I see you at work
I see you at church
I want to flirt
Yet I stay perched
When my only worth
Is to be hurt

I've been burned before
Yet I yearn for more
While the spurns are sore
In this hurtful war
I never learned to score
So I earned the door

I fantasize
About your feral eyes
That paralyze
My carol cries
As I stare and sigh
You gouge my eyes
With fingers that pry
Into my singular life
Bringing a plight
Of losing all sight

Our relationship is unlikely
Because I'm unsightly
Anxiety fights me
As I die rightly
Without you knighting
Me politely

I'm full of fear
And apprehension
I want to steer
Away from the tension
With an inner invention
Of a dour dimension
Fearing an election
Where I'm not the selection

You'll act like I have hep C
Or some form of leprosy
Meaning we won't be wrestling
So why put myself in jeopardy?

My heart will be constricting
Once you're done whipping
And my blood is dripping
So I bring a shield with me
So I'm never really living

I'm so scared
And unprepared
I approach your lair
The idea you don't care
Is too much to bear
So I decide not to share
The image of a pair
With you and I there

I feel *****
I feel guilty
It gets stormy
As I **** me
Loneliness is my home I guess
I know I'm an absolute mess
When the decision is no contest
Even with no context
You can see I'm a dog vexed
By the odd hex
Of your god flex
When you call next
So apprehension protects

In the Bible, Jesus was half man half God
But did he know this to a certainty?
At one point he was a baby that needed to learn how to walk
So he apparently didn’t always know everything
Did he re-learn he was God?
Did he implicitly understand so until he knew?
Did he ever know to a certainty that he was God?
I’d like to think not
I’d like to think God used Jesus to show us how to behave
But we’d know how to behave if we had God’s omniscience
I’d like to think Jesus was given infinite wisdom
But not infinite knowledge
To show us how to act in a manner that is attainable
Yet still seemingly impossible
Forgiving others even as they tortured him to death

I'm sad and I don't know why
Could it be that I steal and lie?
I say it's what I do to get by
While I still think I'm right
So I still need an explanation
For this depression's duration
I give my mind placation
With useless information
Which gives me frustration
While I yearn for elation

I put the focus on my brain chemistry
So people won't think less of me
For not living blessedly
From the lessons seen
That I ignored indeed
Like my aborted dreams
That were thwarted into steam
Once I found my neurological stream
Could take the blame for all that I've been

I have low serotonin
I have low dopamine
I feel the power of Odin
Choking me
And I can't see
Through the freeze
Of countless needs
That are unwatered seeds

I'm depressed
I'm bipolar
I regress
Into disorders
I use to put up borders
Or beg for quarters

A new age way
Of shirking my responsibility
I am my brain
I must own the emotions filling me
If I want to escape depression willingly
I must face it head-on until I'm free
But I don't follow those who lead
So I continue to be
Depressing

I ignore finding purpose
Or answering a calling
My only searches
Are for pills falling
Off the doctor's dolly

What's in my mental
Makes me special
But I'm disheveled
So I befriend the devil
On this lonely level
Where I solemnly settle

I think other people are lying
About how much they're crying
Because they seem like they're trying
While all I'm doing is sighing
At their pain I'm denying

The more people diagnosed with depression
The less of an individual it makes me
So I rationalize they haven't learned a lesson
And lives I'd love to be trading
Because all I'm doing is skating
While giving others' lives ratings
Comparing them to my rabies
I'm melodramatically exacerbating

Other people transform
I stick to the norm
Convinced I'm deformed
Not from the storm
But from when I was born

I want your sympathy
Not your help
Any advice you give to me
I'll put on the shelf
Sarcastically saying "Thanks I'm cured"
Because I think my negativity is truer
Than anything newer
Like your positivity
I rebuffed unwittingly
Because I'm miserable
And can't handle the truth
So it hurts so visceral
When you call me uncouth
But I'm not a sleuth
So I blame it all on youth
And the rest of your troops
Separated from my toxic loop

