It feels so wrong to think of you
But even after all these years
We're still dancing in my dreams
I dont think I ever told you
But from that time I emailed you
I still thought we were meant to be
Writing usually feels easy
But with this I am terrified
I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy
I don't want to bring you pain
I don't want to be so selfish
But these memories can drive me mad
I read something you wrote before
From that last time we hungout
When you thought I didn't care
I was distant because I was scared
It'd been years and I still loved you
I hurt you, and I loved you
I never told you it back then
Because I felt I'd hurt you more
I'd done enough, without making it worse
I know it's a silly thing
Since we don't know each other now
But I want to
Back then I thought our story wasn't over
That we'd connect again once we were older
But now I live across the country
And I'm too afraid to say hello

We are all the leftover misfits people had promised to make room for but never did. We are all the scribbles the doodler swore to make art out of someday, but were never given the chance; the ugly friend, the childhood scar housing reminiscent places, familiar feelings. And somehow amongst the muck and the **** people tend to label as having friends we pulled through with the title, 'there' for them. There. Funny, how one word can invoke such feelings of those who remember what that word actually means when you speak with intent on your tongue. There.

How we were 'there' for them; dealing with their choices, while they're looking for security in a storm, when there's rain flooding the highest peaks of our reticence.

We are there. Somehow we found each other. In this weird **** world we all managed to uniquely fit the structures of what we called love into the base of what we knew.  And our laughs broke the deepest silences, our voices chimed past the furthest room, and our judgments didn't exist because we were the best parts of the few.

Once it was labelled
You lost what we were
Too many opinions
You couldn't defer

You faked a break up
That soon became real
Peer pressure forced you
To change how you feel

For the next long month
I took space to recover
But on Hallowe'en I found out
That you found another

You two broke up
And Edwin brought us together
We hungout just twice
In the near-winter weather

I thought you liked me
Because we kissed at the park
But you loved me like a sister
Thought there wasn't a spark

You moved on to Emma
And we drifted apart
You found a new family
And it broke my heart

Every promise was broken
You weren't the same Reagen
You forgot about my feelings
And left with no reason

We had the worst fight of our history
So many hurtful things said
The worst: that you're leaving
That ripped me to shreds

Two months spent without you
But only just physically
'Cause you plagued my thoughts
And wrecked my stability

Ironically, it was Emma,
The girl who stole your attention,
That convinced you to come back
And repair our connection

Our relationship improved
But it wasn't restored
We only talked about Emma,
The girl you adored

Eventually, I met a boy
Who seemed to treat me much better
We started to date
He lent me his sweater

Everything changed
When Jesse moved away
You realized who cared
And what mistake you had made

As we got closer
Tristan started to withdraw
I was being too clingy
It's always been my flaw

The saying "History repeats itself"
Has never been more true
When Tristan and I stopped dating
You hoped that we'd get to

And just like last summer
I made out with Owen
But again it felt awkward
So it won't keep going

They say I've chosen you
Like my love's a competition
They say I've chosen you
I do it like tradition

All I know is I love you
And I always want to see you smile
Just understand that I can't
Make decisions for awhile

So happy birthday baby
May all your dreams come true
I hope this year's amazing
And I can spend it all with you

So, tonight I learned a few things while hanging out with Anjali. She may not even realize she had me thinking as hard about the things she said as I actually am. She probably has no clue. But as we were hanging out she started talking about loneliness... her friend group... how summer has been utterly slow for her. How she can't wait to go back to college even though she'll miss her family.

It really got me thinking. I'm not the only one feeling alone. I'm not the only one feeling as if I have no one. I'm not being alone, alone. It made me feeling sympathetic.... mostly because I'd known exactly how she's been feeling.

This summer has been the longest yet. If compared to last summer, so much has changed. I mean, what did I expect? To move back and everything be just as it was last summer? I knew things would be different, but they're just SO MUCH MORE DIFFERENT than I thought. Angel just had a BABY. Like, my old time partner in crime, was now a mother. She now has a whole nother world to take care of. A whole nother life.

Justin doesn't live in Globe this summer. I dont know if he just didn't want to, or because living arrangements going from here to there were going to be more difficult if he moved back. I really don't know. I just know last summer he was completely in love with me, and by the way he texts me, he still is. But he has a girl friend now. And we did hangout last weekend. And if I hadn't gotten so ****** up on edibles, I could've paid more attention to him.

