Lawed room
Eh el da
Sense me laudatory

All roam Ī see now
All room Ī see now
All romed Ī ßee now
777


A fore dā
A sun °lèdg³ då I mõld
Lesser līght I moon


Arch-knowledgement very costly
Jērêmíel

Chakra Skin ³eye
God digger
gold digger
goal digger
go dig her
goad dā èl
goat dig ārk {grætest øf all tímely}


a ledge caculatory
answered agreed
(isé &Amen)
Yes sworn

cos Course Cause Curse Cost cure ³°***

(10/10)
No Gifted Luck
to my calculatory
All Lawv.

TIMĒLY~ FLÃG LÎÑ3~ÊDG3
[Prēy Prêsídóry Prêpóry]• TRIBAL~KÍÑDRËD
[Pēnāncē Âprîl]•
ÇHÛRÇH~ẞÇHOOL
[Pèity Prâyòry]•
KÎÑGDŒM~COMPLETE NATURAL THEOREMÍNN
[Pāīn Prâîßóry]•


A call en you shall be answered
seek en you shall find
A knock en it shall be open
Ask en you shall be giving
One excellent play °cord Prepóry•

°Hu Gehazi {Vīsīøn Dræm Wàter}
èn Dâ-Lilly {Delilah}
A1-Man {Låwd Beīng}
{Sheol- æ -mon}
I dress Ede'n

A diamond 6 and a golden 7
Health is wealth
Morally Naturally
From dusted water en ant into a tree
ēn ā ßæld scroll•

Literacy balanced stabled æ bēîng.

Nation tears•
Fulfilled satisfactory


Meaningful Meaningful
Omnī Omnī
ALMIGHTY SHÅLLŌM Í WÓÑ

ÏLL~HŪ~M~ĪÑÑ~ĀTĪÑG B3ÃÇ ŒD3TT3 FÆŒẞ ØøDËTH

~~~~~~~

Holy-Spirit-Hærb-Teddy-Bær
Kind-Æ-Gæye
  Æ-gæl✓ Malmö
ẞæl-Æir-Bræithe-Æir-Pæt
Ah-Neymer-Inn-Æ-Deep-Slip
[Lawv Wan] £

Nile [Egypt Realm]
Roar [Ethiopia Universal]
Inncum [Z]Asia International]
Tan [Greek World]

Ódè~teddy🐻🐨 Crystal 💎 [Fur]
Iced Fruited Snow
[Onni ***** 🍯 Chocolate 🍩🍫 Snow Icecream😇🌨️🍧 Principle ****-Manual]

Butted-Odette Pool-Pool

Wæ-Caræd [Kæy]
Æ101

Little Rainbow Æ Moral Balloon 💕🎈

Hæly Reel