Now there's too much to handle, so I'll let my mind meander,
Taking a moment to rack my brain for the kind of wisdom
That only years of failure can achieve, the kind I'm too cowardly
To allow myself to discover. Growth and peace do not come easy
In a world that slowly poisons the mind with a false sense of urgency.

I've let myself imagine what I would do with power
To rival the great gods of ancient times- simpler times,
But the gods seldom used their abilities toward benevolent ends.
Would I ruin others lives to fulfill my selfish endeavors?
Such questions echo in my head, tantamount to denying denial.

Walking under the trees reminds me of the possibility of deep sleep.
Listening to the forest whisper secrets through their branches,
Privy to all their knowledge and comforted by their strength,
I envy their solidarity and salute to their resilience, contrasting
My surrender to insomnia, depositing sand under my eyes like graves.

Feeling small makes me recall the days when I was the apple
Of my father's eye, innocently promising to never disappoint him. Now,
A disappointment-tainted smile greets me, both the Snake and the fruit.
Clinging to an empty shell of memories equally treasured and torturing,
I'm made aware that we also let down the people who never held much hope.

For a short time I thought that love grew from letting a person
Take everything I could give. Having out grown such dangerously
Low self esteem, I'm left still wondering how others are able
To sustain long term companionships of shared trust and intimacy.
I admire them from my window, for so long lonesome until recently.

I stubbornly believe that ***** and books take the cake when
Escaping from bottled up feelings too complicated to express
In coherent stanzas with the hope that one day someone will understand.
Until then, I'll dance dazed to music turned all the way up
In an attempt to blare out the ugliness of the past always pressing in.

یقینوں کی سرحد، سوالوں سے آگے
گمانوں سے اوپر، خیالوں سے آگے
حقیقت کی پہچان باطن سے جاگے
دلیلوں سے بالا، حوالوں سے آگے
مری سوچ کی جس جگہ انتہا ہے
جلایت سماوی، تپش منتہیٰ ہے
ذرائع ، وسیلے، نشاں, استعارے
قدم دو قدم ساتھ چلتے سہارے
سبھی راستوں پر توکل زمینیں
سبھی گردشوں میں مقابل جبینیں
ہجومِ سلاسل میں قلبِ مجرد
جہاں نہ رسائی ہو ایسی وہ خلوت
وہاں کوئی نفسی، خودی، نہ انا ہے
مری سوچ کی جس جگہ انتہا ہے
وہاں پر خدا ہے، وہاں بھی خدا ہے

ع
۱۰۔۳۔۱۷

The dominion of faith is beyond the line of questions
Above the strata of  probabilities
Ahead of the limits of imaginations
Recognition of truth arises from within
Independent of reasoning and evidence
Unaffected by references and certifications.
Where is the boundary of my awareness?
Heavenly light, infinite candescence  
Resources, means, symbolisms, provenance
Temporary camaraderies and companionships...
On all paths, the ground is made of tawakul
In all circumvolutions, brows are directed centrally
In the swarm of connectivity, the core remains vacant
Where nothing can reach, such is the solitude there
Where there is no person, no self, no ego
Where there is the boundary of my awareness
There is God! There, too, is God.

A
10.3.17

Let me show you that I'm capable of relationships,
companionships,
That I'm capable of caring and opening up.
Im capable of everything you need but I know there's no chance.
I know that you've decided to run away and I know that I've decided to stand and face the truth.
The truth is;
a slap in the face,
a message unread,
feelings unsaid.
The truth hurts and that's because there's no excuse.

Companionships don't see spot or time. It sees association. You can find the closest companions in the most unexpected circumstances and can last longer than those individuals around. In the event that you give it some effort, it very well may be more grounded than love.

So I met Ham through Instagram but I have known him before that through somebody who was important to me at that point. Eventhough I'm not keen on talking about that individual presently, I'm thankful to her for this valuable companionship I got now. Talking about Ham, we're alternate extremes. He's tranquil and I'm loud. He hushes up about his contemplations and I expresses my genuine thoughts. But somehow, by one way or another, we became very close friends and he helped me change myself for better. I didn't anticipate meeting somebody like him yet I'm happy that I did.

Unlike the friendships I have had in my past, that was generally during fun, serene and happy occasions, but this, I am blessed with his friendship and support through the rollercoaster phases of me being a struggling individual. It made me a better companion as well. I understood I ought to never address him or persuade him to do what I believe is "correct" on the grounds that I know certain things "better". I simply remain close by and ensure he has my help through his good and bad times, his mistakes, his misfortunes and his successes. Sometimes I do want to prevent him from committing similar mistakes I have made in my past to try not to get hurt. However, being a companion doesn't mean you prevent each other from committing mistakes. It implies you are there for one another when the other individual commit mistakes, tumbles down, and ensure you assist them with getting back up again and gain from their own experiences. It's a similar space and regard he has given me as well. Regardless of what my insane thought or dream was, on the off chance that I trusted in it, he would back me up 100% and with rejuvenating those thoughts and dreams, not even once scrutinizing my capacity or expectation.

To each and every individual who is as yet single out there, my main tip to you is to find a friend that makes you feel as loved and as fulfilled as possible, instead of seeking it in a romantic partner. You will realize that having a friend like that in your life will make you confident, happy and never insecure or afraid to lose whoever you are going to date. Now that is going to attract much healthier relationships towards you. You experience a separation, you will likewise proceed onward without any difficulty with a companion close by who wildly guards and ensures your bliss. Ham's loyalty and support has taught me a lot of things. I never felt desolate or the need to discover somebody just to cause me to feel less forlorn because I already got a friendship that fulfilled me.

Each time I felt low from the past memories despite the fact that I have moved on, Ham advised me that I was deserving of somebody better, due to the manner in which he treats me. In fact, we have always told each other that we will not settle for anyone who can’t treat us the way we deserve to be treated. We continue to prioritize our companionship because they are important especially when you start your own life. This is a scared part of my life that I fiercely protect and cherish, that will keep me warm and sane as I keep moving forward through life.

Nothing makes me more joyful than seeing Ham doing better and happy, and witnessing him achieve all his dreams. There were times when I considered him brutally honest and maybe a touch of maddening espacially when he goaded me to explore new things when I wasn't even sure. But I realised that those very characteristics were the qualities that made him the close friend of mine. A companion, a woman would actually want.

And, to Ham, I can just say "Thank You" for being quite a valuable blessing in my life, for improving my life for making my life better and brighter in so many ways, everyday. To many more years growing and exploring life. Cheers!