im sorry
that i hurt you
yet again
i am
lost in
trying
to be a
better person

Don't give me a razor
as a 'gift'
and expect me not to use it

I’m hurt
But always from the point of my own sword
The problems cease to fade however skin unscathed leaves me unfulfilled.
I am a disease to my own mind,
Falling deeper into this depression, not falling, walking, I have the power to change direction but don’t know how.
Happy is threatening.
Happy is unsafe.
Happy has never been safe.
Happy means danger is hiding around the corner and if something else doesn’t cause it then it must be thine wounds that cause another’s.
Unhappy in love yet I am perpetually the problem. An outsider sabotaging the loveliness, a few days apart and suddenly a knife is drawn at the throat of an undeserving victim.
Because happy was never good enough for me.
Empty and jarring and sad and sorry and a passenger to the being who wreaks havoc and distraction, the builder of walls and the entity that pulls, no, snaps the strings holding my heart together until the final
Snap
He won’t get angry
He won’t budge
In efforts of sanity and peace he lays down and takes your anger and your resentment though most belongs directed straight at you
And he doesnt say a word.
Takes your bullets and your dagger and your sword and doesn’t breathe a word of anger. Not one of discontent.
Envy and anger and black putrid feelings ebb out of my skin and touch him yet he is not the rightful barer of my wrath
I am.
The sole disaster belongs to me.
I bring the storm to the bright days.
I bring the hail to perfectly smooth bumpers.
I bring the underworld to heaven just because it’s never quite enough to keep me full.
Empty and empty and empty.
The tin man’s cries have yet to reach the emerald kingdom.
And I have yet to find my peace.

My soul
sighs
with
peace
tranquility
and
safety
whenever i
see
you

How must i shout my love for you
when im kept hostage by my thoughts
It seems impossible
even to see your glowing love
i feel it on me like the suns rays
M.
I
am in love with you
irretrievably.
and i hope its you.
I hope its you.

...

i still get cravings when i'm happy

...

“You’ve almost been ***** twice now!”
As if
It is an indication
Of my strength

and lack of it.

I'm tired.


and I don't mean the tired of slippery fingers and prominent yawns

I'm tired of life

I'm tired of living without a pulse my blood
running cold and
mechanical the light in my eyes no longer
there.

The blood
that runs through my veins is thin
slippery like the oil that makes the wheels
spin
without the squeak.  

I see the world as a machine
cogs turning well-oiled nobody asks you whats
wrong
outside its fine
inside the storm brews
and I'm so tired of love songs that never
explain how angry
and sad
you can be when you're in love

and how your anger isn't caused by
him
at all
yet why can't I accept that.

im jealous and im sad
that he doesn't care enough to ask why
work through it as i would him
there are certain things he doesn't
get

but since when were you easy

its not his job to know you like the back
of your scarred hands
or to make your eyes blue
they've been grey for months.  

feeling a bit Billie blue
the days get darker and yet
his reassurance does nothing but
make me fear the burden that grows with each
kiss why did i let him fall for me
why did i let him make that sacrifice
maybe its better to leave him maybe he has a chance
at happy where im not there
god knows I don't make him happy anymore.
i cant even make me happy anymore

im tired of not knowing how to love you right.
im tired of being upset.
im tired of being angry
im tired of living in your shadow
im tired of not being good enough for you
im tired of being your burden
im tired of being tired

so listen before i go

it was never you.

only to fall apart worse

I don’t want
I love you
To turn into
A common commodity
An overused expression
Of sorry.

he used to be my everything
bright like summer rain
he has a new girl now and
things just aren’t the same

she says that she loves him
utterly and truely she swore
and it hurts to watch him love her
as if it wasn’t you before

and you make me want to write poetry again
not the good kind
I find myself back here every once in a while to find
we’re still gone
you and I aren’t who we used to be and yeah
its great being friends but it hurts to see you happier
with the better version of me
because we like the same music and have the same wants
but she has you now and I’m lost and forgot
what it was like to hold your hand
its been a year my dear
and I'm happier too
with the boy I left you in the dust for
I will never forgive my course of actions
though approved of and signed by you
I should’ve seen the signs of your unhappiness
and discontent
when you sat on the rock instead of dancing with her
though she wanted you
we ****** that night under the stars but
I don’t think you wanted to mean it
and I dont think you ever forgot but how could you
how could I
see past the love I had to chase a dream of mine that ultimately
crushed us too
selfish wants and selfish ways you say
you forgive me
but that can’t be true when I watched you cry in anger
and 3 months later
we screamed in each others faces while I packed up my stuff
and moved back out to the place id finally escaped from
into your arms because you were better than the death I had planning
because it was you or the ocean and you knew that
and I sit back here and im still in this place
and she hasn’t changed and I lost you
and I lost your family that once was our family
and I lost my nieces and I lost my sanity
once again but you aren’t to blame
no
I am the one who tore our love to shreds
I am the one who needed more
I am the one who burnt the bridges that saved me
back on my deserted island of
‘home’
but you know home is *******

I love him.

