I give up.
I'm done trying to make you happy.
I hope you know.
I don't understand why I want your approval.
For once, I want you to call me your son.
Why do I waste my tears on you?
I thought maybe you would reach out.
If you asked me why I'm doing this, I would tell my story.
I would say I don't like my chest,
that I hated looking in the mirror.
The goal was not to destroy the little relationship I still had with you.
I look outside the same window,
Wondering if anything will change.
Will the flowers finally grow today?
I look at it one time, seeing the snowfall on the ground.
Realizing the start of winter finally happened.
I closed my eyes for a minute, and the snow was gone again.
It all started with a little sadness but ended back with summer nights.
We take four seasons for Granted.
One day everything will be different.
There will be no going back.
Today I looked outside my window one more time.
Thats what I thought I had before.
Sadly I had pain and sadness instead. I used to wish for the feeling of nothing to get a break from the screaming in my head.
The screaming of seeing pictures of horror and finally the sense of freedom when it would stop.
The screaming only got stronger when it knew it could control me.
I would fight hard, but nothing could have saved me from the darkness.
Finally, a fairy came to me said, close your eyes and count to three.
I opened it and finally, I was back in bed where this all became.
I learned not to go into battle alone.
I still get the nightmares of that day.
It's soft but mysterious like everyone I know.
It's the sound of storms coming to an end or just beginning.
It's the warning of leave now or waits until hell comes.
I love storms. I think it all started when I was watching it with my older sister.
We would sit on the couches and look at the windows for almost an hour.
That was all before I knew how bad storms could get.
The fighting/ the yelling. The wishing to be in another place type of storm.
When I finally hear the soft sounds, I know it's finally over.
I leave my room and look out to see what the storm has destroyed.
Usually, it's only a few tears are gone,
On bad days the whole town is scared of living there homes.
Not wanting to pick up the pieces.
I wonder when I stop loving looking out the window.
I wonder why storms started to get so bad.
I remember this one night I was still a kid, and the biggest storm I ever saw happen.
All the things I loved got washed away, and then I knew it was time to grow up.
I kept waiting and waiting for the sound of the wind to come by.
But it ever came. All I could hear was the raindrops hitting every crack in the house.
The lighting was getting bigger than cars at this point.
I hid in my room and just waited for the sun to shine again.
It felt like days passed when I Could see the flowers blowing in the wind.
I still think back to this day and wonder why it took so long to pass.
No one remembers these days, so was it all to make them believe?
Was my mind trying to hide me from reality?
Maybe something happened that was worse than the storm in my head.
I look around and hope that the sky stays clear.
Once in a while, when I visit my old town, I can still hear the wind blowing.
Either tell me happiness is coming or run far away and don't look back.
Blonde hair, blue, green eyes.
Standing there all tall and proud.
He says to himself, I made it.
At that moment, he throws his cap up in the air.
His family cheers from the sidelines.
I didn't know happiness could be so sweet.
I'm afraid to let my wall down,
Knowing all this could be gone.
What if I wake up and this all a dream?
I can't go back,
The scares are still fading.
My heart is broken, slowly getting back together.
I was knocking on death's door,
I'm finally Afraid of leaving.
It's right there.
Hidden in a bottle with a warning.
Open now or wait to see what happens.
I take the cap off,
There I was in a pretty blue dress from years ago.
I wonder what is she doing?
All she said was, don't go home tonight.
There I stand in the parking lot, thinking if this is real.
I debated going home, but I wait until sunrise in this empty place that I now call home.