For My HP Family Only
This is not a poem
These are words without a rhyme
This is not a poem
Nope not this time
This is something serious and this is me
In shock from an event that took place last night. The whole thing was very minor in the grand scheme of things but at the moment I was experiencing it, it was a massive major ordeal.
I’ve lost track of the years I’ve posted my
Poetry and I’ve lost track of the many words I’ve written and I’ve lost track of the
Many Poems and words I’ve read.
I’ve pored out my heart and I’ve shared myself and revealed to you more than any man should ever do. I don’t really put much stock in the Zodiac Signs but call me crazy,
I’m a Pisces and I’ll be if it doesn’t describe
Me to a T.
What it boils down to is that I’m Emotional
Sometimes I Feel Like I Have To many Emotions. I’m a man in every aspect of what a man should be. I’m Ex military and at one time in my life I was more than I ever thought I could be but even at my best I was less than what most men were.
You’ve read my poems you know about my Childhood and the abuse, the mental and the physical. You know I was number six in a family of eight children.
My Father never took me to a game of any kind, he never played catch or took me fishing or taught me how to fix things or never fixed things for me and the list goes on. I never did anything in spite of it and I never even felt like I was allowed to dream let alone make any of my dreams come true.
I’ve managed to survive and along the way I met my Loving Wife Cindy. Married for forty one years and I Love her more than words could ever describe. I’m blessed more than I deserve and she deserves more than I am.
Yet she Loves me though I will never fully understand why. My Father was an Alcoholic
And when he was Drunk he took everything out on everyone and my Mother usually was in the cross fire and taking most of the hits Physically and Mentally.
There was a constant Chaos and Violence and Flashing Lights and Yelling and Police
And damage of property and to our Mental Health. I referred to them as,
Words Of Steel and Scars That Won’t Heal.
I swore I’d never be like him, if he never taught me anything else, he taught me to be the opposite of him. I’ve written a lot of poems about our inner Demon that we all have lurking inside of us. And even most recently I wrote one titled (Change)
(Change) started trending one hour after I wrote it and it’s ironic that just a couple of days later it would be my reality.
It’s also funny in how it changed as I was writing it. My brain goes through a Metamorphosis Transition like the Incredible Hulk when Ironically that’s what I compare my inner demon to. (Change) it’s also incredibly ironic how it would (Change) as I was writing it. The first thought was funny. My wife said she was going upstairs to (Change) and I was being silly and said hey babe what are you going to change into?
A monster or maybe some **** night wear and she laughed and said she was gonna (Change) into her PJ’S.
Well it doesn’t take much and that was my title. So I was immediately thinking silly but for whatever reason I started writing it like it was a storm and there was a Tornado and after its destruction obviously there was a (Change) I got to the part where the Sirens began to Whale and it (Changed) direction to being about that inner Demon we all have and how it causes Damage when it’s released and after words obviously there’s a (Change) but at the end it (Changed) again to the man realizing that he had to make a (Change) Metaphorically it all still makes sense and there’s a point to it all and originally it wasn’t supposed to be anything at all.
Here it is one O’clock in the morning and I am usually in bed by Eleven and I have to work today and the Alarm is set for 6:30 AM.
But last night I yelled at my wife and she was just trying to help me and nothing was her fault and I was just upset and hungry and wanted to be home and I was having problems with my car and I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to get home and we’re two days from going on vacation and we don’t really have extra money for car problems and I was in a very bad neighborhood and I didn’t want to stop yet I didn’t want to cause further damage to my car and I was losing it and getting more and more angry and more and more anxiety and I was just like a fish out of water and more like a boy than a man and normally I’m a pretty **** good man and I handle all of my responsibilities. Yet here I was yelling at her and I’m crying now because I let that Demon loose that for years I had kept deep inside of me. I know she loves me and she has already forgiven me but at this moment I cannot forgive myself. She never deserves that I
Can’t believe that I allowed that to happen.
Look I was frustrated because I knew that any other Man would have handled this problem on his own and it wasn’t necessarily that I never done it before,
It was just that I’m 63 now and I didn’t want to hurt myself and it was a Tire and I didn’t want to put the bad one in my back seat and I have a lot of stuff in my trunk related to my work and she was on the phone and I was across town. Every place she was sending me was closed and I was driving on a bad tire and the second place I went to was a really bad area and I would have been very vulnerable if I would’ve had to change my tire there or even wait for hours for help as the Sun was already beginning to set.
In this moment I became very upset with myself and years of pint up anger was released, Stuff that God had taken away and yet the Devil so easily gave it back to me and I had my guard down and I was vulnerable to him when I was worried about the environment around me, I was oblivious to my own self destruction. My Wife is a true
Angel who was sent to save me and she never deserves the harsh treatment that I was giving to her. It was nobody’s fault and it definitely wasn’t hers and yes I can blame it on my Father and I can blame it on the Devil and I can even blame it on God but I know I really just have myself to blame.
I’m strangely at a loss for words now and I really need to get to bed.
Thank you all for your love and support
And appreciation of my poetry,
Please pray for me and thank you for letting me ramble on and release my thoughts and emotions, God Bless!!!
Change
The Sky turned to a blood red
With highlights of various shades of grey
The wind began to blow a stiffer breeze
Hinting signs that a storm was on the way
A warning siren began to whale
Deep inside I felt the Demon rise
Feelings suppressed for years came
Bursting out as an anger of no compromise
In the mirror there was a face
Staring directly back at me
And I was facing the fear of the
Person that I never wanted to be
Everything came to a head like the
Mt Saint Helens Volcano when it blew
A creature had awakened from inside
That unconsciously I always knew
In the aftermath of the destruction
There was a feeling so sad and strange
I glanced into the mirror once more
And decided it was time for a Change
Written By:Charles Kean
08/02/2025