I think the worst part about being alone in my room
Is knowing you'll be waiting for me when I come out

I think the worst part about living behind a door
is knowing you're not knocking because you understand

I think the worst part about sitting by myself
is catching myself looking at the empty seat next to you

I think the worst part about being here without you
is knowing I could ask for your company

I hate looking into your eyes
and smiling
and laughing
and being happy
because I'm worried about messing up again.
And ending up alone.

Did I do something wrong?
Say something?
Say nothing?

{She’s replaced you}
[You weren’t hers in the first place]

Did I miss something she said?
Miss my chance at something new?
I miss the feeling of feeling sometimes.

Listen, I know you’ll never see this
But I’m sorry for whatever I did
And even if it was nothing
I still would’ve lied having lunch with you
Just so you know

My home
Is where I am
Not at my house
Where I was raised

I know that seems cold
Saying that I don’t want to go back
To those blue walls
Where the quiet would suffocate

But I haven’t seen this house as a home
For a few years now
When you’re 15 and you find a letter from your father
Saying he wishes he was dead
Our house isn’t a home

I drove past my house last night
Just to see what it’d be like

Pass by those walls that held me
Past that place that built me up
And tore me down

Going 55 past the place we had our firsts
First real heartbreak
First Cut
First panic attack
First love

I’m not afraid of leaving
I’m more afraid of coming back
And only thinking about
Home

That isn’t all
It can’t be

Are you okay?
Are you alright, are you fine, are you good?
Are you adequate, are you decent?
Are you emotionally stable, sleeping without crying, smiling because you want to?
Are you breathing without questioning, are you waking up without trying, are you eating without throwing up?
Are you reading this poem right now and thinking no?
Are you thinking for the first time, will I ever be okay?

You will be okay.
You will be alright, you will be fine, you will be good.
You will be adequate, you will be decent.
You will be emotionally stable, you will sleep without crying, and smile for the happiness blooming inside of you.
You will breathe without questioning, you will wake up to a new day, you will eat easily
You
are going to be okay.
So please smile sunshine
It’s a fine new day
To be okay :)

- a.g.