This wasn't goodbye,
This was a constant reminder that it was in control.
That it can pull me back anytime, anywhere.
I asked to be set free but instead, I cry my mind blank.
Waiting to go numb.
This wasn't goodbye,
Only the reminder that the will always follow me.

Scared to ruin the friendship,
She hid her feelings as far down as they would go.
Not wanting to admit that the feelings never left.
Slowly making her crazy that they weren't together.
Not wanting to bring it up,
Smiling through the pain of seeing him with someone else.

One day it will all make sense.
For now, we stay wishing for the day to come sooner.

I'm falling more each day, wishing I would stop.
I know love comes with battles,
That leaves scars Instead of kisses.
I grow up dreading love knowing how it can break someone.
I never want to heart fall in love because that turns into hate.
Should I put back up my walls before it's too late?

I look back to see her standing there. She was all alone, but her smile said something else.
I waited to make sure everything was ok, and Then it hit me.
The lost girl was hidden behind too many secrets,
She just wanted to be saved but had no one notice.
Finally, she left, but without a smile.
Instead, she wears a warning sign that says, don’t get attached; I won’t be here long.
I looked in the dark window to found out the lost girl took my thoughts.
Now I stand here with someone else smile.

I still get nervous like the first time when I saw the word read on my messages.
Wondering if this would be first of many times you wouldnt care what I say.
Won't want to know more and wonder when I will move on.
I'm sorry because I want to tell you all about my life.
About little details that probably make you think about something else.
The more you get to know me the easier it will be to understand.
That I get attached too fast and get send too many text to get your attention.
The attention you don't want me to have.

I wish I wasn’t born trans,
Then maybe I would love my bare body instead of putting my hands over the chest that didn’t ask to be there.
Wishing the hands would turn my chest into the flat board that I desire.
Hoping one day this will be in my deepest of memories,
Maybe In that other life I would have wanted to share my body with my eyes open.
When i say I wish I wasn’t trans,
I mean I wish I didn’t smile more when thinking of getting parts of myself removed.
I mean I wish I got the easy way
I mean I wish
I wish I loved myself how everyone else loved me growing up.

I wish I could be freed from this world.
That one day I won't be in pain with my own mind.
Maybe I will be able to find someone that loves me for me.
Not having to beg to be heard.
I wish I could be gone sometimes to make my mind shut up.
But it will be easier in the end.

I didn't want my secret to come out.
The world doesn't understand me like you do.
The secrets hide under layers, wondering if anyone notices.
Notices the scars made out of hopelessness.
Would you leave me if you saw the truth under the lies?
The lying of saying I'm doing better but drowning in my tears.
I don't want my secret to come out because I can't lose you now.

How do you like someone like me?
Too scared to tell the truth, afraid of getting yelled at.
I was hoping that you won't leave me after learning the truth about me.
I like you just too scared to get rejected again.

I want to trust him,
I want to let my guard down.
He can't hurt me if I don't let him in.
I don't want to loose him due to my fear of the past.
I know I'm overthinking ,the first time I went in with hope is the time I got hurt the worse.
I told my self I would never give anyone trust again.

Help me
The noises are getting too loud to escape.
Each is telling me to do a crime that I don’t want to comment on.
I swear I’m not a bad person.
Who will Believe the me?
It’s not as bad as it sounds.
I’m only sick, not dangerous.

I didn’t know how broken I was until I got better.
The battle was hard but being broken is worse.
Seeing my family scared when they see me is painful.
The thought of losing you is worse.

Leave me for a girl.
Our friendship can wait,
I'm too broken to leave.
Promise me It's worth all this pain.
Go, it’s ok.

Tell me the truth
Do you find me cute?
I find the way you write beautifully.
Your poems are like magic to my eyes.
This all started with a simple hey.

Her voice sounds like I'm finally home.
The way I feel myself is a gift I don't want to lose.
I'm falling for a girl that doesn't know my whole story.
I wish I could give her all my dreams.
The way I don't want to lose you is hurting my soul.
I wish I didn't want you like this.

Sit still,
Listen closely.
Try hard not to be heard or seen.
Instead, wait for the appropriate time to explain how your body isn't your body.
Left your right arm and watch it drop.
Move it fast in front of your eyes to double-check that you are, in fact, not ok.
Sit back down and hope it passes faster this time.
When it's over,
Know it's never really ever going to be over.

Sometimes I feel unheard,
That my life doesn’t matter as much.
I look around the room and wonder if anyone feels the same.
I’m afraid to ask the question out loud, not wanting to get all the looks of Judgment
I go home and cry in my bed wondering if I made the right choice of making it to twenty three.
How can I keep on going with all this pain?
Why can’t I just say goodbye for one last time?
I tell myself that I can't leave her behind without a brother.