but you
you taught me how to love
you taught me it was okay to be vulnerable
you taught me that for once
love didn’t have to be violent
that it could be soft like summer rain
the thunderstorms we’d cuddle up in
rearranging our room to be a little cubby just for us
love could be
okay
it could be okay

and you said you had me and I trusted that because you did
and then I ****** it up
and you sit at parties of our mutual friends telling me that’s not what happened and it was, M, it was what happened
I threw out the loving family I finally had and christmases that were joy and not manipulation
I threw out what I treasured most and ****
you’ve changed
you’re not the same person I fell in love with so why
is it so ******* hard
to actually let you go
why is it so hard to watch you turn your back
to walk into her arms
call her perfect
beautiful

I wish I could say I dont know where I went wrong

do the things I wanted with you with her and
that hurts too
long hair and **** watching ****** movies and you planning dates
and she gets that

cool

you say I taught you things like that
but did I
or was it when you finally found someone that would make your heart spin thats when she deserved that
you have a job now so you pay
and I always did but she loves you better so thats just that isn’t it

we both know im not the one running though
and my inner demons begin to show
and I cant state my point without yelling
and you cant yell back
and I thought I needed that

its been a year.

how

how have I not gotten over you yet
how am I so content yet so
destroyed by the thought of you

I listen to our song
the one we recorded for each other before you left
without knowing we both had
and I sit here with tears in my eyes because its been a year and hey there Delilah still makes me cry thinking about your voice crack
when you cried
for me

maybe in another year ill be fine
and I dont know why im not
this site feels like our place
I miss you

I miss you like summer rain
and I miss being your winter girl
but I miss who you were
not who you are now

maybe i’m mad because i didn’t call this shot
didn’t call the break and the fall
this time
but i ache for you
i ache for you and your hands and your love
spent the night crying into my pillow and heaving heavy sighs of discontent
we both cried before you left
last hug, tight
last hug
last.
you told me you had to leave to find yourself again
we lost who we are
as much as i get that i want to scream
why can’t we do that together
side by side why
can’t you love me like fire
instead of the wind that put you out

i was ready to give it all up
the boys the dancing the times without you by my side
living with you was my home and my bliss and now i must pack
yet again
and leave
yet again
back to a place i can’t call safe
exactly why i left it
for you.
you said you’d always catch me but now i’ve fallen to the ground
never kissing in the rain
2am cursing your name

how do i live if it’s not with you
you say you love me but that can’t be true
you should have told me when you knew.
but you couldn’t face me, could you.

i love you with everything i have left
and i could write for decades about my aching heart
but what good does that do
when i’ve already lost you

I doubt you’ll read this and call.
But call anyway.
Don’t say anything.
Just call.
I dont know whether to delete your number or keep the hope that we’re still alive in your heart.

nothing burns hotter than the realisation
that you were the problem all along
that those feelings of resentment and hatred
they stemmed from your core, from your habits
abuse had and abuse held, abuse shared
where it didn’t belong

my dear sweet boy,
as time goes on I see more and more the flaws in my actions
the things I said and did
where they came from, and where they went.
my dear sweet boy you and I both know I live in active abuse
where I walk on eggshells all day and seldom talk
yet when I am with you I yell and scream

you should not wear my trauma on your sleeve

it is not yours to hold yet I ****** it into your hands
“here”
“take it”
not many options and the fear that grasped you never let you say no
this isn’t okay
I deserve better
I live in resentment of the world that created the injustice in which I lie
but that resentment boiled into hatred for the blessed life that you were gifted
a mothers love was all I ever wanted.
a mothers love was all you ever got

we fought like fire and rain
I always put you out
the fire inside me burns bright
and I doubt it will ever cease

but that fire isn’t yours to bear
the burns that cover your body are forever
and I see the damage I have done.
I dance to the sound of your minds thoughts racing
thinking
how do I say I’m hurt
without hurting her.
how do I express disscontempt
when I know her mind will flick to the worst
how do I be me
without hurting her

and my dear sweet boy
insight is a miracle
but so is distance.
and I hope she makes you happy
I hope her smile lights up your heart

I listen to the playlist I made you
gave to you the day you went away
and I miss you all over again
my stormboy
the heavens still cry for you

I’ve always written poetry,
Ever since I was little
Little Shannon writing lyrics to love songs when ****,
She didn’t even know love yet.

I wonder if anyone’s figured it out
two unconnected poetry accounts on the same site
Look closer and you’ll read the tale of our love
Poems written at the same times
Watch us unfold
Without knowing when we started where we’d end up

So take a look
Look back
Craft the timeline of our falling in love
and of the out
When we started losing ourselves and stopped writing
When we swear we fell apart,
but didn’t.
Then really did.

Craft the timeline of our words.
We are but words here.

Maybe one day we can write poetry again.
Maybe one day it won’t hurt this bad.

I still look at you like you put stars in the sky
I swore to myself that this would be easy
But I sit here in another’s bed asking why
I feel queasy and ****** and not at all breezy

wish i had said
                                  run away with me
instead of
                                  goodnight