but if you see this write a poem with nothing but a smiley face, i would like to see if it would happen

to a wonderland that doesnt exist.

to the mother who left me behind after attempting suicide in an attempt to escape from this abusive household.

whats so enjoyable about it?

maybe ill try it out someday.

digesting food has never been harder

i no longer want to live

one pill after the other,

what pill could **** me?

im happy, right?
if im happy, why does it hurt so much?
.
.
.

:)

everything about us was a game you liked to play,


and i hope you had fun, playing that game


that hurt everyone.

"nice hat, HOTDOG."

i live for you

i love for you

as your friend

**** yeah see you never i’m actually wanting to **** myself today. maybe i’ll do it this time. suffocation here i ******* come

that you talked **** about me

NINE YEARS. AND IM USING YOU? OH *******. YOUR SECOND FAMILY. YOUR “FATHER FIGURE.” AN EXTRA PLACE TO STAY. ALL THAG FROM ME



AND IM USINF YOU?? ******* IM KILLING MUSELF **** UOU **** EVERYTHING THERES NO ******* OOINT ANYMORE GOOD ******* BYE I ******* HATE YOU *******

well if you’re gonna act that way,

reduce reuse recycle *****

you wrecked my room again

you called me names again


you’ve abused u s again.

we’ve woken up late,

so what? we’re just kids.

you’re blaming everything on us

“you’re stressing me out”

“you’re not listening to me”

“you guys are so ******* dumb”

“******* kids”

if you didn’t want us, why didn’t you tell mom to abort us?

much easier to make me ******* suicidal

but jealousy has nothing to do with this now

I have lost my fight and I hope you lose yours

shes leaving and suddenly shes the center of attention

the world revolves around her like it did when we connected

I thought id never get replaced by someone you've barely know,

I mean hey, I've known you for 8 whole years, almost 9.

you've  known her for 2.

I'm seeing these problems arise and I cant do anything because every negative thing I say about her makes you hate me even more and I'm not ready to lose someone as close as you


but I hope you lose your fight because

a ***** once said

"Middle school relationships arent supposed to go anywhere"

but thats alright

these feelings are meaningless

they're just lies

but everytime I see you with her disgusting face where you always coo and cuddle

I want to throw up and I want to cry,

what ever happened to my bestest friend?

you chose her over me but that's alright I just wish you had more time for me and him

because she is not the highlight of your life and you are not seeing what she has done to you

I am your friend and I cannot lie when I say

I don't like her.

but you my friend are the highlight of my life,,

that spark of joy that makes me keep going

so until you stop berating yourself with these awful words

I don't know what to do other than just die

the voices get stronger and stronger
as I stumble away I need your help
I cry but no one is awake

I keep going through this routine as I wonder

am I even worth it?



THE VOICES IN MY HEAD GET STRONGER EVERY DAY THEY WRAP THEMSELVES AROUND MY THOUGHTS AND

now they're all I can hear, even when the pin drops.

blood on these walls have nowhere to run as if i were the blood and i could have gone.

dont you see? that im forcing myself to like her. that you're my source of happiness, one of them anyway, but it doesn't matter because everything is about her.


one cut, two cut, three cut, four. when will these lines go poor?

sleeping and slicing whats the difference? one of them only really cause pain

sometimes i want to die and sometimes i want to live .

i live for oone girl, though she'd never like me back, it's alright though.

i'd expect you to not know them as well as i do, since you still use the incorrect pronouns and name :)

**** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me **** me

anyway, now that depressive episodes over, why not have another one?

i believe every lie you tell me

i force myself to believe every lie that you tell me

so that i dont have to believe in what's true

i believe in every lie so it doesn't hurt me


but now i cant tell if youre taking advantage of that.


are you?

but i love you

overused, ive been overused

and reused.

to your personal benefit.


you run me dry of my happiness.


you had me to benefit your own well being.


and now im broken, too reused to be used again.


i need someone to fix me,

not so i can be overused again,

not so i can be reused again,


i need someone to fix me,

so i can

be me.

i miss when we had a thing.

"i swear shes not replacing you. she was just there for me when you had your online relationships"



no. she's replacing me.

she's replacing all of us.


you're just letting it happen.


i'll find someone else since it seems like you don't need me anymore.

yet you always blame us for it.

i just wanna g o ** me and feeeeeeeeeeel safe yknoq/>/>??

from doing something stupid again

it hurts

like hell


it feels like

i’m being carved open



but it’s okay


i’ll go anyway




it’s all ******* to you man

i keep telling myself that im out of it


im done with relationships

that i dont like anybody


and i keep thinking of you.



i've realised that hey,,, i've fallen for you.

maybe i’ll throw up again

just keep eating until you throw up,

until you can;t,

until you cant feel anymore

i don’t know if they’re true or not.


it’s judt$ making me feel better because everyone’s taken except for me

and see what happens.

making my heart explode.


maybe this is what’s been keeping me from killing myself

i don’t know why.


we’re over.



been over.

all i want is a kiss or two

or just many few.


just a kiss or two

is all i ask of.


make me blush

make me crush


make me moan

make me groan


i want it all

i want it please


just the feeling of love

will get me pleased

i've almost sobbed myself to sleep,


i watched,


listened.




"****, why can't someone love me like that"



even your mom asked if i felt like i was being left out,



i wanted to have a smile and say no,


but i just nodded silently.




im scared of your brother asking if we're friends anymore but,


are we?

i want to go home


am i invisible? yes








i’ll leave you two alone.


you’re happy.



that’s all that matters

*******

unfair.


i want to go home


i feel like i’m nothing


like i don’t exist

i feel like i’m NOTHING.



i come for attention,

attention seeker if you will,



but i don’t even get attention at home

i don’t know how to stop.

i don’t even know how it started

i love your hugs

they make me feel warm, happy, protected.


when they thought we were dating,


i guess i liked it.

to see you flustered.


i don’t know if you’re ready

if i’m ready

or even if you like me back

at this point, i don’t know.



you’re so fed up with me.



i guess you’re just,,,



happier with her.



happiest with her.




i’m just in the background, with my arms open, ready to comfort you, if something goes wrong