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I carry a little notepad with me
to jot down my deepest thoughts
or take note of what I see.
A Family meeting called,
We sat in the living room,
Together in open space
“Been years,” I said.
You sat at the corner of the couch
Looking like a raisin shriveled up, knees brought to your chest—
Like a child.
Me wondering when you got so short.
Were you always this short?
Because I remember you standing and roaring
Over me.
Tony, leading the meeting says, “Say something nice about Mom.”
And y’all did.
Y’all all managed to sputter and heap praises at her feet.
Tony said, “You (pointing at me) tell Mom something you
Like about her, too.”
I cleared my throat and looked dead at her, “I don’t know you Anymore,
And given all the wrong you've done to me, It’s difficult to find Something nice to say, I’m sorry.”
Afterwards, y’all told me how cruel I was, asking me, “why couldn’t you Just go along?”
“I went along,” I said. “And honesty can be cruel, but necessary, Right?”
I wanted to scream, that’s what I really wanted to do.
Scream to the world all she had done to me,
Like when she choked me to the point of near death because I was
Always the easy one to blame, or the time she threw my baby kitten
Out the window to crash on an asphalt road. What happened, I still
Wonder, to that small kitten. More than likely, it died. Or the time
She slapped me across the face and called me a ***** because
I put on cherry lipstick. I was only eleven years old. Or when she
Refused to sign my FASFA forms so that I could go to college, Telling me, “Trash can’t go to college.”
Or…"just get over it,” y’all say, interrupting me.
“I could get over it if the things done to me were at least Acknowledged,”
I said, done with y'all, too, and walked off.
Drowning in my own existence
Lost in this misery called life
Blinded by hatred and sorrow
Alcohol became my friend
Held my hand when i felt so alone in this world,
Picked me up when i was low
Alcohol never betrayed me
Alcohol never lied to me
Alcohol never hurt me...
So i thought...
Alcohol has stripped me of the person i once was
Snatched the hope right from my sight
Pushed my family away, and replaced them with "friends" who couldnt care less about me
Alcohol destroyed my life faster than i could have imagined
Alcohol made me hate myself sober
Until i started to hate myself alive
Alcohol numbed my soul
I didnt care wether i lived or i died
Caused little earthquakes throughout my heart until finally it collapsed,
Then i stopped caring as long as a bottle was in my hand
Today marks the day i take my life back
Today i change the future
Today i have hope
every day i'm breathing...
is a battle i've won...
Words,
They can cut through
Your heart,

They can tear you
Apart.

They can be as sharp
And as blunt
As any knife,
All in the same instance,

They can cause a major shift
In your reality,
They can torture you
Until the end of time,
They can be responsible
For destroying your very existence.

By Lady R.F. (C)2017
I hammered some words
Out from the quarry of my brain
They fell around in shards;
Some like boulders,
some like rocks and rubble
I picked them up one by one.
Block on block, I piled them up
Thinking I could build a ‘pleasure dome’

But,
     When it was time for the workman
      To marvel over the beauty and wonder
      Of his dream creation  
      His masonry tumbled down
      Like sand castles built
      By little hands on sea strands
      Or dunes of quicksand sliding down

I have lost count of the times,
This has happened before.
Now that I stay resigned,
Amid a heap of debris

Is there any use feeling remorse?

Like Nero fiddled on his harp
When Rome was burning
I sit on this pile of wreck
Piping my thoughts away
In the cusp between victory and defeat
Exacting as much ecstasy as I can
Before the truth looms large
In all its stark nakedness!
I am a paling star to be washed out
In the dazzling brightness of the arriving dawn
A calendar that ran out of time
A broken guitar with strings loose

I will soon exit out of life
Like a man hardly anyone knew existed
And only very few would miss

As I look back to the prime days
I feel years have flown away in a flurry
Like scraps of paper whirling in the gale
A dense fog crawls up into my eyes
The verdant vistas and smiling faces
Have discoloured like weather worn paintings
The violet shadows of red rocks
Form a dark cave within me
Nothing subsists in the dells n’ hollows
Of my memory
I wilt under Age’s burning breath
And wither under its deadly blight
Now I drift... a rudderless vessel
Through unknown waters

Waiting at the Departure Lounge
I now have only one prayer;

Don’t let me scorn and disdain the young
Whose sky is wider and dreams endless
Who walk with nimble feet and sure steps
To conquer the world that has left me a scrap!
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