She tells me happiness is a choice. That one day I can just magically wake up and everything will go away. That if I tell myself I am happy enough times it will come true. A "self-fulfilling prophecy" She tells me that I am a victim of circumstance And that the key to being happy is letting go. The synapses in my brain scream otherwise, pleading for serotonin. You see, depression is a disease Thoughts struggle to travel from neurotransmitter to neurotransmitter. Synapses feel as vacant and as large as the grand canyon you see It's so easy to get lost in there. I wish it was as simple as choosing to be happy I'd choose to be happy. I ask her, When did I choose to feel this sad? Did I just wake up one morning and decide, "Oh, i'll choose to feel like wanting to die today" They tell me I've been here before. They tell me that this is an illusion. I have been here before. I just cannot remember. I cannot remember being this sad. But I choose to sit in class struggling to recollect even the simplest things. I choose to hate going out. I choose to stay up all night It's just a choice.
Before you fall in love with a suicidal girl Don't. Suicide can not be romanticized and though she might idolize you Remember that you may not be enough. Remember that this world may never be enough. Demons don't just go away, sometimes they just hide in the shadows. And even at the highest noon they are there. Just smaller. The sun will go down. She will always have shadows. Remember that no matter what you do You are irrelevant in her master plan. She will plan out her letters in your arms. When she is silent hold her. Make her know that she is loved, it may not be enough but those few moments in your arms might make her think twice. But don't assume for one second you will be her savior. When you see cuts on her wrists do not beg her to stop. She won't. She will cut deeper for letting you see her weak. She will try to be strong. She will put on a show for you. She will make you forget she was ever depressed. Remember that sunsets can make you forget that night is bound to follow. Know that night will follow. When you get her final love letter to you Ignore the fact that it is stained in blood. Do not pour your precious time.into wondering if she suffered. She will write her apologies in her best handwriting. Do not read it. Get in your car and drive. Drive to the nearest bar and read the letter through hazy bloodshot eyes. Do not blame yourself. Do not look for moments you could have done something different. It'll drive you crazy. Before you fall in love with a suicidal girl. Don't.