With all my heart I wish I could think with just my brain.
I wish emotions were easily controlled,
Like the wind
sometimes.
Harness its raw power and turn it into a type of energy that's pure,
Cleansing to the world.

But I guess there are tornadoes,
Who funnel into one destructive force,
Tearing down everything that was supposed to be permanent and leaving behind nothing
except a trail of desolate bareness littered with broken everything.

And then there's the hurricane.
The power and area it covers is immense, effectively covering everything in a dark shadow
and flooding the area.
In the center is the ebony hearth of the storm, the monster swirling around indefinitely,
whispering promises of catastrophe.
And no one is there to stop it,
Because everyone's already evacuated to somewhere more convenient.
Everyone's already moved on,
before the waters could flow and the hurricane could fully develop...


I hate when my heart starts

sk     ip     pi     ng

At the prospects of idealism, for dreams
Are sometimes not the logical choice but what is life without interest?
Disappointment is something I'm used to
In society,
In everyone's expectations,
in myself.


Why is the heart so painful?
Why is something that is so essential to life so easily ripped apart?
Why is mine always leading me in the direction my brain knows is wrong?

A feeling
Is not about who is best
Art
Is not a contest
To insist on a victor
Is an ego that has broken
Showering hate upon the lives
Of hearts that are open*

What may or may not be poetry
Is instead the heart of our family
You commented rather pointedly
About your superior ability
And eloquent verbosity
Most likely derived from history
Of the friends of Neal Cassidy
And other written eccentricity
Yet you forgot your humanity
And instead introduced a monstrosity
An ego steeped in personal vanity
Insisting on being treated royally
Demanding your subjects bow immediately
As you crashed into the sea of tranquility
Planting your flag of superiority
And crushing our words spoken so plainly
But heartfully
Because the letters are unworthy
To one who is challenged emotionally
Unable to live peacefully
Amongst those who wish to learn gratefully
About a craft you have reserved selfishly
For yourself and those you deem to be equally
As adept as yourself in the vagary
Of references you declare to be wholly
Fresh and newly
Minted by your ability
To walk around the cliché so gracefully
While we repeatedly
Use words such as lovely
Or heavenly
Or tearfully
Or holy
So we beg you openly
To understand what is primary
In a place for the novice to publically
Air their emotions unapologetically
And speak candidly
And unconditionally
About how painfully
It is to live freely
In a place so worldly
Where men think judgmentally
******* the life from those who live meekly
And wish to exist thankfully
Amongst those who understand brotherly
Love and who affectionately
Praise those who tenderly
Open their hearts to humanity
Giving mercy
To those without the gifts you egotistically
Bludgeoned us with so artfully
But failing miserably
To impart insightfully
Your wisdom for those who willingly
Would receive daily
Your transcendently
And insightfully
Spoken songs of serenity
But instead you callously
Reminded us unfortunately
That mere man is weakly
Empowered to exist commonly
And instead arrogantly
Cuts the rose greedily
Leaving the thorns sadistically

Happy birthday,
by the way.
I just thought I’d write to you,
since I never really did

It’s been two years now
two complete rotations around the sun
since you died.
I probably think about you every week-
believe it or not,
you changed my whole outlook on life
But I’m sorry to say it didn’t happen until you left.
I think about you every time I leave the house in the morning
I think about how sudden it was
and how that happens every day to all kinds of people
even you.

I think about you every time I say goodbye to anyone
especially if the person I’m saluting is getting into a car
and when I say goodbye
I say it as heartfully as I can
and I hope that maybe they’ll realize that I’m saying
“I love you”
and “please, for the love of god, drive safely.

please.”

all in one word.
Because if I said it openly like that they’d all think I was totally mental.
I’m not mental.
I’m just a lover and a fighter
who lost something he didn’t even think he had the option of losing.

I think about you when I hug
anyone.
because you never know.
  and hugs are not ever worth half-assing.
                       ever.

  So maybe I lied.
and maybe I actually think about you multiple times a day every day of my life.
   not consciously i guess.
      but I can tell you for certain
that your absence is felt
          in one way or another
                      every
                             ­      day
                             of my life.

I wish I could have learned these lessons without losing you.
                        but you went all the same
                                         and here we all are.

             anyways happy birthday.
                          
                             Miss you.

Backtracking towards the Light
oh! Fakir,
brilliant shiny Bright
Neophyte hypnosis, take me In..

oh! Beloved,
fragile tendrils of my desire
heartfully hear me, hear Me..
my heartfelt Prayers,
I do not fear to tread into the highest vapours.

Clandestine Clementine!
not One Breath but Three
times itself, squared.

Blaspheme!
not forsaken, dripping drapes
blindsided, blindly onwards...
not forsaken Sight!
Hear me, Hear Me..
Bless'ed be my Name!

