i just want someone to say they’re proud of me
and mean it enough to make me believe it

Why would I eat if the lies inside me fill me up? 'Til there's nothing but half-truths trapped inside. I plead, scream, beg for someone to hear my cry but it's locked deep within me.
The pain I feel when I look in the mirror; why? Why do I hate myself?
Hate my hair,
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my smile.
I won't look anymore.
I can't bear to see who's staring back.
Shatter the mirror!
Distort the already broken image.
How much more damage could I do to myself before I'm through?
The scale wails when I approach; the fourth time in a day. When the numbers fall, I let out a sigh of relief, but when they rise…
What can I do?
What would you do if you couldn't be you?
Everyone's words are pointless. If its not the voice inside my head it doesn't matter. Nothing can satisfy my need to feel empty—to feel proud of the monster I’d become.

all of this anger,
this rage,
this irrational irritation that continues to boil over,
was once love.

it was gentle,
and kind.
it did not bite or maul.
it did not bare its teeth with the intention of pain.
instead, with the intention of tenderness.

all of this rage,
was once warmth.

it was intimate,
and tender.
it did not bubble beneath the surface with an endless blaze.
instead, it flickered in soft wisps.

all of this irritation,
was once affection.

it was constant,
and reliable.
it did not swing with the might and fury of a rouge soldier.
instead, it stood fortified within its bounds.

all of this rage, was once love.
a love i had for you.

Drown your heart
In sea of salt,
Then ice it till
Its freezing cold

Wear a necklace
of your grief,
Strangling hard till
You can't speak

Drain your eyes
In a sack of rice,
Don't let moisture
Escape its cries

Fill your stomach
With emptiness,
An appetite
Of nothingness

Keep it up
You're almost there,
Your date with death
Is oh so near

My best friend died
My boyfriend said he hates me
And I've been thinking lately
That it's not all in my head
I broke my mirror last week
I can't stand my own reflection
It was just some raw emotion
I can't wait for my damnation
Because girls like me
We don't get salvation
I sleep with my rosary
But God still isn't listening
I could tell my mom I’m sorry
But I doubt she would forgive me
And really I can't blame her
Because sinners come from sinners
I can't wait to die
Or maybe I'm just twenty-five.

'I think we should stay friends.'
I knew this was coming.
And yet these words sting like
shards of ice to tired eyes.

My heart freezes over,
but my legs slowly melt.
Now knee-deep in defeat,  
I curse the day I fell.