sometimes i feel like
everything I do,
every word I say is fake.
Like I've put on a mask for so long
I don't actually know the person underneath,
and it scares me.

there you are again
haunting my thoughts at night,
sitting in the corner of my room as I cry
your voice ringing in my ears

there you are again
invading my brain
making me miss you in the little things I see in him

there you are again
but did you really ever leave?

a brand new balloon
treasured by a naive child
he tries his best to keep it safe
but the wind carries it away
the string  drifting from his hands
moving further and further into the sky
and he can do nothing but watch

The more time I spent with you,
the more addictive I became
and the more I needed you every day.

Being away from you gave me withdrawl.
The more I put you into my head,
the more dependent I became on you.

I didn't love you.
I don't think.
It was the idea that you made me feel safe
and helped me escape my own thoughts

I loved the idea of you
The idea of happiness
of a good, impossible thing.

And now that you are becoming
more and more distant
My mind is too.

The universe only offers two options:

Being happy but never being good enough to the people who are supposed to care about you.

or forfeiting your own happiness to be seen as perfect in the eyes of the people you love.

I choose the second one.

I sailed my boat through a raging ocean
Even though I saw the danger miles away.

I am engulfed in the violent waves
Tossed around in the sea
without knowing which way is up

until my lungs fill with water
and I sink to the bottom

"her name"

I'm not overreacting
Not making up
negative scenarios in my head
I feel too much,
too fast

A thousand needles
rip and tear me
from the inside out
A weight inside me falling,
breaking my heart into a million pieces.

My heart feels like it has stopped beating
and it begins to be hard to breathe
for my lungs stop working
and I try to gasp for air  

I clench my fists
draw blood from my palms

Forcefully, I let out a smile
using it to cover up the pain I feel
And the tears hiding behind my eyes
As I laugh making painful jokes.

But you'll never know it
Because I hid it from you