indecisive, reckless. i'm losing my mind.
restless: my heart, my body…i can't control.
these thoughts - consuming me, taking me over.

my head is whispering, "breathe darling breathe."
my heart is crying, my heart is dying
my heart is sighing, "let go, let go."
restless: my soul, "baby, let go"

confused, everything misconstrued.

so used, so broken
so much complication
so much self altercation.

indecisive: my heart.
my head is shouting, "LET GO, LET GO!"
my skin is crawling, my skin is begging
my skin is pleading, "don't hurt me no more."

restless, reckless, dazed
lost in an unnatural haze.
my mind is screaming, my heart is weeping
my body is traveling on a path; indecisive.
which way will it go?
away away, as far away as it will stray.

broken and still laughing, a walking contradiction.
restless: my soul…losing control.

everyone needs
to leave me alo
ne because it hu
rts me too look
at them and I d
on't know wher
e I am and the
bed reeks of s
ex and laundry
detergent and
when I die will
my hair be stra
ightened? mak
e up my own fu
cking lyrics and
cry a lot and c
ount my allies
on my fingertip
s when did eve
ryone start hati
ng me?? am I
going to hell? i
s this hell? mu
sic isn't beaut
iful anymore b
ecause of you,
you ******* fu
ck why do I ev
en bother with
you why did I
even talk to yo
u you were alm
ost as ****** a
s I am!!! I'm sca
red to stick it t
o the man

I am not one of them nor will I ever be.
That is the truth.
I am a loser; worthless
Are things I am not.
Popular and hot
Are words that spell me.
Weak and ugly
I scorn them.
Beautiful people
Like me are uncommon.
Ugly losers
I am beautiful.
I hate lies like
I'm a *******.
They tell me
I am not one of them nor will I ever be.

I tried to talk to you to ask you why
To find why you told me goodbye
Why am I so stupid and useless
Why can't I be more selfless

Will I ever know why we died
Will you ever tell me you tried
Or that is was me that I failed
Just tell me this ship has sailed

Did you mean it do you hate me
Or is there something I don't see
Am I really that imperfect to you
I would try and fix it if only I knew

So I could stop crying in my room
Praying roses don't start to bloom
Fed by tears rolling down my cheeks
Did you hate because I was weak?

Sometimes
I get scared
that maybe
I don't like
the things that I like.

That my yearning
to be liked
has caused me
to lie to
myself.

The scary part is
I don't know
if I'm right or wrong.

I know it's easier not to talk,

But I do it anyway.

Maybe it's because I need the practice
Or I'm convinced this time will be different.

The thought is there.
The words are there.
As always.

       let us out
Demand the words,
As always,
But they've burned me before.
  
     trust us
They implore.

I should refuse.
I want to refuse.
But I know,
And the words know,
There is nothing I love more
Than a listening

Interested

Audience.

So I have to test this one.

One more chance
I warn them.
And the words in my head line up.

They follow the path.
From my brain,
Across my tounge,
To the edge of my open mouth.

But they weren't quite single-file,

And out trips a syllable.

The wrong one.

They panic for a moment-
Until the right one is found,
And the flow of words is back on track.

But it's already too late.

Fooled again-
I scorn the words I tried speak.
They tied my tounge,
And ruined-
As always-
A perfectly brilliant thought.

It's all in the delivery.

I threaten-
As always-
To never speak again.

But I know,
And the words know,
That the half a heart with which I made the threat,
Is the same half,
That loves,

A listening,

Interested,

Audience.

From A to B, my temper holds
stronger than if still,
for I can't see a destination
stronger than my will.

Moving breaks my static gaze
as reels of passing art
leave their mark and fall away
but just in perpetual shift may they
stretch out time for me and stay.

My pangs are lost in deep transition
as we reach towards B from A,
and I look ahead to C, dare I say:
As life winds up its next stretched reel,
my will on that way would be stronger still.