"aff" poems
Every day
I'd see them headin aff
in that clapped oot old banger.
He'd nivver get it looked at -
thocht it'd run
on positive energy and a kind word.
If that were true
my fower year apprenticeship
and six year in the garage
wouldny be worth ocht, would it?
But would he come tae me?
He would not.
There they'd go -
the exhaust gruntin lik a vexed rhinoceros
an the fan-belt scraichin lik a banshee.
Ah couldae sorted that in unner an hour.
Ah seen him workin on it wance, mind -
thocht he wis fin'ly gonny change thae bald tyres
But naw,
he wis paintin' ****** flooers on the bonnet!
Ah kin see them yet.
Headin up the hill,
weans in the back,
cloods ae black smoke pechin oot the pipe.
Ah couldae fixed it.
Ah couldae telt them.
But ah didnae.
An they nivver made it hame.
Feb 23, 2011
Feb 23, 2011 at 5:06 AM UTC
Last May a braw wooer cam down the lang glen,
And sair wi’ his love he did deave me;
I said there was naething I hated like men:
The deuce *** wi ‘m to believe me, believe me,
The deuce *** wi ‘m to believe me.
He spak o’ the darts in my bonie black een,
And vow’d for my love he was diein;
I said he might die when he liked for Jean:
The Lord forgie me for liein, for liein,
The Lord forgie me for liein!
A weel-stocked mailen, himsel for the laird,
And marriage aff-hand, were his proffers:
I never loot on that I ken’d it, or car’d,
But thought I might hae waur offers, waur offers,
But thought I might hae waur offers.
But what *** ye think? in a fortnight or less,
(The deil tak his taste to *** near her!)
He up the lang loan to my black cousin Bess,
Guess ye how, the jad! I could bear her, could bear her
Guess ye how, the jad! I could bear her.
But a’ the niest week I fretted wi’ care,
I gaed to the tryste o’ Dalgarnock,
And wha but my fine fickle lover was there,
I glowr’d as I’d seen a warlock, a warlock.
I glowr’d as I’d seen a warlock.
But owre my left shoulder I *** him a blink,
Lest neibors might say I was saucy;
My wooer he caper’d as he’d been in drink,
And vow’d I was his dear lassie, dear lassie,
And vow’d I was his dear lassie.
I spier’d for my cousin fu’ couthy and sweet,
Gin she had recover’d her hearin,
And how her new shoon fit her auld shachl’t feet—
But, heavens! how he fell a swearin, a swearin,
But, heavens! how he fell a swearin.
He begg’d, for gudesake, I *** be his wife,
Or else I *** **** him wi’ sorrow:
So e’en to preserve the poor body in life,
I think I maun wed him to-morrow, to-morrow,
I think I maun wed him to-morrow.
3k
Ye banks and braes o’ bonnie Doon,
How can ye bloom sae fair!
How can ye chant, ye little birds,
And I sae fu’ o’ care!
Thou’ll break my heart, thou bonnie bird
That sings upon the bough;
Thou minds me o’ the happy days
When my fause Luve was true.
Thou’ll break my heart, thou bonnie bird
That sings beside thy mate;
For sae I sat, and sae I sang,
And wist na o’ my fate.
Aft hae I roved by bonnie Doon
To see the woodbine twine,
And ilka bird sang o’ its love;
And sae did I o’ mine.
Wi’ lightsome heart I pu’d a rose
Frae aff its thorny tree;
And my fause luver staw the rose,
But left the thorn wi’ me.
2.3k
*tick all applicable
please use blue or black blood
when exercising choice
in the type of role applied for*
Liberation [✓]
Vindication [✓]
Resignation [✓]
Transformation [✓]
*do you recognise yourself
as belonging to a Demographic
Of Brotherhood.
Of Commonality
to other hurting spirits*
Hope without creases [ ]
Hope, in spite of bruising [✓]
Train without brakes [ ]
A tunnel bricked at each end [ ]
Forest fire as result of
volatile conditions
and negligent spark [✓]
*do you accept that the data you provide
not only reveals everything you would
sacrifice and be sacrificed for
it
also
counts
for
n· o· t· h· i· n· g*
Jul 26, 2016
Jul 26, 2016 at 6:32 AM UTC
englishman....one's wife's rather stupid,as thick as one could be,thinks wales is part of england,and some are in the sea.jock....ma womans thick as shite,rite aff her ****** noodle,she took ma rottie fer a walk,an came back wi a poodle.paddy....oi'l be ye all,witt out a doubt,moi missus is da tickest,das ever bin about,she went out for a hen night,somwher near caerphilly,she had ten condoms in her bag,and has'nt got a *****
Feb 23, 2010
Feb 23, 2010 at 12:04 PM UTC
Ah didny recognise him fae the eulogy.
