They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul
His eyes are the windows into mine
Through his eyes I see every flaw
Every mistake
I see myself at my worst:
Screaming at 2 am,
my terrible need for companionship,
the depression that consumes me,
I see my greed, my jealousy, my fear,
how I wake up in the morning.
Through his eyes I am able to accept the fact that I am not perfect
That I will never be perfect.
That there is no need to be perfect.
I see my pure heart, my desire to give, my compassion, my strength.
With him, for the first time in years, I almost felt human.
Normal.
I feel right.
Strong.
Willing to fight for myself.
His eyes, greener than the grass in the middle of spring, grayer than the skies on a cloudy day, act as mirrors pouring back into me.
The hope I’d  long since forgotten existed within me.
Long before I knew of his name.
I can get lost in them.
He reminds me not to stare too long
Forces me to turn away
I didn't want to look away
He’s hypnotizing.
Many long before myself have seen themselves through his eyes.
Bitter, cold, jealous, mean,
They go insane.
I wonder if they didn't like what they saw.
But in his eyes is where I found me.

I was raised to keep my head down
To turn the other cheek.
To never raise a fist.
To speak softly and carry a big stick.
But to never use it.
These were the things my parents taught me.
For years I only knew how to be submissive
How to please
How to never speak up
These things were supposed to keep me out of trouble.
But I soon realized that silence is even more dangerous than passion.
Silence is an excuse for others to take advantage of you.
And passion in small doses is enough to keep the danger away.
I learned that you can have fire in your eyes
But to be careful when letting it escape your lips
I learns that fire burns
It needs to be controlled.
But is useful in moderation.

She stares back at me,
A face I no longer recognize
Sullen expression
Sunken eyes lined with deep crimson shadows
Eyes that no longer have any vibrancy to them
Lifeless.
Her disheveled hair looks like it hasn't been thoroughly brushed in weeks.
She attempts to smile back at me but even a blind man could see that misery has taken over her heart.
The walls she has begun to put up to protect herself have begun to crumble.
An innocent victim captive of insomnia and depression
Drowning in her own despair.
Never have I seen a face so lost at sea,
I wish I could guide her back home to me.
She looks feeble, her skin has grown so pale as if the moment I look away she will disappear out of thin air.
Her face could tell stories better than her words ever could.
Her face cannot lie and tell you that she is fine unless carefully edited.
She applies each layer of makeup carefully, erasing every trace of misery
Using eloquent detail as carefully as Vincent Van Gogh would have applied to any of his paintings
It is her mask to cover her hollow shell.
She makes sure to cover the deep creases littering her forehead,
Whites out the deepened pools below her eyes
Edits her construction to make her seem whole.
Silly girl to think that this facade could be maintained forever
She can hide it from the rest of the world, but she cannot hide it from me.
Tears stream down my face, and only then do I realize how lonely I have become, talking to my reflection for some essence of companionship.
I wipe away the tears and continue the facade.

Throughout the course of our lives, we all make choices -

Some big, some small.

Some decisions are worth little more than the time it took to make them,

But others will change your life forever.

Do not be fooled,

the words you’ve said today may still haunt you twenty years from now.

But the words that will haunt you the most are the ones said but never heard,

for instance, “I love you” or “I need you” or “please stay”.

Loving you was the most lavish form of self-destruction.

Before you, I was built solidly,

I was a product of years of growing in instead of out,

I spent more time on myself than I did working on others.

I made sure I was invincible.

However, when I let you in, you became the termites slowly eating away  at the structure I had built.

Slowly destroying me a little at a time.

I never noticed what you were doing until I collapsed,

as soon as the dust settled I found myself seeing more clearly than ever before.

I was a victim of my own misguided trust.

I had left myself in your hands.

When you boil a frog, if you heat it instantly, it will jump out the *** however if you slowly turn up the heat, it will stay until it dies.

This is why a relationship such as ours lasted so long.

You were such a liar my love,

breaking one promise after the next,

at first so slowly, gradually turning up the heat, leaving me to die.

I had put up my walls so high before I met you but took them down at your request-

I was hooked.

The most dangerous enemy is the friend that will stab you in the back and leave you to die.

I told you that I needed you countless times,

But I was never “good enough”

I hope 20 years from now you find yourself still alone,

Reeking of desperation.

I hope you think of me and wonder how you let me go, call me up one night a few too many beers and let my words rip through your body.

“I do not need you. I do not want you.”

Will echo through your body, just as “Goodbye” did to mine.

but everyone kisses
the wrong person
once in a while.
(sjb)

"hey grandma, how are you this year?"
"how's deer season going, uncle wayne?"
"how many cats do you have now?"
by the way i think i'm depressed
(sjb)

this time last year,
we went to rhema and you kissed me under the gazebo
and asked if i wanted to get back together

now i'm sitting in my room
wondering if you remember
the night i met your dad for the first time
and your sister told me i was adorable
wondering if you remember
holding my heart in your hands
and throwing it on the ground
telling me
*maybe this isn't working out

i'm sorry for the days when
you will feel as if
you are dating me and my therapist
because i know
you never asked for this

he likes neck kisses and being called "sweetheart."
he drinks milk when he eats peanut butter,
offer to pour it for him.
he loves pugs and his dog, ******.
if you're not best friends with ****** by the first month,
you're doing something wrong.
when he tells you you're beautiful,
it is easier to just agree.
when he takes you home,
allow plenty of time to say goodnight (he takes forever).
he hates crunchy peanut butter.  
he'll give you his jackets and hug you until you stop crying.
if you watch lord of the rings with him, bring kleenex.
know and understand star wars references or you're *******.
he is an incredible writer.
he'll buy you lots of things for christmas,
do not try to compensate.

if he isn't the best boyfriend you've ever had,
you're not giving him enough credit.
love him, he deserves it.

and i kinda hope you never exist,
because i'm not done loving him yet
and i don't think i ever will be.