May the heart be but a tide that crashes and recedes upon the shore,
For too is my heart that loves and recedes for never am I truly sure,
Shall upon the beach-floor I lay, to stare upon the graceful sky blue,
And let'st the ocean waves dance, conducted by the wind as it blew,
May'st my heart and tide be but in 'tis haunting dancing trance too,
Shall I be'st but a single soul, yet shall hauntingly only think of two,
At night shall upon my mattress these eyes stares upon thee ceiling,
Praying for bandages that upon 'tis bleeding heart shall be'st sealing,
For mornings shall I breathe the blossoming air and graceful scents,
Inevitably, I pass faithful monuments where thy presence still sense,
Some days may I, a wandering journey amongst the pouring rain,
Realizing what greatsome throne hath lostfully and heartfully reign,
And too shall I realized that had I really nothing I could really do,
May'st it be but faithful denial for  inevitably shall we say a' dieu,
And shall upon such pure loving hearts, shall greatsome hatred dye,
As what once love shall take a lonesome breathe and inevitably die,
May'st the grace of her maiden once again cross my lonesome sight,
But until then, shall'st I take my leave and abandon 'tis haunting site.

It was a cloudy sky
Drizzle had just stopped softly
On this enchanting evening, I was lined lucky
As there was an ugly beggar who deserved care, swiftly

I stopped my car before that hotel
where sometime I used to visit for coffee
during my return from office, to home to dwell
Being pose area, side of it were shops selling toffee

I gone straight to that beggar
Enquired what he may desire to eat
He was holding one bit of an used cigar
Face to face, he was not willing to meet

I used to treat deserving beggar with food of his choice
Someone will ask for a particular dish
But this man didn't even raised his voice
Repeatedly I failed when I tried to ascertain his wish

Finally the shopkeeper guided and coded
saying he wanted only a matchbox to light his cigar
When I tried hard to get, every shopkeeper just eluded
As the increased anti-tobacco canvassing had worked clear

The beggar rejected money as well any dish
His world gets filled with just a matchbox
He stood firm and let me only to pish
As I too never keep such item in my toolbox

He loitered and left the place, helpless
Upset with this, I too lost my interest to eat
I also left without eating, as I became useless
Even in bed, with this thought, I felt my heartbeat

I get delighted to treat deserving beggars, stomachful
Or else with alms, to their handful
But above failure led me sorrowful
As I could not be fairly useful

It is the beggar who gives me a chance to serve
Of course, I had heartfully attempted and offered
Altogether, I sincerely strained everyone of my nerve
But he neither cared my efforts nor allowed to be adored

This miserable failure mows me miserably for the past two years
More so, whenever I used to cross that place every day
True to say, my eyes were about to cloud with tears!
What woes remain more for my heart to say?


Copyrights reserved

Friendship is sometimes not physically evident,
            -- but heartfully definite.

I have tears and pain, and now my loss is another's gain...
You fooled me to believe you loved me...
I not knowing and failed to see...
You had me under lock and key, and now you set me free...
You were the love of my life...
The one I dreamed of each night...
Every "I love you" was heartfully meant...
All the roses and sentimentals I sent...
All my butterflies are now dead...
They were crushed, now it's hurt instead...
Your happiness is an addiction for me...
If he is what you want, then so let it be...
My feelings, they have crumbled apart...
Until I find that someone, to mend the pieces of my broken heart...

You prepared the soil, brought us to life, and nurtured us!

The seed was heartfully sewn,
And the wheat has prospered and grown.

You tended to us gently, speaking of our future,
And we caressed you, lovingly, each day.

Now, you look upon us with disinterest…
Harvesting is too much work?

Each day there is less sun,
And we feel the first frost coming on!

Where are you?  Where is your spirit?
YOU planted the seed and we grew for you!

Why have you forsaken us?
We see you each day, standing, looking anywhere
   but here.

Why do you forgo the reaping?
We join you in your distant weeping.

We trusted you from first touch to earth…
From first rain to first peak of sun.

Why is the bond between us waning?
YOU, alone, hold the key to our fate.

The grain cradle sits idle and we fear our
   destiny.
Do you not recall your words of encouragement all
   summer long?

The wind picks up and chills,
The snow --it comes and kills.

You prepared the soil, brought us to life, and nurtured us!
What did we do to displease you?

–to suffer from your eternal and infinite indifference?

(written on day PLUS 89)

I lost count on how many times I said
"I will cut my wrist no more"
Yet as long as I'm living, I'm feeling dead.
I can't stop myself longing for the sore.
-
The harder I try to reach for the light,
The deeper I sink down the abyss.
I often ask myself if it's worth the fight.
How I wish I could handle this with ease.
-
A pen or a blade could kindle the flame.
Both are fire starters inside my freezing heart.
Melting the ice or crushing it's the same.
Either will eventually hurt my heart.
-
Behind the words that I heartfully write,
Are bunch of emotions concealed and chained.
May this way set my stairways to the light,
Or atleast keep my longsleeves from being stained.