The meenister'd nivver met the lad, Ah could see.
A hero? Aye, mibbe. Jist a name tae maist ay these fowk.
But ah kent im as a boay,
the daft wee scapegoat, ayewis in boather,
but nae real hairm in im.
He wis the lad wha'd get skelped, the noise
makkin the teacher turn is heid
jist in time tae spot im skelpin back.
Mairched tae the heidie again.
"Yir a bad lot, Barry.
Yir faither wis a bad lot too."
Puir Baz.
Da in the jile,
Ma aff her face on smack,
an him, daft, funny, doomed.
If onybody at hame had cared enough
tae keep the schuil photies,
they'd have shown a wee freckly laddie
wi a too-open grin,
year eftir year,
jersey gettin tattier,
teeth getting gappier,
still grinnin while the rest ay us
were far too cool tae smile for the camera.
Ah liked im.
Didny unnerstaun how the teachers
were sae ***** tae im.
There wis far badder boays in the year.
Ricky ****** Jackson - a nasty, sleekit wee body,
yankin ab'dy's strings.
But his da wis rich
an the teachers fawned ower im.
No Baz, though.
Cannon fodder, richt enough.
Tackin the flack fir the rest ay us.
Exactly the kind ay lad
the ******* Army thrives on.
Ah canny feel the patriotic pride,
canny picture the self-sacrifice,
the heroism.
Ah can juist see im,
daft an grinnin,
daein whit he wis tellt
an gettin killt.
Mind you,
he wis aye headin for the poppies, that yin,
One wey
or anither.
Jun 23, 2013
Jun 23, 2013 at 6:08 AM UTC
Ken a' these auld Scots words,
The wans that we've forgot,
Why are we no using them,
It's because we wernae taught,
At hame wi' mither an fathir,
Speaking all and proper,
First day at school,
Speech becomes a cropper,
All yir mates at school,
Coming oot wi' words like bowff,
Saying them in the hoose,
Yir fathir says watch yir mouth,
Rax me oor the poorie,
As ma grama said to me,
Asking her whit she meant,
Gies the milk jug fir ma tea,
Fab technology today,
Smert phones and iPad,
They missed oot wan thing,
The language o' my grandad,
Skype, that's a new word,
Sounds a bit like Scottish,
Was it tae clip you round the ear hole,
That word should be abolished,
If yir no Scottish,
Rabbie's words are a' daft,
All the words that came out o' him,
That was the man's craft,
Whit aboot these well kent lines,
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Sorry aboot that Rabbie,
Stealing that was totally misplaced,
Oot o' bed on wi' ma baffies,
Tae pit them on I need tae sit doon
Sittin' on the chair wi' ma bahookie,
Missed the chair fawing like a loon,
When yir oot daein the gowf,
And yir breeks are a' in a runkle,
Dinnae be a feart tae tac them aff,
If you've got them in a fankle,
Deekin oot the windae,
Stramash on the doon the road,
Some folk getting a doin',
Ithers getting a carry code,
Polis got there quick enough,
Must have a been a hunner,
Saw the big yin there,
He was the heid ******
The rammy wi the radges
Was just oot side the offie,
Jings crivvens help ma boab,
Some went ben the bothy,
We're all **** Tamson's bairns,
We a' just want tae learn,
We can do it wi' the Scots,
It's a language that we yearn.
Jan 2, 2015
Jan 2, 2015 at 3:45 PM UTC
"Haw! You! Come back here!
Dinny walk aff while ah'm talkin ti ye!
Didjiz no ken we won a fight
a mere sivvin hunner year ago?
Are ye no impressed?"
Flower o' ****** Scotland.
Fighting and dying
for a wee bit hill and glen.
When will we see the like?
Every ****** day
an' Ah'm ******* seek o't.
See when we start lovin and livin
fur a wee bit hill and glen?
Then Ah'll get tae ma feet
an sing.