I watch you love her from the sidelines.
Waiting for my chance to come over and stop it all.
Nothing ever comes out of my mouth in time.
She leans over to kiss him while I'm trying not to cry.
She doesn't know how much I'm dying standing here.
I pick up a piece of paper hoping this will be my last time begging for someone
To notice me.
The visions in my head get stronger and my heart gets smaller.
The fear grows while the strength not to listen becomes more hopeless.

I wish I could control it.
Not wanting to cry over the little things hoping it will go away.
When will it stop telling me things on repeat.
I tried to listen to the good in life but it's hard when the darkness is screaming in your ears.
Not wanting to burden anyone with my issues but trying to tell the truth at the same time.
Everyone telling me it will be ok and we aren't leaving.
How can I believe all the words when my mind wants to say the opposite.
Do I believe them or my broken mind.
Maybe I don't want to believe it's broken.
Maybe one day my pills will stop this all.
Or maybe I can stop it all.

I miss the words we used to sing together,
Saying that we would be together for ever.
Now my head is spinning every time I look at you.
I try to take a grip but now my hands are slipping. Trying to stay standing not wanting to fall a second time.

A son of a cheater,
I saw them all get played.
He used the same moves on the poor women entering his life.
First, gain their trust, then play mind games that way; he’s never in the wrong.
Second, give them what they want, then slowly take it away without noticing.
Third, degrade them but not enough that they will leave on their own,
Enough that they will stay begging for more.
A son of a cheater,
Learn how to cause pain like a hurricane.

My life feels like a game,
Right now, I'm losing.
Wondering how many more tries I have.
Will this be my legacy?
The words all spilling out,
With no eyes to see it.
My life feels like a losing game
No matter how hard I try,
I can't leave this behind.
How do I get out of this alive?

Did I ask him for too much?
Was loving me just that hard?
I ask myself wondering why he didn't give me a text every day.
Wondering if he ever cared about me because why wouldn't he let me go In the end.
I gave him everything I had because I thought he was worth it.
I still have all the memories but now the stories are changing.
Now I look back and notice all the things he never did for me.
Did I ask for too much or was I not worth it?

I wonder how everything is meant to be.
If I gave her five more minutes maybe she would still in my arms.
Maybe she would have been my last kiss and it could have lasted forever.
I thought she was the one for me.
Some days I even counted how long until we saw each other again.
The answer was it was always too long but I know she was the one.
I don't know if she agrees but my heart is broken into pieces waiting to be glued back together.
She is the only one with the right glue.
Maybe my heart will always be broken.
Maybe I lost the love of my life forever.

The light grows brighter,
When the darkness starts to fade.
Hold on for another day,
I will hold you tight until the sun rises.

The voice was sugar to my ears.
It taught me strength when he didn't want to.
It was there for me when she wouldn't be.
I learned hope from it,
When hopeless were all, I knew.

My window
I look outside the same window,
Wondering if anything will change.
Will the flowers finally grow today?
I look at it one time, seeing the snowfall on the ground.
Realizing the start of winter finally happened.
I closed my eyes for a minute, and the snow was gone again.
It all started with a little sadness but ended back with summer nights.
We take four seasons for Granted.
One day everything will be different.
There will be no going back.
Today I looked outside my window one more time.

I look up at the stars every time hoping one day I will see him waving back at me.
It's been almost two years since his last goodbye.
It doesn't mean my love for him is lost,
The memories still stayed.
My heart still stings,
I wish he didn't have to go.

I fall in love a little too fast.
My heart gets broken a little too much.
I will not regret those memories.
I fall too hard,
And smile too big about it.

Why did I give my heart away?
I thought this time it would be a different story to tell.
The type that ends with smiles instead of tears.
The one where everyone wins,
but this isn't that type of story.
Instead, one person lost all their heart and gained broken trust.
I gave my heart away, hoping for a different type of ending.

I love you.
I often said the words, but I still got the same nervousness as the first time.
Wondering if one day the word will mean something, Different then, I see your life mixed in with mine.
If this were a book, I would read it every night until all the words were memorized front to back.
I hope this is my last beginning to a forever person.
I love you until I find a word only meant for us.

Did I go too far this time?
Maybe I loved her, and that was the issue.
They never tell you about loving someone that doesn't even notice that you are right in front of them.
I did everything for her to notice me.
I was the person she always wanted, and that's when I went too far.
I should have never tried to get her attention.
Now I'm back at the starting line.
No one noticed that I left; none ever cared that I disappeared.
Did I go too far this time?
That depends on what side of the story you read.

