The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I splashed myself with cold water, and walked over to my dollhouse kitchen to make a cup of hot green tea in my favorite green ceramic mug. I cut myself avocados, laid them across my toast, and sprinkled it with pepper. My brother was still asleep, his covers crumpled under half his body and a leg hanging off the edge. He was dreaming of his favorite thing about the previous day, and that made me smile, as I tucked him back under the protection of his blanket.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love.
Not once, but many times. Not with one person, but with multiple. I fell in love with my mom and the way she looked like the happiest woman in the world when she laughed at us, and how from sitting behind her in the car it looked as if she was always smiling because her cheekbones were so high. I fell in love with the way she wiped her eyes with the top of her wrist, as the steam and aroma from the hot food she cooked, floated upwards. I fell in love with my dad and the way he walked through the backyard, moving his hands around as he played out important discussions in his head. I fell in love with my brother and the way he tried to talk to us about CNN news at over the dinner table every night. I fell in love with the way he would impatiently say my name as his eyes lit up, wanting to tell me something that excited him, or that he found funny. I fell in love with a little girl I caught dancing with her sister outside 85, on the way back from my math class. I fell in love with the curly-haired boy in my English class my freshman year, who sheepishly told me he switched back and forth from British and American accents from time to time, because it was just something that was a part of him. I fell in love with my best friend and the way she got so passionate about the importance of history and what she learned from her AP history class, over a Skype call after midnight. I fell in love with everyone I ever met, and saw them as entire galaxies, complex and burning bright yet simple at the same time. Because people are beautiful. People are beautiful.

The morning after I killed myself, I recognized kindness.
I recognized it when there were more than one million words in the English language to choose from, but every time, my neighbors chose the kindest ones. I recognized it in the mother I saw sitting outside the café on a bench, running her elegant fingers through her teenage daughter’s hair, who was telling her about her worries. I recognized it when a homeless lady gave another homeless man all the money she had made that day, simply because he had a daughter to feed. I found kindness in my friend when she ran to the Starbucks across the street to comfort a woman she did not know who was crying after her autistic son had a tantrum.

The morning after I killed myself, I took a walk.
I sauntered along the street, and I saw the bright green leaves of the sugar gum trees, that in a few months would turn gold and orange. The birds were chirping their warbling melodies, and the cool air was feeding my lungs. The sun was still rising, and the sky had a little bit of orange in one corner, and a little bit of pink in another. I sat down on the bleachers of my school, and waited for the sunrise to unfold.

The morning after I killed myself, I held my beautiful grandma’s hands.
I felt how small and cold they were, but what warmth they still preserved as her fingers tightly held mine. My fingers grazed the top of fists, the bumpy veins giving them a delicate texture. I saw the four golden bangles she had never taken off of her left wrist, and I wondered how many dishes those hands had washed, how many clothes they had folded, and how many meals they had made.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched a live symphony.
I sat dazed, in view of the wine-red instruments in front of me, from the contented mold of my chair. I listened to the beautiful wavelengths of sound being produced right in front of me, the music creating my sanctuary. The conductor created the loudest expression of music on stage, despite making no sound. His arms waved as wildly as the sea, but was no less graceful than an ebbing tide. I looked at the depth of the basses, the elegance of the cellos, the poise of the violins, and the dignity of the viola. The fingers of the cellists slid up and down, the strings undulating with every phrase. A pulse was beating within my own veins, and as long the piece lasted, I was the music.

The morning after I killed myself, I looked in the mirror.
I saw my almond-shaped eyes, and how my eyelashes outlined them perfectly. I saw the vertebrae of my spine, and how they looked like a line of marbles, across my back. I saw the curls on the top of my head that I’d hated when I was younger, because they stuck out as if I had my own atmosphere around my head. I saw my knuckles, and how they separated into mountains and valleys. I saw the beauty mark on my left ankle, and the dimple that formed when I smiled. I looked in the mirror, and I finally fell in love with what I saw.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to get back.
I tried to talk sense into a girl who had made a horrible mistake. I told her about the avocados, and the valleys and mountains that appeared every time she crumpled her fists. I told her about how beautiful her mom was when she laughed, and how warm it felt to hold her grandma’s hands. I told her about how her brother said he always dreamt about his favorite thing about the previous day, and how her friends had so much kindness in them. I told her about the green leaves scattered over the ground, and the pink parts of sunsets. I told her about the orchestra where she would find peace, and the shy boy who switched accents.