Jan 14, 2011
Jan 14, 2011 at 9:39 AM UTC
She was a rough dame
Johnny thought
watching her pass by
kind of girl
to take no nonsense
no lip
or give a ear a clip
bust a jaw
and give what for
but there was
an element
of beauty there
the flowing hair
the fine figure
as she walked
the burning eyes
with her backward glance
aff tae Scootlund
she said need
tae gettae wae
nae mair tae say
she said
then was off
with a turn
of her head
and Johnny watched
her go
her firm ***
big *****
***** like
bundled babes
and then out
of sight
like a bold ship
rough riding
in a dark night.
Jun 27, 2015
Jun 27, 2015 at 12:09 PM UTC
I'm a ciabatta, fresh and nice
Hot, pleasant, with a lovely spice
I'm to die for, a mouthwatering vault
Though, some take me with a grain of salt
I'm not your ordinary loaf of bread
"You're an odd bun," society said
Though every recipe has a flaw
Those flaws still make people awe
They're what make me who I am
A little over spicy but sweet like jam
I'm my own recipe, which I uniquely cook
With imperfections that are easy to overlook
Try to break me for my mess-ups; laugh
But remember, broken loaves are still tasty aff c:
Every slice a perfect dedication to the whole
It's natural, built into my beautiful soul
With lovely curves raised to imperfect perfection
An aura that fills the room in every direction
A welcoming presence that invites everyone
Come and gather, we'll all have fun!
I'm a hearty bun with a heart of bread
A soft and warm one that leaves love in its stead
I love making friends, they fill me with glee
But you're special, so you can call me Panini 🥪
Jul 13, 2016
Jul 13, 2016 at 12:36 PM UTC
1: Ah’m the Boss Man. Me.
2: Dinna ****** swear.
3: Go tae Church. OR ELSE.
4: Mind yer lip wi the Auld Dear.
5: Nae ******
6: Keep yer hauns tae yersel.
7: Whit isna yairs, isna yairs. Dinna forget.
8: Dinna fit nae ****** up fir whit they didna dae.
9: Keep yir ehs aff her nixt door…
10: …an yir ehs aff thir gear, as well.
Mind now!
Jan 21, 2013
Jan 21, 2013 at 2:58 PM UTC
Aye in time we hear yer callin',
Yer mucket words o' the mairn fallin'.
Ah see yer schemes, laid gipet an cal,
Yer feverish plots ah see em ahl.
So Aff ma hinkin an aff my ma back min,
Av geet yer bags ye sees av packed em.
Awa we ye poison flooer,
Tae rubbled ruin, yer cairn nae moor.
Yes in time we hear your calling,
Your soiled words of morning falling.
All your schemes, laid childish and cold,
Your feverish plots i see them all.
So leave my thoughts and leave my back man,
I have your bags, you see ive packed them.
Away with you you poison flower,
To rubbled ruin, your mountain no more.
May 18, 2016
May 18, 2016 at 10:48 AM UTC
A misst ye sae muckle.
'tis achin' me ****** heart sae fragile.
Come wi's me, will ye nay.
Tae me shore o'er the ocean a' say.
Auld as time yet radiant.
Dancin' a fling me, cold and patient.
Ol' green cabres, leaves fallin' aff
On me shore, ye nay in sight.
Before th' auld red hoose a' stood still.
A glimpse o' sun o'er the ocean shinin' on me still.
Ye, nay in sight.
Me, seeking fae light.
A' sae misst ye, me heart.
Ye took yer path tae part.
Jan 13, 2011
Jan 13, 2011 at 6:08 PM UTC
This is where we met,
said Lindsay, this cafe,
Kirsteen over by that
window seat, eyes down,
holding a cup of coffee,
thin fingers around it,
I eyed her, at first sight
I was drawn to her, aam
Lindsay fa ur ye? I said
sitting beside her, she
raised her head and stared
at me, what's it tae ye?
she said, I gazed at her
not giving in, ye swatch
nae weel, I said, buck aff,
she said, her eyes focused
on me, I liked her even more,
her eyes , her features, the way
she sat fiery, hoo abit comin'
haem wi' me fur a bite tae eat?
she stared at me, her eyes wild,
yet softening, what's in it fur ye?
she said, I've a braw scratcher,
I said, a bed? she said, I nodded,
she smiled, so I took her home
to my place and we ate and drank
and made love, and been together
ever since, that day to this, ***
passion and of course the kiss.