What happens to forever?
I always saw you in my future, but that's what I get for dreaming too big.
I thought we would end up together in the end.
Now I'm watching on the sideline as you live out the moments without me next to you.
I know I'm the one that called us off,
Thinking you would fight for us.
If you showed me anything, I would have stayed.
My love didn't run out,
Only the patience I had begging for attention.
I would have stayed in your arms if you had given me something.
I would drop everything to be back with you.
That shows all I wanted was the bare minimum.
You couldn't even give me that.

Will you be there for me,
When it’s crazy, and there is no stopping anytime soon.
If I have to leave in the middle of a dreamy day.
Will you fight for me when it seems too hard to do.
Would you sit by my door,
When it seems easier to go than stay?
Would you love me even if it’s easier not to?

Her body was used as charity.
They used her heart up until there was no more love to have.
The arms were used to as an extra hand to do the work no else dared to do.
Her mouth was only there to agree with those who hated hearing no.
They used the feet to walk all the miles everyone dreaded to even think about.
Her body was used as a overwork Machine that no dared to stop after it was finished with the Days work.
No one even thanked her all they did was tell what was next.

My life became a mess.
I started to love darkness more than the light.
It made me feel safer knowing soon all the stress would be gone.
I know that living isn't just surviving.
It's wanting to wake up to do something new.
To wanting to see the future not run from it.
I don't know if I was running but I was so used to not living I didn't see the reason to keep going.
To want to be happy because I didn't see a point in it.
A point to go to the light vs deep deep dark.

It feels like a dream maybe too good to last.
Maybe too good to be true.
I sit back and relax not sure what is going to happen next.
I roll down my window and I finally understand what being peaceful means.
I thought it meant when im sitting next to you and you give me that look.
That says nothing bad is ever going to happen to you.
But I'm alone and I feel better than ever.
I hope this isn't a dream.
If this has to be I hope I never wake up unless you're next to me.

I wish he could see himself through her younger eyes.
How broken his little girl was from the words he used as bullets.
Hoping to be invisible in his eyes,
Then he couldn't hurt her with his twistest phases.
All she wanted was her father's approval.
When she came out, the bond was broken.

I used to be afraid of the unknown,
Never knowing who will leave at the first sign of darkness.
Scared, the man I set my heart on would slowly have enough.
I used to be afraid of hurting those close to me,
Now I let them in at the times when it's the most important.
I'm not afraid of the future,
only shutting those who I love.

Luisina.
Where did she go?
I only see her in my dreams late at night,
When everyone is gone.
What if she is make believe?
My mind is on over drive trying to find her.
The thoughts are talking over that she won't back to say goodbye.
I want to hold her one more night.
To tell her"I love you Luisina".
Before she disappears on me.
I think it's too late.
My love won't leave like she did.

How can he dislike everyone but act happy all the time?
The smile is always there but means words come across his mouth like a loaded gun.
Always talking about how he wants to leave but stays for some reason.

Maybe In another world, she would be in my arms.
Her head would be on my chest while We talk about our future together.
In another world, she'd live in the same city as me.
I may love others but she will Be my first real love.
The one I will tell stories about to my friends.
I watch her get hurt by other guys while I am still across the world watching through a screen.
Maybe in another world, she would be my person.
She is my protonic soulmate in my eyes

What if this isn’t worth it.
I should just leave and not come back.
She doesn’t notice me anyway.
I’m just playing in her game.
The smile was fake.

He thought she wanted it to happen.
The smile hid the real feelings because she is too afraid of telling him no.
She would cry it out, believing one day he would care for her,
Instead, he went for someone else.
He said he would stay only to take the first exit out.
If she ever spoke her truth, he would make her think she was crazy.
Now, this girl thinks it's love to be treated this way.
Her first love broke her,
the second made her trust again.

I want to stop fighting and start living.
I think I found my source of hope.
I saw her smile from across the keyboard.
The little light in her eyes are giving the hope I need.
Please let this be true.

I fear for the day the text stops coming in.
I hope you say goodbye this time or maybe it's a see you later.
Maybe it's a replay of the last time you thought I stopped caring.
Trust me, I will never stop caring for you.
No matter the days or months that go by.
I will never stop checking my phone, hoping to miss a message.
Even if it just says I need time away.
Then I shall wait until you're ready to return to the phone.

She was broken but hiding it.
Her smile was brighter than the sun,
But her thoughts were darker than the moon.
She was seconds away from going,
The thought of love made her stay.

a girl stayed home waiting for a person that didn't show.
He went out and forgot she even existed.
She was known as the girl who Wasted another night, while he had unforgettable moments.

We weren’t perfect; I knew that.
I loved as much as a broken person could.
Trying to change the stories to make me look bad.
I almost trusted those stories more,
Because he told them all the time.
I never will go back to that,
I know my worth, and one will take that.
No matter how pretty they seem to the outside world.