Other friends? Well, I don't really have any other friends. I have some family. That counts, kind of. There's kass and dominic, but they both live an hour and fifteen minutes away. And I mean, there's Kahlia. She's sweet and she says she trusts me so much, but like, will she answer if I call crying and broken? I just feel like she has so many other friends.

I wish I had a friend right now. This summer. A summer friend. Ya know? Someone to come with me even if it's just to put gas? Someone to eat nachos with? The more I talk about this, the more I think of Trevor. He was my summer friend at the beginning of the summer, until he moved. I wish I would've appreciated him more. I wish I had him back in globe because I seriously have no one to hangout with. I miss him so much. It's bringing me to tears thinking about this honestly. Noah too. We hungout at the beginning of summer and now when I need him, he's MIA. I give boys a little more leeway just because they're boys and they're not gonna be texting all the time, or bugging to hangout, but I wish they would. Jeremy made an effort for about a week to hangout with me, and now we hardly talk again.

Is something wrong with me? Do people get tired of me? Why don't I ******* have friends anymore? Why doesn't Daniel like me anymore?

Daniel. Yeah. I'm not sure if I'm crazy, or he's a ****. Either way I'm heart broken. He doesn't want me and now I have to block on twitter everything because my feelings are hurt, but that's just more of a reason for me to seem ******. Ugh. Maybe I am ******.

SUMMER MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ****

****.
I drank too much whiskey.
I feel so dizzy and I want to get sick.
But my body won't let me.
I hungout with an old high school friend
and we drank and smoked and listened to good *** music.
It was fun.
I went to the gas station afterwards to buy cigarettes and two older men in a car were checking me out. That was uncomfortable.
I had too much.
I need to sleep.
And I miss my boyfriend.
I'm sorry, I'm drunk.

Two am on that chill summer night,  
We hungout for the first time since our part.
Words were said,  and screams were yelled,
But the silence was always more loud.
I could never bring my heart to speak to you, because your lips spoke dishonesty.  
My head always knew that, but my soul could never believe that.
That night while we were laying in bed, nobody was home.  
I looked at you and you looked at me,
I actually let you peek into my eyes,
because for once I wanted you to see my soul,
I wanted to see yours.  
I wanted our silence to be stopped. 
 Your lips spoke to me, as did your touch,
Fireworks illuminated in my heart, we both felt it.  
Laying there we both stayed scared. I could feel it, so could you.
We talked,  but then silence came above us again.
I established my head on his chest,
I could feel his heartbeat following the rythm of a fast drum.
His breath was restless, as was mine.  
Our souls contemplated one another and we knew we were wrong all along.
We both stayed silent,
It was always louder than our words. 
 As dawn was approaching us, we knew this night wouldn't last for ever.
It wasn't two am anymore or a chill summer night.  It was time we faced reality,  
our eyes spoke the truth,
our hearts felt the ache,  
our breath yearn for each other, but our lips spoke nothing. 
 Silence never spoke so loud.  
We pretend like it was okay,
 That time wasn't on our side,  but in reality,  
we both knew time is always there until we let it slip away.
That's what we did.  
Time left and so did we.
Our silence screamed and so did our souls everytime we crossed paths,
which is  often.
our silence knew more than us, that it was never supposed to end like this.

It's not enough to rhyme so I break the very fabric of time to tell you,

stop calling yourself odd


because I'm bronze


in comparison to those drunk off gold..
.
To each his own !
.
.
.
.
Let's melt metal
.
create a tea kettle

be healthy and understand we were the first who settled. (To discover)

then beat up Christoper Columbus after that hungout with Americus,
.
.
only to conclude it with me and you seeing how they've built the pyramids....

Go hangout with that friend you haven't hungout with in years, you won't be in high school forever. Go to that party that you thought would be trouble, the memories will last forever. Date that boy you thought was going to hurt you, you will learn from his mistakes.

   Don't just sit in your room all day and be sad about nothing. At this age there isnt much to be sad about. Live now, you only get one life. Don't let the scars weigh you down. Move forward. We all have a chance at life, make it the best you can. I can **** straight tell you being alone all the time and being sad about nothing wont get you anywhere. Its not too late , start now.

He was just a boy she worked with
who made her lose her breath
every time he looked at her.
She was a girl that he couldn't
help but kiss,
the first time they hungout.

They spent hours together,
days,
then years and
they fell in love,
made love
and created love.