So I isolate myself
And get depressed even more
I blame my mental health
As I fall short of the shore
With opportunities galore
Yet all I can do is snore
And think of who I was before
Modern psychology implored
A brain chemistry war

There are a lot of sleepers out there
They need to wake up
But that task requires tremendous energy
Because when one tries to wake them
They sleepwalk back to their community
Of snoozers that salivate sleeping
To confirm the choices they’ve made
And browbeat you into a slumber
So you’ll join the rest of them in a lifelong nap
Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie

I like getting freaky
I like getting weird
I like getting *****
With your spear
But I fear
The deviation here
Will eventually steer
Me out of your sphere

I say we need to spice things up
You ask “Isn’t our life enough?”
I wish you wouldn’t call my bluff
And just get into freakier stuff

After enough deviation
There’s no reconciliation
Between our needy nations
I look for a feeding station
While I’m bleeding relation
For fleeting elation

I become attracted to what’s different
Unfortunately you will always be you
So I become insistent
On ******* every animal in this zoo

One at a time doesn’t suffice
I join threesomes and foursomes
The ****** only get more dumb
Making me lose my consortium
Because of my sore thumb
Shooting a ***** gun
Every time I score numb

There’s nothing wrong with being a deviant
But that’s just one of the ingredients
It’s unhealthy to keep feeding it
Until you think *** is meaningless
The only reason you’re believing this
Is because you’re treating bliss
Like a hedonist

My very worst nightmare
Is of me staying asleep
Sword stuck in the sheath

Life is meaningless
Life is pointless
Is anyone seeing this
Disappointment?
I become avoidant
From annoyance
I slip into a depression
Bringing an obsession
Of not learning lessons
Just getting high every second

I’m ****** in strife
Not living the examined life
Against a canon’s might
Loaded with grams of white
Shooting me high as a kite
So I can ignore my plight
Of having to fight

The murky waters shifted
Into my blood stream they drifted
I was euphoria gifted
Learning to be lifted
I became a hedonistic
Phenom misfit
Talking cryptic
And apocalyptic

I see the haughty led
Talking heads
As the walking dead
Stalking dread
They want me red
But their haunting bled
My arm instead
The only blood I shed
Is from my carnal bed
On the path I tread

A needle goes in
Blood comes out
I live in sin
I live in doubt
Looking for an escape route

I’m a cynical buyer
In a situation dire
Sick and tired
Stuck in fire
Becoming a liar
To get higher

Trust has disappeared
But I am still here
Filled with fear
Not knowing which way to steer
I try to act cavalier
To placate the cattle here
But I live in the saddest sphere
Even though I’m in the stratosphere
I see madness near

I can’t keep it civil
With my head on a swivel
Wearing the addict’s sigil
Track marks mean no acquittal
So subterfuge is pivotal
All communication is digital
When I have to hide my visual

I have no grace
I’m given no mercy
Every decision I face
Ultimately hurts me
Making me *****
From what I’m observing
And for what I’m deserving
Because of truth I’m deserting
To stay on the line I’ve been skirting
With death who’s been flirting

All I want is to binge
On the swamp in my syringe
On society’s fringe
Because once the ****** goes in
I can see heaven in hell
By ignoring the smell
Of where I dwell
In a euphoric shell

When all that remains
Is more of the same
I pray to the lord for rain
To wash my spirit away
So I can be a hero slain
Rather than singing a loser’s refrain
You pass these people everyday
They’re roadkill in the street
By the time you look in your rear view mirror
The vultures are back to eat
Gnawing their bones to defeat
Until they’re stripped of all meat
And their skin is baked in the heat
Their eyes melt staring into the sun
Once their blood is diluted by fun
So they can no longer be the one
Transmitting Jesus’ love

A lot of people
Say religion is evil
But I don’t need to go to a steeple
Or take a bunch of college classes
To learn opiates are the ****** of the masses