I don't even know what the right words are to introduce myself after so long of not having any communication with you, my older sister. I guess I'll get right to it. Fair warning, read this when you're in an okay enough place to hear it.
I consider myself an empathetic, understanding person. I err on the side of being too forgiving or being too accommodating. I yearn for relationship and repair. However, I am now beyond a place of understanding you, which is worse than the feelings I had towards our parents. I no longer wish to understand your perspective nor hold space for it. The distance and events in your life have reflected enough information for me to keep you at a distance. How foolish is it to think I would've easily accepted any hint of conversation from you in these past 18 months. 18 months...enough time for you to have gotten pregnant and just found out her gender.
Your bitterness and ego (this is how I chose to perceive it) are what broke me.
I left scared and hurt by the events that transpired between mom and I the day I left. I knew we weren't on good terms and yet I still contacted you. I extended an olive branch and you ******* burnt it. Your lack of response and absence was felt painfully and hurt deeply. It inflicted additional wounds I didn't think I'd have to tend to in an already tumultuous time.
I used to cry and wonder what I did so bad to deserve no response from you. If you were so worried about me leaving early, why leave me alone completely? I no longer cry over it anymore. Instead, I'm hurt by the fact that if roles were reversed, Marta, I would've called you in an instance. I wouldn't have left my younger sister to fend for herself when she offered an invitation to communicate as she fled our parents home with nothing but her car and clothes. ****, me getting pregnant would've been enough for me to want to reach out to have you be part of my life. You didn't.
I despise you; I hate you. You've surprisingly hurt me the most out of the entire family during this time because I expected more from you than our parents, but I guess I gauged you wrong. I expected more from you as a woman as well. Your internalized misogyny is not one I thought would be so apparent in your treatment, attitude, and behavior you've shown eddy vs. me. You're not that different from mom in that regard. That's how I feel, at least.
I am done being the "bigger person" when it comes to emotional conflicts that rise amongst us. You were the one that would say emotionally ****** up things to me I still remember and yet I was expected to initiate the repairs because my desire to be in good relationship with you was strong. It's gone now.
You learned to despise Roman's silent treatments early on in your marriage and yet you extended that same cold and harsh treatment towards me.
Plea your concerns to God because I don't wish to hear them anytime in the near future. I've plead mine for eighteen months in silence with God hoping to hear from you. I'm done now.
This is the last time you'll ever hear anything from me regarding my feelings towards our relationship or what is left of it anyway. My anger and hurt is a reflection of my desperate plea for love or grace or any ounce of ******* compassion from this family and unexpectedly you.