She ran through the herbs
The mint brushed against her skin
She ran through the herbs
The basil batted
She ran through the herbs
The oregano tilted and swayed
She ran through the herbs
The dandelions smiled
She ran through the herbs
The dirt pounded against the palms of her feet
She ran through the herbs
A little worm wiggled between the green feathery plants
She ran through the herbs
Laughing the whole way
If you truly cared you wouldn't scold her
You wouldn't tell her that she'd ruin the garden
That her skin would have the inflammable scent of spices
Instead, you would run through the herbs with her

The aroma is hot, people heaped together like the pooling of the water fountain as it sprays on the grass
People have set up lawn chairs
Mostly elderly people who have time to sit in the park
Flies wiggling around them
As they listen to a rock band that sways like perplexed grass and sings like the words don't matter and only the guitar, the absolute intricacy of the guitar, is heard
I notice
Ahead of me
an elderly lady
Brown hair cut into a blob on her head
Lipstick, floral dress
Skin that is starting to fold
She feels hungry and opens the cooler
To display a pre-bought sandwich and a plastic bag
She unzips the bag carefully and gingerly takes out a
crisp, pressed white napkin
Which she doesn't end up needing anyway
I can't help thinking that there is irony to this
How something as trivial as napkins can point back to generations before
When the lady was younger
She sat in the glimmering sun in the tall, waving grass
A young man sat beside her
They laid on the gingham
Together
As watermelon juice trickled down his chin
"Poor you!" she laughed. "I forgot to bring the napkins!"
The reality is, she didn't forget
There was no mess to be cleaned up
There was only youth speckled with love and you would be a fool to miss the opportunity when watermelon stuck frozen to his chin so that when you kissed him you could taste the lingering fruit
Years later
She's bouncing in the living room with her little girl
Brown ringlets, just like her
They're eating spaghetti
The kind that is doused in a crimson sauce so that when the strands wiggle on her chin it leaves a trail of red
"Poor you!" she laughs. "I didn't give you a napkin."
The reality is, she didn't forget
There was no mess to be cleaned up
There were only children speckled with love and you would be a fool to miss the memory of crusted spaghetti sauce and that dimpled smile with holes in her mouth
Years later
She thinks about the times when she forgot the napkins
Thinking she'll be practical this time she swipes a few
But she forgets the plastic bag
One day she remembers it but she forgets to close it
The surprise is a family of ants
Now
With the music fading and the air electric
She knows there is no mess to be cleaned up
But she brings out the plastic bag of napkins anyway
She holds on to the velvety scrap and breathes
It is the one connection to her past life
Someone spills something
Finally
"Poor you!" she laughs. "I forgot the napkins."
The reality is, she didn't forget
She hides them in her purse - that Mary Poppins of a possession
And smiles
Because she would be a fool to miss it

I laugh because it hurts too much to scream
I sing because you don't hear me when I speak
I run because my past is quick and cunning
I walk because I am too tired
I'm silent because all you hear is a melody, noise, a string of notes
Something that won't amount to anything

Don't you see the darkness? Don't you feel it hammering in your soul?
After school, walking through the halls
The bell's clang is still ringing in my ear like a reverberating hollow in a tree
Our faces connect, I'm fond of staring
You stare back but icily
Apparently, my face isn't looking friendly
Then you go back to smiling
Wide brimmed, joyful
I get it
You're excited to go home
To latch onto your friends and talk
Why are you smiling?
The WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON MY SHOULDERS
In my mind, prison
Prison, in my mind
Eyes downcast
I'm longing
Are you longing?
If you are, you're not showing it
Haven't you noticed, that I leave the real world
After about an hour
That is where I fade into the neurons of my mind, into the knobby flesh of my brain
I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm reeling
Why are you smiling?
Aren't you thinking about all the suffering of the world?
Empty stomachs, bullets sailing
And how I can't do anything about it
I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
I laugh a lot
I may pretend to be alright
Keyword: pretend
But I'm not really in the halls
My body has left and I'm simply lagging, floating, like a hologram
Wondering and wandering
Why are you smiling?
You shouldn't be
I've heard smiles are contagious
No, not me
No, not me
No, wait, a curve of my lip
A flash of my yellow teeth
Wait! Stop! I'm not happy!
THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS ON MY SHOULDERS
Until I let it slide
The burden falls
The sun is shining
Why AREN'T you smiling?

One moment, a splintered moment, caught by the haze and crossfire
I felt like a hypocrite
Always telling people "it'll all work out" and things like "life is full of pain but you'll get through it"
Life is full of pain
Migraine
I transposed lines about how sadness is multiplying
All the while smiling because my life was so great and high flying
Then, I longed for, in the selfish part of my heart
Pain, misery
Maybe then I'd understand people, and they'd understand me
Really understand
Not just the empathy, I can imagine what your shoes feel like
More like your shoes are closing in on my toes and I smell burnt rubber and all the times you ran and ran while holes punctured deep but you never had the heart nor the money to replace them
Almost suddenly I didn't even have to search for misery
Looking deep within myself I realised that I've had it all along
It's been living with me
Probably for forever
The fact doesn't help, it doesn't hurt
It just makes my shoes feel even tighter around my shrivelled toes
Or as tight as they've always been

I've never been in a war
Blood has never entrenched me
My limbs have never been severed
For the most part, I've been free

I've never had to hide
From someone beating and beating
I've never taken drugs
Cigars have never preceded me

The only death I've experienced
Is my grandma who used to sew a bunch
My sister died when I was a baby
I don't remember her, so I don't feel much

Annually, I get a fever twice
I've had heaps of friends along the years
I always get money on my Birthday and Christmas
I've scarcely shed tears

But my life isn't perfect
There are battles I fight every day
I'm young but that's not an excuse
To not feel pain

Nights are the worst
My mind is alive thinking
My regrets are coiling and rebounding
They attack me 'til I'm bleeding

I have conversations with someone I've never met
I long for someone to truly tell everything
Not just a paperback diary or a church
Not just in the songs that I sing

I'm trying to find my identity
Some days I'm loud and crazy
Most days I'm quiet
Every day I'm lazy

I wonder what to say to someone
Something that won't imprison
Me in a cycle of "They're going to judge me"
They'll leave before they've actually listened

I think about my future
Hoping my dreams will come true
Yet it's hard to know if I'll ever get there
The worry is as vast as the sky is blue

I have a lot of doubts about God
Even though I'll never leave
His love is too real to say goodbye
Yet sometimes it's hard to fully believe

So no
I've never been in a war
My home life is equal to what many call bliss
I've never been in want for anything
Content-ness I shouldn't have to miss

Yet in my thoughts
I feel a sadness
That's hard to escape
Huh, kinda like sin
Every day I'm inwardly fighting my own battles
And I wonder if I'll ever win