May your tea be just the right temperature when you take a sip, and may you happen to glance through the window just when the rays of light are falling perfectly. May you lock eyes with someone just as they send you a warm smile, and may you turn on the radio just as your favorite song starts. May you love the ink pen you pick up, as it glides across paper smoothly, and may you pick up a novel to read that changes your thoughts on something important.

When you look into the mirror, do you not see the newborn stars behind your eyes?
Do you not feel the weight of your own ancient gaze?
My, oh, my.
When I kiss you, I taste pine. I taste forests I have never seen, I taste water so cold that my teeth ache.
The forest floor fills my lungs with sweet, safe decay.
Sweet and safe. In your arms, I am safe.
I am a shipwreck and you are the ocean floor. You are vast and it is here, among your shifting sands, that I rest, that I find peace.
You smell of the happy parts of my childhood.
“Honey, I'm home.”
“Baby girl.”
“You are a gift.”
You are a gift.
I'm sorry that I'm crying again. I'm sorry that I don't know when I will stop.
Am I tangible at night? I hope to never become a cloud in front of you. I hope to never float away.
I know that I will stay.
You are a gift.
When I kiss you, I am swimming. The water is cool, the water is clear, the water is deep.
I do not fear that I might drown.
Your hands could mend mountains.
Your hands.
Strong, but so careful, so kind.
Your hands could salvage seas.
Your hands.
You glow with the misty light of dreams.
You radiate light.
You radiate light.
You radiate light.
It pours from your eyes.
From your heart.
Do you not see the stardust that falls from your skin?
A walking nebula.
And I am your newborn star.
Your shipwreck.
Your river.
I am yours, simply and truly.
Glass people dance in the deserts.
Warmth fills the air around them.
I think of these glass people when I miss you.
I think of their freedom.
I think of your eyes.
The newborn stars.
You. A walking nebula, and you don't even know it. You don't even know it.
I look for you all the time. It's silly, and irrational. But I do.
I look for you everywhere.
When I kiss you, I taste molten rock. I taste heat and debris and controlled chaos. Beautiful restraint.
I taste time in the form of an hourglass. Sand.
But not clocks. Never clocks.
You are a gift.
I look for you everywhere.
Your hands.
Your hands are cellists, my heart is your cello.
A walking nebula, and you don't even know it.
You don't even know it.

Adamant, nocturnal dalliance
Egregious, insidious, velvet ambiance

An unyielding, dark but brief love affair
The flagrant, seductive and comely au pair

The Eclectic, unmatched, Androgynous Circus
Red devils, black sheep and felines in service

Contortionists, gypsies, and malevolent magicians
All twisting to a dance played by faceless musicians

A night in Tunisia or a place above the Siene
Where else but all in the shadows of dreams?

Enchanted, redolent wonder of festive illumination    
Her eyes absorbed, glimmering in the lush captivation

Enveloping, engulfing silk around our bodies
Days, nights measured by tragic commodities

Arpeggios, rippling across glistening string inventions
Bowing cellos; cellists bowing with audience permission

Masks, costumes, carnivals and the golden mirror
Cerulean dripping limbs that slither while near her

The alabaster piano played by a three-armed puppet
The statues turn and welcome us for a crumpet

Maria Callus sings Ave Maria backwards then stops
The statues and demons laugh while playing with props

“This requiem for the living, begins with a kiss”
The statues said in a tone of voice I could not resist.

“Our overture shall be a ******, a nail in the coffin; a death.
All while you swallow the nectar on your lover’s last breath.”