Dec 21, 2015
Dec 21, 2015 at 3:21 PM UTC
You saw the girl
sitting
at the corner table
of the cafe
in Edinburgh
thin
ill looking
sipping the coffee.
You walked
over to her
and said
ye swatch nae weel.
She looked at you
what's it tae ye?
she said
buck aff.
You smiled
and sat down
can ah gie
ye something?
you said.
She looked
past you
at the small
cafe door
then back at you.
Chocolate
if ye want
she said
her voice softer
less hostile.
You went
to the counter
and bought
a few bars
of chocolate
and another coffee
and sat down again
and gave her
the bars.
Aw fur me?
she said.
You nodded
and smiled.
She opened a bar
of chocolate
and ate it quickly
eyeing you steadily.
What's in it fur ye?
she said.
Depends
you replied.
Depends oan wit?
she said.
Ye can bide wi' me
at mah place
you said
eyeing her paleness
and her thinness.
She ate on
looking at you.
After the one bar
she ate the other
sipping at her coffee
in between.
Once she'd finished
and said
she'd go with you
but had to go
to the toilet first
so she went off.
You sat there
watching
the other people
in the cafe.
She returned
after a while
looking white
and her eyes were red.
You both left the cafe
back to your place
with nothing more said.
Jun 11, 2017
Jun 11, 2017 at 8:30 AM UTC
Harpooned a droonin’ raccoon
Couldnae huv ‘im talkin’
ae paced away fae ma hoose
Gawked me oot ma wheelchair joggin’
Bolted efter ‘im doon the lake
Chased that snake stalking
ae tried tae make like steak
Sizzling along nae-longer walkin’
Caught up wae ‘im et boulders cabin
Stitch stopped the grass in ‘is tracks
Promisin’ ae wullnae go gabbin’
Dinnae I know that fur a fact
Flexed a boot aff raccoon chist
Ae splashed in the wat’r pantin’
Harpoon - trigger, flick o’ the wrist
The meat was fuckin' outstandin'.
Jun 8, 2018
Jun 8, 2018 at 6:04 PM UTC
Hannah said to meet her
at her flat
so I went across the Square
to where her flat was
and knocked at the door
Mrs Scot stood there
Hannah is it?
I nodded
Hannah's it at th' shaps
she said
o right can I come in
and wait?
I said
she stared at me
for a few seconds
as if I'd made
an indecent proposal
ah guess ye can
she said
and she stood back
to let me pass
I went to the passageway
and it smelt of yesterdays
dinner and boiling washing
sit doon in th' livin' room
she said
I sat down
looking around the room
and she went off to the kitchen
the radio was on low
playing Victor Sylvester music
there were black and white photos
on the sideboard
and a big photo on the wall
of a wedding
then the front door opened
and Hannah came in
I'm back
got your shopping
and she walked past
the living room door
o you're here already Benny
she said to me
good just putting this lot away
and we can be off
aff whaur?
her mother said
Benny's showing me
his new school
Hannah said
what's sae special abit 'at?
she said
coming out of the kitchen
like a warrior for battle
his new school in September
I want to see it
Hannah said
her mother pulled a face
and stared at me
is it a wee jimmies skale?
yes Mum a boy's school
Hannah said
I felt out of place
and stared at the wallpaper
right we are off now Mum
see you later
Hannah said
and we went out the door
and into the Square
don't mind her
Hannah said
she's always that way
and I mused
good start to a new day
so we walked off
to where my new school was
about a good mile away
glad to be on our way.
Feb 11, 2016
Feb 11, 2016 at 3:06 AM UTC
So oi said ter 'imself
Luk oi nu you're
oyt av work
an' yisser misses
'as gone aff wi'
de young feller
yer invited 'um
an' yisser car
'as been 'ot
an' de peelers
'av cautioned yer
aboyt yisser
drunken behaviour
an' yer 'av de clap
but be considerate
av other people
we al' 'av 'ard times
but gettin' yerself
trollied each noight
an' playin'
dohs bleedin Dubliners
records ter al' 'ours
is causin' a bitter resentment
toward yer
An' waaat did yer man
say ter dat?
He didn't
he slammed
'is dure shut
an' turned
de volume up.
Jan 20, 2021
Jan 20, 2021 at 4:22 AM UTC