ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

It came in waves, as it normally does.
It swallowed me whole, a monotonous storm of thinned wires and broken teeth.
I shattered them on beer bottles the night you left, I think, but I can’t remember.
It’s been a while.

I remember the day you bumped into me in the liquor aisle.
You were smiling, and you asked me how things were going.
I wanted to drop to my knees and plead for you to love me again,
But there was something holding me back and it made me wonder if you actually ever did.
You told me about what you were celebrating for, how she lights up your world more than any champagne ever could.
No, I haven’t been seeing anybody.
I've seen you a few times behind my eyelids.
I fall apart a little too much.

I found it tedious,
How we were drinking on separate occasions.
I was drinking to rid myself of you for the next 48 hours,
And you were drinking to fall in love with someone over again.
I wish she was me, but you’re probably happy and that’s all I need to worry about.
I care about your happiness a lot more than mine.

It ended in a quick and bitter farewell, and you left with a smile.
I watched you walk away once again and this time I didn't even try to stop you.
Instead I grabbed the sloppiest **** I could find and left.
Somehow your number ended up in my recent calls again.

It has been almost three years since you've left.
I still see your eyes in the sky.
Sometimes, I’ll meet your breath at street corners
And after all of this time, it still lingers.