I am proud of the woman you are right now in this moment of your life. Your light, your shadow, the contradictions you so boldly engage in introspective dialogue. The way youre figuring out your moral compass. I love the way you laugh before you cry. I love that you allow yourself to feel in such colorful saturation of each emotion. I’m not sure how to do that. To be able to stay with your emotions in an authentic and non-destructive way. I admire that you are doing the tough and lonely inner work that I feel I do not have the courage nor bravery to do myself. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and continue to hurt you. I’m sorry I’ve shown you what it’s like to cry the most painful of tears. I’m sorry I do not know any language other than shame and abuse. I’m sorry that you are healing the parts of myself that I never got to grieve which I then gave you genetically. You are so strong, diana. Never forget that, even when I scream at you that you are weak as you cry before me begging me to stop talking. I admire your ability to be defiant in your NOs and the way you push back against oppressive systems that are embedded in others and myself. I’m sorry that you cry alone in your room and find more safety in there than in my arms. These hands do not know how to hold your pain and to offer gentle comfort. Please forgive me. I’m trying.

-Love Mom, a messy and beautiful and complicated human being who has experienced horrendous abuse by those who were also messy and beautiful and complicated human beings

I remember your touch as abraiseive
A means to an end
Never an end in itself

It made me feel like I needed to hurry up
That my body was meant to be rushed
For the expense of others
It made me accept a touch that was mechanical
Devoid of a tenderness a 6 y/o deserves
To come to understand and experience
From the hands of their mother

It made me engrain and learn to accept that my body was a means to an end
Never an end in itself

I’m doing the tough work now
I’m trying to discover and unlearn and learn again but differently than the last

I don't even know what the right words are to introduce myself after so long of not having any communication with you, my older sister. I guess I'll get right to it. Fair warning, read this when you're in an okay enough place to hear it.

I consider myself an empathetic, understanding person. I err on the side of being too forgiving or being too accommodating. I yearn for relationship and repair. However, I am now beyond a place of understanding you, which is worse than the feelings I had towards our parents. I no longer wish to understand your perspective nor hold space for it. The distance and events in your life have reflected enough information for me to keep you at a distance. How foolish is it to think I would've easily accepted any hint of conversation from you in these past 18 months. 18 months...enough time for you to have gotten pregnant and just found out her gender.

Your bitterness and ego (this is how I chose to perceive it) are what broke me.

I left scared and hurt by the events that transpired between mom and I the day I left. I knew we weren't on good terms and yet I still contacted you. I extended an olive branch and you ******* burnt it. Your lack of response and absence was felt painfully and hurt deeply. It inflicted additional wounds I didn't think I'd have to tend to in an already tumultuous time.

I used to cry and wonder what I did so bad to deserve no response from you. If you were so worried about me leaving early, why leave me alone completely? I no longer cry over it anymore. Instead, I'm hurt by the fact that if roles were reversed, Marta, I would've called you in an instance. I wouldn't have left my younger sister to fend for herself when she offered an invitation to communicate as she fled our parents home with nothing but her car and clothes. ****, me getting pregnant would've been enough for me to want to reach out to have you be part of my life. You didn't.

I despise you; I hate you. You've surprisingly hurt me the most out of the entire family during this time because I expected more from you than our parents, but I guess I gauged you wrong. I expected more from you as a woman as well. Your internalized misogyny is not one I thought would be so apparent in your treatment, attitude, and behavior you've shown eddy vs. me. You're not that different from mom in that regard. That's how I feel, at least.

I am done being the "bigger person" when it comes to emotional conflicts that rise amongst us. You were the one that would say emotionally ****** up things to me I still remember and yet I was expected to initiate the repairs because my desire to be in good relationship with you was strong. It's gone now.

You learned to despise Roman's silent treatments early on in your marriage and yet you extended that same cold and harsh treatment towards me.

Plea your concerns to God because I don't wish to hear them anytime in the near future. I've plead mine for eighteen months in silence with God hoping to hear from you. I'm done now.

This is the last time you'll ever hear anything from me regarding my feelings towards our relationship or what is left of it anyway. My anger and hurt is a reflection of my desperate plea for love or grace or any ounce of ******* compassion from this family and unexpectedly you.