They say I have hallucinations,
"They aren't real",
But how can something I've seen or heard be fake?
They say "hallucinations",
I say "superpower".
I've seen things before they happen, and I stopped a child stepping on a piece of sharp plastic seconds before it happened.  

How are these "hallucinations" when I've clearly heard someone call my name or I've had a conversation with someone?
"It never happened."
How are these "hallucinations" when I've seen, felt, and heard someone do something?
"It never happened."
How are these "hallucinations" when they're my reality?

The good days are my light.  They make you feel like you're walking on air.
They call it "manic",
I call it bliss.
They say I need to watch my "highs",
I say, let them roam free, swoop me up in their wing and fly away.
They say I need medicine, but, why cage a beautiful thing?

The bad days are my darkness.
They make up for the good days.
"The low",
the low comes and you feel like you're a zombie.
You won't eat because food won't cure the hunger you have.
You want to die, but the sadness is like an old friend.
The sadness is too beautiful to let go, so you welcome it with open, bleeding arms.
My sadness is disaster.
It's my "reality check",
It's my way of realizing I'll never be "sane" without the medicine they shove down my throat.

There's a name for this, for these highs and lows, for this craving for taboo things, the hallucinations.

This is bipolar.

But,
I am me,
I am bipolar,
I am beautiful,
I am a disaster.
And my bipolar and I,
We're the beautiful disaster.

You didn’t see me
When you looked at me you saw another conquest that you need to concur
When you looked at me you saw another notch under your belt
When you looked at me you looked right through me
When you looked at me you saw what you wanted to see, not what is

You didn’t see me
You didn’t see the wasted love i tried to give you, like putting tokens in an empty arcade machine, over and over.
You looked right through me like a frozen window on a cold winters day.
You put me on your pottery wheel and twisted and turned and molded me until i thought i was nothing but what you wanted me to be.
You did not see me.

He sees how pure and true my love is
He sees me as living human and not his property
He sees me as an amazing mother
He sees me and he wouldn’t change a thing
He sees me...

If only I could just listen to you and abide,
but you don't know how I feel on the inside.
If only I could make you hear my plea,
but you don't seem to care that this bothers me.
If only you could see I love him and you,
but for you, I can't have the two.
If only you could see it's not as simple as "Your family or him", you don't see it as hard,
but you don't see this is making my heart charred.
If only you could see I'm not who you want me to be,
but you think who you want me to be is the real me.
If only I could make you see who I truly am,
but it almost seems as though you don't give a ****.
If only you could see how I walk around like I'm haunted,
but maybe if you did, you'd realize..
I'm not the daughter you wanted.

You call yourself a "father",
     But yet, you don't know what size diapers your daughter wears.
You call yourself a "father",
     But yet, you haven't seen my daughter in three months or asked how she is.
You call yourself a "father",
     But yet, you don't know what size clothes she wears.
You call yourself a "father",
     But yet, you know nothing about her.

You call yourself a "father",
     But do you even know what father means?
You may be her biological father.
     But you are not her father.
You are a ***** donor.
     And it's not her fault or mine.
It's yours.
     She is enough.
          She is beautiful.
              She is healthy.
                  She is happy.
And THAT's my fault.

I wake up for the third time that night,
I go to the bathroom and the mirror stops me like a brick wall
I try not to look, but can’t resist
And there i am
Humpty Dumpty having a great fall

I stare into the eyes of a familiar stranger
Thinking, this couldn’t possibly be me.

Could it be?

I stare at the familiar strangers eyes, getting lost in the green depths of what could’ve been and what could be

Could this familiar stranger possibly be me?

I stare at the familiar strangers eyes and the depths of green change to grass and i see a shadow of a little girl dancing, so innocent and so free
That little girl couldn’t possibly be me.

Could it be?

I look into the familiar strangers eyes and see tears wallowing up just begging to spill,
I try to look away but i can’t, I’m stuck still.
I see promises
Promises of marriage
Promises of kids
Promises of a happy home
Promises of loyalty

I crawl through the mirror and step into the strangers shoes like stepping into an old pair of slippers still formed to your feet
I feel broken.
Broken promises
Broken love
Broken dreams
Broken trust
A broken puzzle, begging to be re-pieced

I scramble around grabbing the pieces trying to make them fit as fast as i can
Then before i know it,
I’m pushed out of the mirror like a time portal.

And now i look at the familiar stranger staring back at me and i know,
this is most definitely.....
Me

You missed out on a great kid.
You will miss out on birthdays, graduations, first dates, and watching my child turn into the amazing adult they’re destined to become, with or without you.

I won’t teach her to hate you, but I’ll let her make her own assumptions about you. Chances are, she won’t feel so fondly about you once she realizes how truly disgusting your actions have been.

I’m proud of the child she’s growing up to be, and even more proud of myself for being able to do it on my own. I had my doubts at first, but now i see that this truly made me a better parent for my child.

I stay up at night sometimes, wondering if you ever feel guilty for what you left behind. I wonder if you think about the last words said to us before leaving, and how you don’t have the heart to say goodbye.

I don’t hate you,  because you gave me a beautiful child, but i have lose all respect for you.
My child looks so much like you sometimes, and it kills me every time she shows a side of her personality so much like yours.

I hope you don’t consider yourself a real man, because real men don’t walk out on their families.
You walked out on the most important responsibility of your life, without any regrets.

Luckily for my child, there are plenty of people in our family that are more than willing and happy to fill the void you left.

I no longer blame myself for your actions. I don’t see it as anything i did wrong.
You are simply a coward who didn’t have the courage to stick it out through the tough times.

Yes, things were hard at first, but things are much better now, and I only feel sorry for you because you’re truly missing out. She will be an amazing parent because you taught her everything she shouldn’t do. You set the perfect example for all the things she will never grow up to be.

I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes and i can’t. I can’t justify a reason for your departure.
Nothing you say will ever excuse your actions.

I hope for your future families sake, you don’t do the same thing to them.
Even though you don’t deserve the happiness that having a family can bring you, no one else deserves the pain you left us with.

Being a mommy and daddy isn’t easy, but I’m trying my hardest, and i know when she gets older she will see how hard i tried  and worked to give her the best life possible.

Lastly, i hope that one day you look back on your life and realize how much you gave up. I hope you realize that despite the hurt you caused us, we will move on and be stronger for it in the end. So thank you, thank you for teaching us how truly strong we can be without you, and thank you for showing us we will never need you.