I just want it to end.

The hopelessness, the fear,
the constant critic in my head:
I've lived with them all for too long.

All I've ever known is this war, this endless battle.
There's nothing wrong with wanting it to end.
To wish that it didn't is cruel.

But why can't the best solution be the simplest?
Why do I have to keep fighting?

At times it's deafening,
and I'm so exhausted.

Why can't I just lay down in no man's land
and let this battle fall silent around me?

Why can't that be the end?

Because... I'll never know what's possible.

For most of my life
I've walked with my head down
looking at my feet
and the shadows I cast.

Then one day
I'm not exactly sure why
you chose me.
One day
for the first time
in my life
you roll back my shoulders
filled up my lungs
and held my head high.

What a difference
to see the world
from your perspective!'

I never realized
what I was missing
until you directed my eyes
to the bright blue sky,
painted with sunlight
and dappled with clouds;
to the vibrant trees
and fragrant flowers;
to people's faces
full of life and laughter
and so much more.

My neck is still too weak
to hold my head up for long
but each day I'm trying
and each day my muscles
grow a little bit stronger.

Every day
you do something for the last time.
You don't realize it.
You don't know why or how.
Only when you look back
do you understand
what has happened;
that something you
once did or said
is no more.

The world is still,
its colours depleted,
vague and waiting,
hoping
for that first light
to break the horizon,
for that first warmth
to settle
on the grass.

I close my eyes,
and open my mind
and let
that first deep breath
wash over me.
Its invitation
is like no other.
I'm reborn,
ready to try again,
to take that first step
one more time,
confident
that this time
I'll succeed.

My favourite constellation is Orion.
I like it first and foremost
because on a cold clear winter night
it is easy to find in the sky.  
The four corner stars are very bright.

Once you find it
and your eyes adjust to the darkness,
you can discern his belt,
the three dimmer stars across the middle.

If you keep looking
and the night is just right,
you can see his dagger hanging off his belt:
even dimmer stars in a column.

And on very special nights,
far from cities and stress
you can actually see the Great Orion Nebula -
a cloud of interstellar gases
where stars are actually born.

With each thought we share,
each story, picture and sound,
we see a little more of each other.  
I am certain if we keep looking,
on a very special night,
far from our daily lives,
we will discover the universe together.

I don't believe in the devil
but I hear his voice every night
whispering in my ear,
"Do it,
win or lose,
just do it."

My grip on the bed sheets
is all that keeps me safe.

Were you bullied as a kid?

I'm asked that often.
I'm not really sure why.

I know my dad was.
I know my best friend was
along with many others,
but I myself was never directly bullied.

Instead
I watched in silence
as others were attacked.
Empathy would surge through my veins
but never with enough courage to help.
I internalized what I saw
shared in the shame and tears,
all the while doing my best to blend in
so as not to be the next target.

I succeeded.
I was never bullied by another.

Over the years though
I became
my own worst enemy.
Using the cruel words of others
I have bullied myself to the edge.
Relentless in its criticism,
ruthless with its words
the bully within
has cut me down
again and again
draining me of my worth
and self compassion.

I just want it to stop.

I just want the bully to go away.