Needles protruded my head
And I watched as my love was torn
Limb from limb
While the jackals and ballroom guests
Fornicated on the spilled blood and guts
I cried and they cheered as the lights dimmed
For All I could see was the sight of them leave
Into the darkness.
But the noises were as loud as ever as hands
And digits groped my body.
Moaning voices and rhythmic thrusting
And tongues in my ear
And teeth gnawing on my neck
Pain felt, endured, experienced
Then
I was released into the middle of the scarlet draped room
When the phlegm of ****** fluids whipped into a dried crust

A sharp edge stabbed me in the back of the neck
Running along my back, through my spine, down my skin and ending in my ******.
Mechanical hands ripped apart my skin  
I slid out of my flesh like a serpentine ******.
I stood there
shaking from the excruciating, unfathomable pain
the grid and design of my muscular system bare and seen.  

From the pieces of my departed lover,
the master with the many mechanical hands
slathered the slips
and sleeves of her skin onto my own.

Needles and thread went to work.
The puppet master sewed.
The healing plasma
the drying blood
the encapsulating tears lubricated my whole

Once he was finished, I was dunked into a pool of clear gelatin.

For hours I soaked and became whole again.
Then I rose and I was dressed
the finest garments, from across the globe.
I sat once again at the table where the statues invited me.
The musicians, the magicians, the demons, gypsies, masks and serpents
Watched and gleamed
while I sipped my tea

I out spread my fingers.

Layers of skin and stitches

No more hair.
No more nails.
Not just a regular face
but one all shall remember.

I was born as one

Then made from many

In the imminence of zealous devils in my wake
Of the attrition I have forsake

Now as the curtain rose and the spider-silk strings hoisted me up on stage
The master showcased my story to all whoever wished to engage

“Adamant, nocturnal dalliance
Egregious, insidious, velvet ambiance

An unyielding, dark but brief love affair
The flagrant, seductive and comely au pair

The Eclectic, unmatched, Androgynous Circus
Red devils, black sheep and felines in service

I am Vincent Andromeda
Your Strangelove phenomena.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every New Year's Eve, my family and I receive friends and acquaintances at a formal (dinner jacket) party.

A few ladies come dressed in trousers. When once I was asked my preference as to how a lady should be dressed for such occasion, and I responded "dressed with a skirt," the person called my decision one worthy of a dinosaur.

May I ask, please, is there a formula to indicate how a lady should be attired?

GENTLE READER: What you are asking for is trouble.

Mind you, Miss Manners thoroughly agrees that it is a shame that many ladies no longer really dress up, even for gala occasions.

She has noticed an odd trend in the last decade or so. It used to be that gentlemen groused about wearing dinner jackets and tried to get away with less, or with some funny variation, while ladies wore serious evening dresses. Now she still sees unmatched couples, but more often the gentlemen in conventional evening dress, while the ladies are austerely attired in plain black silk trousers with perhaps a bright jacket.

This is perhaps a skewered view, because Miss Manners is speaking of private formal dinners and parties, not charity ***** honoring some designer, and not award ceremonies. But she sees this even among those few who still have some formality in their lives — and who would not therefore consider it a one-time waste to invest in evening clothes.

For that matter, orchestras commonly comprise properly dressed males while the females, for whom one black dress (or, for cellists, perhaps the festive trousers known as palazzo pajamas) would be a working uniform, wear informal black outfits.

Miss Manners recognizes that life has been getting increasingly informal. Nevertheless, she notices that the resulting hunger for more style — or just an occasional change — breaks out at proms and weddings, often with peculiar results.

So she is in sympathy with your wish. All the same, she knows that indignation and derision are the inevitable reactions to any attempt to discuss, let alone mandate, dress.

Changing fashion, comfort and self-expression will all be cited, and Miss Manners does not deny that these are factors worthy of consideration. But it is not that hard to satisfy all three within the different general standards that apply to different occasions. That Miss Manners happens to prefer skirts to trousers does not prevent her from looking suitably informal (not to mention fetching) at picnics.

Nevertheless, issuing any directive other than the conventional "black tie" (or "white tie") will just annoy people, who will ignore it anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen holiday cards where a friend has put a slash through her printed name on the sign-off.

read more:http://www.marieaustralia.com

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