I wish I didn't miss you
should've never kissed you
the new me wouldn't have responded
to "girl, what that **** do?"
I guess it was something about the twists in your hairdo
and now my legs and elbows are cold
the fact that I noticed reminds me
of how you told me I was old
told me I was a "***"
kept coming just to go
even when things were fine/okay
I still felt alone
no matter how many times we lit one and smoked
and when we'd lie together
I'd be sure not to roll over
for the distance you would surely note

I grew up when I realized that love is a decision
not an emotion
When I saw how toxic love
was leaving me heartbroken
& I wondered why only part of me was left
but my ability to love freely was stolen
Age had nothing to do with the come up
it was when I was all alone with my thoughts til the sun came up
sleepless nights & the struggle of being lonely
had me learn who I was
til I knew I was all of me

one day i want to be happy
that day is today
that day is every day
but i cry just as much as if i had a reason to
and no matter how many "right directions"
i seem to follow
there is still warm water coming from my eyes
as soon as they dry
it rains again
they typecast me as insert stereotype here
fighting against everyone is difficult
when they all make so many rules
and you cant see because your eyes still havent dried again
i guess paper will know that i will never be happy
but they will never hear those words in my voice
because they are not worthy
i still want to be happy one day

for hours at night
i keep myself company
i write, i think, i listen
i crave parts of old lovers
put them together into a dream one
i miss one's respect
another's vibe
regret a whole one
except physical touch
one's laugh
another's moan
the way different hands
felt around my waist
and lips to mine
i go over old instances
only the two of us had
deep intimate moments of the past
and how for a minuet span
in man's notion of time
we were only for each other
until money, reputation, other women
(abridged version of list)
were their "reasons"
their excuses
then i cry
and the night is over
so i go to sleep

the people who dont know me
know the most about me
things i wasnt even aware of
they have not even heard the sound of my voice
yet have every last detail on my ****** encounters
to me they are irrelevant by default
however i am the most exciting cyber encounter theyve had
while i am sipping, sighing, smoking, swearing
they stalk, search, sift, and stare

theyre writing songs about me
but i cant give them what they want
i know how to stay solo now
stop thinking about me
because everytime you do, i feel it
"how is it being god?"
please dont ask, dont make me answer
at the same time my pen dies
i lose 2 friends, a ride-or-die, and my mind
you could have kissed me over and over
but you screamed and turned away
and now your echoes are inside me
and i wonder why you couldnt be perfect
and why no one else was either
thats why theres just me
i cant be sad, only accepting
so please do the same
and lets meet up and smoke a cigarette
its on me, newport 100s

I have a dry heart
that no longer runs with liquid love
it brakes at evey sign to move forward
and dust envelopes my mind
but somehow makes everything clear
no one has anything for me to drink
all I could have has been poisoned
pretty colors like pink champagne and purple syrup
shades of the sky that is my only friend
mist turned to smoke
all there's room for is me
or the edges will crack
it is only a matter of time