I guess I should start off by telling you all, my name is a secret, which shouldn't matter anyways, because it would be nothing special with out the secrets. You can all call me, X, and my lover, O, which is ironic because I've never really kissed her. Oh that's another thing: I'm a lesbian who has seemed to lock herself up in the closet and can't find the key in the dark. I'm writing this now, because if I don't I think it might **** me. Maybe not the pops-pills or puts-a-gun-to-my-head kinda way but in the way where my heart is shattered and drops down into the pit of my stomach. The kind of **** me where I drink for the rest of my life every tuesday because that's when you would get drunk too and tell me you love me. Oh this is the worst part everybody: I'm in love with a straight girl who happens to be my best friend. I swear it didn't start out like this, but I dreamt of her one night when I was sick. She came to me in the middle of the night dressed in white silk and softly caressed my cheek. The next morning I had to text her, to see her words. She loved me too, for the first year. And I did a lot of thimgs wrong and hurt her so much, it cost me her love. See, she would hold my hand and press her head into my neck. We would lie on the roof and watch the stars fade and I'd draw gallaxies on her palm and plant kisses on her collar bone. Sometimes we'd both cry for the love of each other. I'd write her a song and she'd tell me whe couldn't live without me. Even with other people around, her hand would slip under the blankets and try to memorize my fingerprints. Then things started to change, because she started to talk to guys, which is normal for a 15 year old girl. So I would cry myself to sleep and get drunk and send her mean text messages about how she hurt me and I hated the boys who got to see her green eyes so close and place their hands on her hip because she didn't do that with me anymore so she musn't love me as she said. Ill be honest with you, I broke the girl I love. As the years passed, we faced so many hardships that I lost count. I was getting better at hold my feelings inside, its not like it was her fault, I never told her that I loved her. I began to feel her slip away from me, which was a peculiar feeling because she had always held on so tight, so I'd get her drunk and tell her that I missed her so she'd let me hold her and in the morning I'd fake a headache and pretend it was the tequila talking. After a year of mostly self inflicted depression, I began to heal. Set boundaries for myself. I could go hours at a time without thinking of her name. She saw more boys, she had ***. The whole time she would tell me about it I had to hold my hands behindymy back to hide their shaking and swallow the bile rising from my throat. I hurt, but it got easier. I would slowly fade out of her life everytime she struck up a new fling because it was so obvious to me that she didn't need me anymore and I was just a burden. I began to let go of my anger when we'd be sitting in the car with her half listening to me when I was talking, with her phone glued to her hamd, texting her boy. After awhile I learned to be comfortale with the silence.she's leaving for college soon, and me being a year older, I'm just the stay-in-your-home-town **** up that I always knew I would be, even with all the scholarships lined up and my parents willing to shell out thousands to let me pursue my dreams. I'm not gonna lie to you.. I flunked my algebra 2 class on purpose because I couldn't bare the thought of leaving her, even if she was happy to see me go. She knows I love her, maybe just not in what way because I can't help my self sometimes and I have to tell her that she's beautiful or that her eyes remind me of galaxies and her smile of sunsets. But I don't think she truly knows. As I said, shes going to college soon and even though its only two hours away, I know this is it. The last months of our friendship. You see, I won't be able to party with her on the weekends and watch her lock the doors of foreign bedrooms with a guy clinging to her waist. I used to think I was a terrible person for wanting to leave her like this but I honestly think its the best way. This is the time of her life when she'll be making life long friends, she won't need me. I can honestly say that ill miss her smile and her laugh and the way she breathes. Ill miss her shoulder blades, and her bad jokes, and her sass. Ill miss her warmth. But I will live. I'm not good enough for her.. could never provide correctly or give her our own children. Ill be the first to admit that I'm filled with flaws, I'm not beautiful, and I probably wouldn't love me either, I just need this page to keep me sane. You see, she knows of all my other accounts on here but now I'm just X. I like being X, its a nice letter. I'm so sorry I've bored you with my life story, I'm just confused on why I hate myself when I have so much love to give, so this is me coping. Imwant you to know that everytime I write it'll probably be about her. If you've read this whole thing to the bottom, then thank you for listening, it honestly means a lot.
