Despite my best intentions to wish you unwell
My mind is wrapped up in being forgiving and understanding and “ive been there too”

I find myself
Hoping your day passed with ease and grace. And I hope you were kind to yourself today

Did you think about us
This time last year
Drunk on wine and the feeling we’d known each other in another life

Sometimes I play a tape in my head of what I wish your mouth would say

“I choose you”
Over and over
“I choose you”

I’m building a home for myself
For myself

Behind me lay a string of temporary shelters I found in others
In things
In feelings
In reactions

I’m building a home for myself not for you but for my heart and my peace and my songs
For my stillness my restlessness my demons and my passions
For my mother and her mother and her mother
My mothers
Who spent time building and building rows of homes for lost souls
Never pausing to take shelter for themselves

I’m building a home for myself within my own walls at my own pace
Patched together with patience and gratitude and the pure joy I feel that I have survived it all.

Even if it takes years if it takes tears if it takes giving up and starting over

I will build my walls to make boundaries and to set intention and those who belong will enter peacefully and honestly and without selfishness

I will build a home to love myself to come home to to live in with my declarations of knowing my worth and knowing my gifts and knowing I am safe I am safe in myself

If I could have one last conversation with you
A final day in the sunshine
I'd tell you I love you
for the first time
and the last.

If there's one more thing I could teach you
It would be that the way you're living
armoured
alone
unforgiving
is no way to live.

But I'd say it in my head, send it through my exhales in the hopes it subconsciously reaches your ears,
so as not to ruin the present moment.

We're sitting in silence
knees touching
bodies leaning into each other so it all hurts less

You'd stroke my eyelashes as they flutter with your fingertips
I can't remember what your laugh sounds like anymore

I can picture you laughing, but it's like a silent movie

But I remember how your voice sounds as it cracks through your tears
And I can see your restlessness
even with my eyes open.

I can feel your sadness
Its weight I can still see imprinted on my love seat

If I could tell you one more story about myself,
To the version of you that was still open
like a sunflower
so willing to receive

I would tell you that I'm tired of being scared
done with hiding my need to be protected
so tired of staying up all night guarding my own heart.

I may require affection and love more than you're used to giving
but you have seen my love move mountains for free
and I need just once for someone to do the same for me.

If I could meet you for the first time
one last time

I would share with you that I see your fears and I honour them
sooner than I did before.

I'd tell you
you're safe here

I would believe who you said you were the first time.

If I were to say goodbye to you again
a do-over
an un-doing

I would sit fully in that moment with you
and thank you for your honesty
forgive you for your shortcomings

Accepting that you never really unpacked your bags

Even though in my mind,
we had already grown old together.

Tentatively listen for the rise and fall of your belly to ensure your breaths are with ease

Trace the edges of your ear in moments of agitation, hoping your nerve endings will hear my fingertips and change their tune

Rub your feet when your heart is exhausted and your eyes are weary
Ensuring to not miss a single corner

Clear room on my bookshelf for your frustrations, find moments to read them together

Reminding you of your intricacies
While you sleep I whisper your journey in your ear
So you realize how far you’ve come

Encourage your curiosities
Give them room to remember who they are

I pick you wildflowers
An audience for your secrets

And my darling
If you are drawn to a new adventure
I will guide you to the edge of the road less traveled
Wave until you merge with the landscape

a way that I love you

You are worthy.

     You are whole.

            You are loved.

When I look in the mirror it's like all I can see are my glaring flaws
The wild broken strands of my hair refusing to be tamed
The blemish that never ceases to rear its head
My belly that is always a little too round if only it could just be less
My thighs that rub together
My arms that defy my womanly existence because no woman's arms are that hairy
The purple sweeps underneath my eyes
That people always comment on when I have been brave enough to not cover them in makeup

When I look in the mirror
It's a war with myself

A war that has waged a lifetime
I'm tired
And the fighting has left my battleground filled with mud where did the flowers go
We're not born like this
Where did I get the notion that my value lies on my surface and not below it?

When I look in the mirror
Instead of fighting
I want to plant a garden
Wildflowers in my ears as colourful as my thoughts
Dandelions so I can make infinite wishes when they turn to seed over and over and
A patch of roses so their thorns remind me  of my heartache
Tulips for my resilience
Vegetables!
To feed my belly that I starved  
Let them nurture my bones unconditionally
Let my garden bring dragon flies
So I'm reminded that this world has been here longer than me and it will remain despite a thousand winters

I look in the mirror  
My hands caked in dirt
In all my imperfect glory
The roots soak up my tears
I am finally home from the war

It's difficult to decipher your declarations
The dance in your hips
Does not match the words on your lips
There's fire in the tips of your fingers
Your touch is warm but your eyes are cold
You're determined to warm your bones at night
But you shudder in the middle of summer

My darling
Rest your head in the sand
Let it bear the weight of your sadness
Let the ocean catch your tears
For the ocean is their home

Brush your curls with courage
Let your intuition see the sunrise
Instead of midnight
Speak love songs to your sins
Exhale your apprehensions
Let your ears hear the truth
You are enough to withstand centuries
Accept the love that is extended to you
Even warriors do not meet triumph alone

Bathe in your resolutions
The ones carved into your heart
Rest under the branches once and a while
And my love
When your hips want to dance
Let them dance