I made space for you. Here
just under my collar bone and
between the gloopy lobes of lung.
I cracked open the bony sternum door,
reached in and mucked out the place that
I’ve spent my life filling with hopes and dreams.
When I pulled them out, my
hands came away covered in the
stinking rot of goals unfulfilled; my
wrists burned as the decaying poison of
unmet expectation ate away the flesh there.
I scrubbed the walls of my new empty spot
with the essence of despair and an infusion of apathy tinged
with a hint of resentment. Chemicals so corrosive
that the nerve endings burned
off leaving a sterile, unfeeling space.
I did all that for you.

You died while I was cleaning.
You had gone out, frustrated again
about how I never made time for us to spend
with just each other.
You slammed the door and even as my
hair blew back from my
face with the force of your anger,
I resolved to make a change. I had only just
finished disposing of my toxic waste when a
soft-sorry knock replaced your slam on the door.
At first I saw the gun on his hip, right next to the flashlight
and under the shade of a doughnut-filled muffin top.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Your heart - it’s dead.’ and then
went on to explain something about a bus and a busy
city street. I couldn’t be sure exactly what he said.
My mind was distracted by the glare of the bright, burning
sunset jumping off the badge on his chest
stabbing me in the eye and
the feeling of numb negative space hanging
off the front of my spine.

tear apart the seams

it’s ok.

i, don’t wanna talk about it.

even looking at the writing i wrote about you makes me feel slightly nauseous , it ...it’s not that i didn’t love you but....

well perhaps it was my fault ,

i don’t know

i don’t know

i thought i loved you. Ok.

and how is it? that one moment i can feel the whole world for you and the next....
it's lightning struck tree all over again.


Do not get me wrong , you inspired me to write and to breathe , you showed me loving myself wasn’t that hard and yet , yet .... you...broke my heart just like aunty said.

you broke it good and well that i didn’t even realize until i was out from under your spell...
  
                                                                  * ~ * ~ * ~

Open my heartspace ,
you were golden in my eyes ~

heavy sits the stone in my chest , cracking as i walk, dropping bits of crystal on the floor, turning to molten liquid scorching the floor with unsaid words and dispelled feelings to seep into
the ocean of bliss

burning the waters to desert residues
in the blink of 3 eyes ,

i saw in you - the flash of brilliance that i know is holy. The kind that could rule the world if, you dared.

But you were too scared ,

i want to explore this world , step out of my comfort zone , feel like i add to the mass of human potential -
not accept my consumer status because it’s simpler ,
i don’t care about public image , i despise whittling myself down for some pre-conceived notion of etiquette, and i can’t stand people seeing they have the power and not taking it.

You are a reason and you have a purpose, we are only here for a short time , this is our chance at something great and i want to share it with you.

I wanted to help you , and maybe that was my mistake.
To make you see yourself through me ,
that you were golden in my eyes
and should think yourself no less.

So i let you in to the secret place , my choice , i don’t regret it, not one bit.
I guess you made me a woman  so to speak. But i don’t think you are any more of a man.

You were a 26 year old boy.

Nor were you anymore of a lover who was soft and fair ,
but you twirled my hair, turned my lips to ashes , sashayed across my hips, tore holes in my skin with your teeth , sneaked kisses on my inner thighs , you danced with my imagination and petted my ego...oh so gently.

I saw a newer version of myself through you ,
and maybe , i just like being adored,
but i would have given everything back. I’m all for fairness
and in some twisted way i hope i hurt you as much as you hurt me, just so you know how it feels, but somehow i think , it was me who ended up with the short straw on this one.

I’m sure there are gaps in your fingers you don’t understand, let alone loving someone, but i hope you get this , your lesson was : Love freely.

And you know , if that makes me stronger and more flexible and if it means that i can bounce back faster , then so be it. I will learn my lessons in time , because i’m shooting for the stars and i intend to be amongst the nebulas that shimmer so well.

And i intend to love with that ferocity again and even more , because i won’t give you that.


Not after i ******* my being in ribbons for you. No. I won’t and i can’t.
I’m worth so much more.
So these tear filled words are as much for me as for you , that i hope one day , someone comes along who can give you what you need to make you happy.



Because i’m *pretty sure i’ve already found mine.

once upon a time
there was
a circle

and it drummed
and it
strummed

and the lump
in
my
throat
the size of a tyrant's
fist
dissolved
into
a pure
white light feeling

and i was a

person

a part of something
not apart
not asunder  
a heartspace coming coming

a star starring

afar
in the distance
guiding my lost feet toward
an oasis
that actually

is

a new start an art of being dreaming awake made

for you

a land of yay to hold in the palm of your hand and
a vibrating tone
resonates in that numb sternum
a tone that
lay
one
shade
away
from the ten thousand and ten whites of the first light
ever lit

Her womb receiving you
again

I got tired of the beating, so I took it out.
that messy red lump of flesh, dripping onto the laminate floor.
thud-thud-thudding even removed
wet meaty smell and sticking to my fingers.
a cavern in my chest echoing through my ribs
miles deep and deep and deep
I'll burn this mortal heart
and cure myself of longing.

hues of (you)
(leave) my heartspace sublime
you continue to paint (me)
in (a)ll of my rhymes
so my sun keeps it’s (shine)
so my Light (i) can find
all our moments (eternally)
(grow) toward the sky
oh our colors (the)y bloom
and my heart becomes (new)
(you) will always be my
true illusion (to) time

I've pruned the edges of my garden, but
when all still wilts, withers, and dies
I plant myself anew.

I pat clods of dirt between the crevices of my ribcage
and nestle a seedling in the cavity
of my heartspace.

Perhaps something lovely
will grow there
someday.

late night street scholars
     smoke green on green trains
sing d-flow & p-funk hymns
with third-eye
         campfire heartspace
effervescent
  enlightenment
of the moon.


All united only
by the time in the most draconian sense
at "2:30am eastern standard time"
       our classroom
be on the 6th train heading uptown.

I saw this happening...

People keep calling me jesus--
     makes me nervous cause
             i'm starting to believe it.

We are all us.

always sorry, I make amends,
to break the slender branches
over and over, anyway;
fall down and sigh,
run away and
I'm so **** scared that everyone will see me
for the frightened child
I never grow out of.

the broken wings
I'd made those aching flight plans for
bled out:
open plain smoke
for seventeen nights,
days,
and the boundary crossings between them.

so, that vast sky,
built of shards and shards and shards,
oppresses, on high,
still, above, ruminating or dwelling,
upon cold response;
like I,
the small thing, on a small rock,
too afraid of heartspace or,
second takes
or,

just,
I'm sorry,
for the ******* I am.